Hi Guys,
We have a very controversial gay comedian, and he parted with some advice, Nataniel de Rosche. He has a very flat and let’s say, somewhat of a drab, slow and nasal way of speaking. Now this is in Afrikaans, but hilarious, I’m going to try and translate this lot, as best I could.

General etiquette.

Advice to Ladies.
One thing which is somewhat Ok, is when I peep at a woman with the right body, and see, some of her round derrière, but then it has to be one with the right body!!, and the some must be subtle. But, I actually start crying, that when I go do shopping, and see a woman from behind and it seems as if her “buttocks” are eating her G-String! This worked for Bill Clinton and Monica, now what was the result?

Girls, then please if you have a few rolls above the hips, in God’s name, don’t wear a boob tube!! The Russian, kinda raising bread dough rolls bubbling over the belt, is wrong in any book. And spoils everybody’s appetite.

And, although you are extremely proud about your new  BELLY RING, is it best not to show us, especially if you have a few of the dough rolls. It’s even worse when you need to page through these rolls with one hand and in the other hand have a metal detector to find it!!!

Please remember to have a good look at yourself in a medium to large, or maybe an X-tra large, sized mirror, before you go anywhere. You may think that the general public will admire your bubbling and bouncing assets. No not at all, they stare at you with awe and shock, in being brave enough to encircle them. This also shows that you really lonely and totally available, should you have had anyone worrying about you, they would have immediately placed you under house-arrest, until you changed your “fashion statement”

Please take care when you wear the new tight fitting ski-pants, especially the white and beige ones, It absolutely focus and increase the attention, to all the moving and bouncing parts, hail damage and dents! The term, two piglets in a bag comes to mind, and then, wearing the whitest one and a black G-String with it, gives the idea that you want to keep each piglet in its own “cage”. And then still wearing a pair of tikkie heeled shoes, MY GOD, What a sight. Your balancing act, may win a bronze medal in a disco-dance session.

Men and what you wear at work;
White socks, absolutely never, these are worn by pedofiles and pshyco's only!! Your socks, should match the color of your pants. Dark blue or dark grey socks, is a pimple, when wearing black pants, and black shoes!!!---PAINFULL!!!!
Expanding on the shoe issue, remember the higher the heel the harder you feel, when landing!! Please, shoes with metal attachments, is no fashion statement, unless you are doing research on magnetic lay-lines!!

If you want to look as a true commoner, it gets worse when wearing a shoe-string tie or one shorter than your prick, especially when you have a stomach as a pot-bellied pig.

If you hope to be taken seriously, don’t wear a cartoon, or Mickey Mouse tie! You should look like CNN, not Cartoon-network. Color coding also doesn’t include your Disney-character shocks, to fit with your Mickey-mouse tie!!

Then, the solid color shirt, with a white color, Please don’t even think to wear a yellow tie with this, it’s enough to give a witch a speed-wobble on her broom.

Informal dress.
Black shoes and black-belt, with jeans, make you look like a Zebra on steroids. Belt-buckles larger than your head, should only be worn, when holidaying in Texas, or some other common suburbs. But, make sure that you stuff enough socks in the ball box, to hide your “size”, use a lot of talc powder to eliminate the odor!

Then, don’t wear these tight-fitting shirts that say “I’m very strong”, girls are only frightened, and you don’t fire their jets at all. What about the “parachute” jogging shorts, with slits on the sides. Only wear this if you want other gays to become interested, otherwise it’s only good to have a hidden fart, and no-one to blame!

Hats and caps.

The purpose of a cap, is to keep the sun out of your eyes, not your ears or backside. These new UV lights has never given you a good Tan, if they are 10 meters away. So, you may as well take your cap, and hang it on your “belt buckle” when you go into a building!

Accessories.
Shades or sunglasses should be on your eyes, not on your head, around your neck or on your shirt color. And, when speaking to someone, at least take it of, unless you’ve just stolen something!!

Your cell phone is not a Beretta, but a Nokia, your belt was made to keep your pants from dropping and having a public voyeur experience. Not an accessory to attach a cell phone, pocketknife, Beretta, Beretta’s laser scope, extra Beretta bullets, bottle of hair-oil, condoms, etc.

Your comb stays in the bathroom, not in your socks, no matter what the ancestors told you. And hair-oil was invented by the Nazi’s to suffer much pain to the woman world wide, and can be considered as mass torture!!


The Spider
I don’t really think how you feel about spiders, but I prefer riding a bicycle without a saddle, than to be confronted by one of these little creatures.

So, last night, I was in bed, peacefully reading a book and minding my own business. The bed lamp having a dim glow, courtesy of Cash-Crusaders. This is when I heard a soft “shuffle” in my bedroom. My first thought, was, that a moth is trying to commit suicide on the bulb of my light!!

Scanning the bedroom, I saw a moth on the lampshade sitting very still. It reminded me of a pedigree fox terrier, shitting razorblades. This is when the “shuffle” was heard once again! Without reservation, I got a fright, which made everything, which was hard,,,very soft. AND everything which was very soft,,,,EXTRA HARD!

Well…a big unholy masterpiece, with extra large Rugby socks came flying over the floor at 8000 refs, and like an gymnast, used the bedside cupboard’s handles as climbing tools and the next thing, here was he “checking” my assets!!

At once, I contracted diarrhea, and my best linen, became an autumn color. It seemed as f someone spray-painted the lot, with a colourshade between that of cotton and that of pumpkin. I absolutely got rid of everything standing or closely resembling an upright object, around me. This lot landed on the lowest part of the room, being the floor.

I got such a fright, that even my smallest PILE, hung on my calves. Now, this enormous spider is still between me, and my kitchen. Because of the constant molestation from these creatures, I over time, managed to build-up an Arsenal of DOOM. Knowing this, I really need to run flat speed to get to my arsenal.

I, now donned, my only, half-wet Jockey, to keep the the growing pile, from tripping me, extra high!! With all the break stripes, looking as a street map accumulating in my Jockey, I took of to the Kitchen. This is where I had to back-paddle, so I wouldn’t have another backdoor.  ^%(* Lord of the Dance, I did a very good tap-dance.

Getting back, there is the fucker still. So with another brake stripe, I started spraying, thank God, only Doom, this time! ^%(* the Ozone, I emptied the can!

This is then, that my hairy enemy, disappeared as a rugby-player with a ball bearing problem. Behind the bedside cupboard. My thought was, that this is the end, especially after the entire can of Doom and the smell of shit, now hanging as a toffee in the bedroom. Thinking I won this lot, I pulled the cupboard a bit forward to see. Suddenly this four wheel drive monster, ran up the wall, past my eyes and as high as my head.

Eight eyes like VW Beetle Wheel caps stared me straight on. NIGHTMARE. My water broke, my knees got weak.  My lungs ran empty and my lips parted as a coconut.

It was also now, that my bowels moved, without an enema. With great effort, a shout released itself from my deepest spaces of “mystery”. This sounded very much like Black Sabbath or Uriah Heep in pelvic distress! Because, in slow motion, as a pheasant having a shit in flight, my opponent crawled down!

I won this battle.