Dear MangoMom,
Thank you very much for taking the time to give me a reading.

I have immense faith in God and I don't hold any anger towards him. I'm only curious to know what I may have done wrong that lead me be so miserable now. To be honest life did not present me with any choices, I just took whatever life offered me. That said, I'm pretty sure I may have done something wrong, maybe many wrong things in life so far..I will say the forgiveness prayer so that God forgives me for anything that I may have done that I should not have. As for others, there are many who have hurt me, but I have forgiven them and also forgotten about it totally. I do maintain a journal and that is why when I look back I know that there are people who have hurt me unnecessarily. But I have forgiven them, I'm not vengeful.

I am curious to know if life will offer me any choices in future. Like I said before, Life did not offer me any choices I just took whatever came to me. But I'm assuming you are referring to spiritual choices..again I don't understand when or how I could have chosen a more spiritual path. like i said I have immense faith in God and to me spirituality is the same.

I am also curious to know why you didn't address the other questions or were they all addressed in this reading?

Also, I didn't understand this part



What is the outside influence? Since when do I have this outside influence? I don't know what you mean by outside influence, I'm assuming that its Magic or something..if so how did this happen?
I don't blame anyone for my suffering. Is it wrong to question God why I go through my difficulties. Is that considered blaming him?

I will say the prayers you asked me to say. Thank you very much for the reading.
Happy New Year, may the new year bring you lots of happiness.

Dearest Caramel,

In response to your questions:



Hon, your faith in God was never questioned, I can see that you are strong in your beliefs.  The forgiveness prayer is for YOU to forgive yourself and others, not God. He forgave you the moment the transgression happened.

There are always choices, even a decision to do nothing is a decision or choice.  



Your choices in life in the future will be offered, I was not referring to spiritual choices, that is not in question.




I did not and cannot address the other questions, because they will be answered and come about once you see and understand all your problems are YOU.  As EOT stated above, perhaps you should see a medical doctor, you cannot find love until you love yourself, you deserve love and you deserve all your hopes, dreams and desires, but they are being blocked by your lack of self love.  You have to fix this problem first.




The outside influences would be something like a negative influence from a spiritual entity.  Perhaps there is someone that passed that was very negative, mean or cruel and has not been able to pass over, just pray for them and the prayer will release the and send them to the light.



You do blame God, your statement was what did I do to deserve this?  Your asking God why is not blaming, but YOU are the cause of the negative things in your choices.  YOU have to fix yourself to be able to see that there are other choices, you should say the prayers and seek medical help.

With all my love and blessings I hope that you understand what I have tried to interpret for you.

MangoMom

Thank you MangoMom.

I think I get what you mean. I'm not sure if this is what you mean by saying I have to love myself. At first I thought of course I love myself, and then ..no not really! I don't have confidence in myself..but that is because life situation is not the best. Not vice versa.
Now I think I know what you mean..espescially regarding finding a partner. I'm so guarded, I have built this wall around me and no one can break into. There have been many people who were interested in me but I didn't allow them to get closer even in a friendly sort of way. I have reasons for that, I have a cosmetic problem and I feel once they get to know about it they will not be interested in me anymore. The problem is very superficial its to do with my looks..yet I feel this world is so superficial that such a thing would be a great issue to most men. I don't know if this is what you mean when you say loving myself..this is what I understood. Correct me if I'm wrong please.
If it is really what I am thinking it is..then maybe I should open up a little bit, maybe I should allow people to get to know me..but then there is always this fear..that once they get to know..they wont be interested. that is heart breaking.
As for other problems that I have, I don't know how loving myself is going to make it better..but I hope it does.



Is this person someone I know? Do they wish evil upon me? I will say the prayers, but it makes me sad that I have to go through all this..that someone would want me to go through this. I will say the prayers.

When we have no one to talk to, we talk to God. I wouldn't consider that blaming him. But maybe it is..

PS: I'm going out now and In case you write here, I want to let you know that I will not be able to reply for another two days.

I think you are getting it!  Yes, how can someone else love you if you don't love yourself.  That self love will shine and attract others to you.  

Never stop talking to God, God is your best friend.  Just see through the curtain that God is there to love you unconditionally, no matter what you look like, no matter what you feel, God will never turn away from you.  

The outside influence or negative influence is attracted to your beautiful light, you are a beautiful person inside and outside, superficial flaws are just that, they in no way make a difference.  

Let others in, love yourself and that love will shine and attract the positive things in your life and will brighten your days, then the things that upset you now will not matter, they will not loom over your head.  Blessings hon, have an awesome week ahead.

MangoMom

MangoMom,

I just re-read my last post and realised it doesn't make sense at all.
I don't know what I was thinking...I was busy getting ready to go out and made this post in such a rush that it doesn't make sense at all.

Well, in case you been wondering let me clear it.
I don't have a cosmetic problem. If I had a cosmetic problem people would know as soon as they see me. Also, when I was saying that I avoid interacting with people and letting them know me more personally, I was referring to people on the internet. Because I did not write clearly it comes across as..i don't know what it comes across..but it doesn't make sense at all.

Anyways, what I was trying to say is, I have confidence issues espescially concerning the way I look. I'm kind of overweight but not so terribly overweight either. Just a little overweight. I guess if we had to say cosmetic issue I would have to say some skin issue like acne,which was mostly during my growing years..I don't have that anymore. I don't know why I said that in my last post.
But my insecurity is not really based on these things. Its probably because, I have fallen in love a few times in the past, but unfortunately for me, the feelings were not reciprocated. So, this feeling that I don't deserve to be loved, or i'm unworthy of anyone's love has become so strong over the years that I avoid people totally.
Since my social life is pretty much non existant,  Around last year, I decided I should make friends and interact with people, that would make me feel a lot better. And I did that, but I did it over the internet. I joined communities that share a common interest and I met a lot of nice people..but the problem is..after a certain time people want to know more about me. Not just men, even women, and it makes sense, because its natural that when people meet someone on the internet but become such good friends on the internet, they would want the friendship to get beyond the internet and make it more personal. Then I become very nervous, and I stop interacting with them that much. Its my own insecurity.
I know meeting people on the interenet is not a good idea. But I can totally trust these people as good people because I'm not going to a dating site, I'm going to places where people have similar interest. These people haven't come on to these places to find someone to date but have come because they share that interest. They have come for good reasons, and if they want to know me its not to really date or anything but just to know me more as a person. And if we want to maybe they can be good prospects for dating as well...but that may not be their primary intention.
But, I become nervous when they want to know more about me. I am so insecure..and this is what I was trying to say in my last post. I don't allow people to get to know me better, because I'm afraid they will not want to be friends with me when they see me in person. That said, I'm not terribly ugly. I'm average looking..yet i'm insecure. Its a problem i understand. But that is because, my experience hasn't been good in the past.

I might take your advice and start building up more confidence in myself and interact with these people more and let them know more about me, but again, these people are much younger than me.  They say age is just a number, but then when you are in your 30's and you meet someone in their 20's it isn't such a great idea, because at 20..men and even women are not really serious, and they are still learning more about themselves..and I don't think they are really ready to make a very serious decision like being in a committed relationship with an older woman.
umm..I don't even know why I'm thinking about commitment, I don't even know if they will be interested in me in the first place..so commitment is something too far..
I don't know anyone in my social circle that is interested in me, and I don't think there is someone that i'd be interested either.

Maybe, I should have asked you, when and where will I meet that person with whom I might have a long term relationship. Maybe this would have been a better question. But the partner thing is not my only problem, I have other problems also..so I kind of put them all together when I asked you for a reading.