Dear Namaste,

I feel I am at a crossroads in my life and am trying very hard to move forward.  I feel that I have closed my heart to the world and am struggling to regain that awe of life I once had.  I can understand mentally what I need to do but am unable to let go of past pains.  I would be eternally grateful if you can help and I promise to use it wisely to help others.

I just want to share my life with my family and be the best I can be for them.

Got so emotional there for a moment I forgot to give info
Susan in Lanton, Scotland.

Hi Suzyn, I will send you some  karmic reiki , what other things have you tried? You have taken the very brave first step of posting here, and that will help too. Would it help to discuss things?

Thanks Gem,
A bit of background!
I had some realy bad years from about 14 yrs old till about 28yrs, during which I fell to the wayside and had two long term relationships both physicall and menatally abusive - the only blessing from each of these was a beautiful son.  I am now in a relationship with a man (Mark) who is kind patient and loving but the pain I went through has left somewhat untrusting, angry and a control freik! (Just sometimes). The last 6 yrs have moved so fast, I moved about 20 miles with Mark and my 2 sons, I did a course on wildlife surveying then started studying with OU, did a bit of volunteer work which led to a small job at the local school, then another job doing youth work, now I am a Development worker for a third of the region I live.  I have worked very hard to get where I am and it has given me a focus to distract me from the past pain.  

But I lost touch with my spirituality, and now (last year or so) I have tried to get back in touch and the more time I, spend with my crystals and in the garden the more the numbness that has protected me wears off and my emotions are starting to surface - and its scary and I feel shaky or I snap at my family or I just cry - not sobbing just tears rolling down my face and that feeling in you stomach.  If I hold an amethyst piont out from my solar pexus this happens.

My heart feels sad at times still and like a distant memory of loss not even sure why - on the other side I feel so lucky and blessed as I have 2 lovely sons and a very caring man, a beatiful little cottage in the country (at a cheaper rent than my previous 2 bed flat) with a garden full of magic and wildlife.

There are so many things in my mind from my family my work my past and all the different way to look for answers - I am really good and doing cards or crystals or just finding solutions for problems when it comes to other people, but never certain when it comes to me!

Just need some guidance to get me through it - though just you asking has helped me to put all this down and I had never noticed before but there is definite 7 year cycle of bad luck between 14 - 28 yrs old.

Thank you for asking I have a feeling this was meant to happen.

Only on PC for limited times so sorry for delay in responding to you kind offer and I look foward to hearing from you.

{{{Suzyn}}} Sounds like things are on the mend?
I find it very hard to work on me too, so I find a close friend and bounce ideas off them, or I meditate and look deep inside. It is hardest of all to work on ourselves, to really know what is right even if we have the talent of helping others and seeing their pain and what they need as help. Sometimes we arae too close to the matter and just stepping back can help.  It sounds to me like you are healing inside, the love that is surrounding you and the happiness and joy from your new situation is allowing yourself to gradually relax and release some things.

Have you looked at perhaps investigating reiki some more too and perhaps taking a course yourself?

Speak soon xx

Thanks Gem,

I agree that I am at a stage where I can start to heal - to be honest I a bit scared of it, I know it means changes for th e better but I think I fear fully feeling because then I can be hurt again!

I'm not sure if there is anywhere to learn Reiki - I'm in quite a rural area - can it be self taught?

Also with the crystals I have probably been trying to many and not being patient enough, I have quite a collection some I've had for years but I have bought a lot of the less common ones in the last year.  I have been really drawn to black tourmaline and labradorite and I have just in the last few days being carrying a prehnite tumblestone with feels really good.  Is there any you would recommend as I think it will have a stronger effect if someone else suggests it - back to not being clear when it comes to dealing with myself.

As for friends, I have some wonderful friends that I do talk to about things to, but most of them don't really get my spiritual side or take it too seriously - and it usually me sorting out their problems I think I get a bit uncomfortable when the usual roles are reversed.  There is a bit of me that feels like this is my thing and I need to sort it out myself - yet here I am asking for and getting much appreciated support from a stranger - but it feels like the right thing to do

Thank you