My Dear,
We cannot answer your questions, don't you think it is obvious?
My personal opinion is for you to consult with a psychiatrist first. These people are qualified to find the problem behind your "symptoms".
You are continuously troubling the members on this board, when we do not have the answers??? Please understand our predicament, and do something yourself to get one step closer to a solution.
Ok, let's try this;
I will send you 12 Mandalas. The picture with the colors and a blank one. Download and print them. You must color the blank one as the completed one. While coloring the Mandala, you must meditate on the explanation of it.
Before we continue, you must not think we want to convert you to Buddhism at all. I am not, but have found very useful guidance in their spirituality. Perhaps this may also help you!
The First one:
Palace of Eternity.
This image, based on the Traditional Tibetan Buddhist Mandala, represents the palace of the Spirit, essentially, this is the universe in it's totality, with gateways at each of the four points of the compass for all to enter.
1
Meditate on the wheels and flower circles within the mandala. which
represent spiritual power and truth. Behind them is the symmetrical geometry of creation-- the intrinsic order of existence, assessible through meditation.
2
Observing the four gateways, bear in mind that you can enter the truths of (Buddhism) whicever direction you have come from.
3
Look at the mandala's central point, a portal to self-knowledge. Relish this first step you are taking of your inner journey. Once you can see that the journey and the destination are one, the missing element will appear like an invisible halo: the perfect circle that encloses the square like the Buddha's endless, all-encompassing compassion.
Perhaps you may think it is "not needed", but why not try. I think before we get to the 12th one, you will have the answers. Please we ask that you complete the entire set of TWELVE.
As we have embarked on this journey, I will inform admin, all the moderators and readers. As a team at MB any other reading requests will not be answered and merely deleted.
All of us will be involved with this thread alone and give you the needed support only. We are not able to give guidance or any advice.
We ask that you respect our decision.
Blessed be.