Thank you so much for helping me on the reading! Really appreciate it. And sorry for the late reply. They do make sense to me but I feel that something is blocking my mind. Perhaps it is because I have been distracting myself with other things these few days. I will try my best to response to your insightful interpretation and explain my thoughts in a clear way with my limited English vocabularies.
1st card - the past, STAR (reversed)
| Quote: |
| Your past was uninspiring, not much to look forward to and nothing to aim for. Any sense of nurturing of what was around you, including your own life, was simply lost in the dark. |
Yes. I have been having that kind of feeling for a long time. Don't know which direction I should go, what I really want to do for living etc. Feel that I have lost the passion of life. Also have a negative self-image that makes me believe that I am not capable of doing anything.
2nd card - the present, Empress
| Quote: |
| In contrast to the past, your present is now full of sexuality, in touch with all your physical senses and desires; ready to nurture like Mother Nature. |
Not afraid to admit my desires now. Recently I also asked for sex advice from friends which I was afraid to do. Besides, it was not really necessary for me.
I have done so many things that brought him pressures. I always want to be more selfless and genlte. Still want to be the nurturing type and want to treat him better but now feel that the chance has been taken away from me.
3rd card - the future, Hierophant
| Quote: |
| Some learning to do on the earthly realm, i.e. develop your own earthly existence both through your mind and body and follow tradition and the conventional way of life which is what probably suits your character and upbringing. |
Recently I was thinking about working in my cousin's company, to become down to earth and act like an adult. I have spent so much time in my own world. Maybe it is time to do something practical.
4th card - the solution, Moon (reversed)
| Quote: |
| Get in touch with the reality of things and discard any illusions that may surround this issue. I mean, call a spade a spade and don’t get lost in a wishful thinking and being in a daze of ‘what if this and what if that’ could happen. Handle the situation as it comes to you in its naked truth. |
I do have a wishful thinking and fantasize that things will become better in the way I want.
5th card - the surrounding circumstance, Temperance (reversed)
| Quote: |
| A sense of imbalance and disharmony in your surrounding circumstances, if that makes sense to you. Whilst in its upright position this card would stand for harmony, moderation, healing and blending of the mind, body and soul, I feel your surrounding circumstances, whether people or your environment as such, is not giving you that sense of harmony. |
I strongly felt a sense of disharmony in September till few days before he tried to break contact, in early October. As I mentioned in the first post, there was a long distance between us. I came back home in May and everything seemed fine since then. Despite our history, there were no ill feelings. But he suddenly became indifferent toward me in September. I thought this relationship was imbalanced and could not understand why the heat always turned cold after some time. Also, got very jealous when he rather shared news or be with other friends. I believed that I said something not nice and made the situation worse. Moreover, he was going through a career transition... (He is still looking for a new job)
Right now I don't specially feel the sense of imbalance except the repression of telling him what I feel. Really hope he will know that what he did doesn't disgust me or make me hate him but instead of saying that I still want him in my life, I choose doing nothing.
Another thing I am trying to hide is that a best friend of his said something bad about him to me when I was in a very depressed condition last year. I can never be sure if the things are true but they still bothering me and caused my resentment toward his friend...
| Quote: |
6th card - the wish, Tower (reversed)
Whilst an upright Tower would be bringing down the existing order; an order which is no longer making sense or even working for you, do I sense that you wish to continue with things as they are and not bring about a change? I also feel your wish is not to have any external influences or forces ‘destroy’ what you currently have.
7th card - the conclusion, Death (reversed)
Like the above, I feel the conclusion will be stagnation of a situation where change is not desired nor is it sought after. This explains in a way what you seem to want out of this connection with this guy: neither finish it off, nor continue with it the way it is – all or nothing.
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Yes. Although there is nothing much can be destroyed anymore, I am afraid of any impulsive action that would make things "heavier" or bring bigger disappointment. Yes, what can be more disappointed than something precious you and a special one build up with time and true heart collapse within a second? If I have learnt something in this, it is that I will treat my family and friends better thatn I ever did...
Deep down in my heart, I do not believe that this relationship exists just because I have some kind of value so that he could take advantage of me and that he has no feelings toward me (he said so in text message). We spent so much time talking and sharing with each other since we met. If he was after material benefits, then he had waited far too long as I did lend him money few months ago for his family emergency (6 years later!!).
I am not contacting him because I assume he will only repeat what he has told me. Sometimes, through instant messenger or social network I know that he is feeling awful too, though it can mean something other than love or heartbroken... maybe regret?
On the other hand, I can't help suspecting that I am trapped in my self-deception. Okay, now I know that my mind is swinging between ‘what if this and what if that’ as you said.
It has been a few time that I made up my mind and ready to stick to it but after some time would be disturbed again.
Nevertheless, I think that I am doing much more better than before. I used to spend too much time on insoluble problems, questions without answers and ended up getting into a dead end.
This time, some part of me wants to handle it in a subtle way and let things stay vague. Another part of me has noticed some kind of pattern in this relationship and believe that it is supposed to be on & off. Some of my friends told me not to wait, move on. Only one of them, and my dad, said that let nature take its course.
I have aeclectic.net/tarot/cards/tarot-of-the-old-path/]The Tarot of Old Path. I used the online reading software (which uses aeclectic.net/tarot/cards/aquarian/]Aquarian Tarot) as I didn't have the deck beside me. Will only use my own one in the future
You really get the picture of where we are right now. Somethings has to be changed but I don't know what it is and how to. We have tried to avoid contacting each other. I tried to let my feelings die, find someone else and something else to do. They didn't work, so I guess they are not the right solution. And yes, if I have a friendship with him, I believe that the conflict of friend/lover will come back again. So... am I in a dilemma ?If it is not troublesome, could you have a reading for me? I desperately need some guide and his true feelings.
Peace
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