Welcome J,
By this forum's standards your request is not actually particularly lengthy, but it is without any doubt a complex situation which involves according to what you have written here at least three different men - the father of your son, the Virgo man with whom you have been in a toxic relationship for the last two and a half years, and of course the man who has come back into your life only a month ago, who you have not seen for approximately the last 21 years.
Please correct me if I am wrong about what I am reading into this, but it is as though these three men and your own souls are tied together by one or more past life relationships where each of you has taken on a different gender and/or role in each successive incarnation.
So in way I do believe based upon your reading that you are quite correct in thinking that at different times in your current lifetime you and each of these men were meant to come together and learn important lessons from one another in the process, but because you feel your emotions so intensely when the time comes for you to leave one of them and move onto the next you feel trapped or powerless to disengage yourself from one relationship, before beginning the next.
The purpose of telling you this is NOT to negatively criticise or blame you, or to make you feel more guilty than you already do about experiencing more difficulties than many women do in bringing a sense of closure to a relationship which has run its full course, before starting the next one.
My intended purpose IS is merely to make you more aware that there are factors at work here behind the scenes so to speak, over which you have either limited or no conscious control which relate back to past lives of the four of you (or it may be the five of you if my feelings of your son belonging to the same soul group as the four of you turns out to be correct). Your relationships with each of these men is or was like the tip of an iceberg, where much of what is going on at any one time is hidden from your physical eyes, but not your spiritual senses.
This is precisely why I feel that you are so often so confused and of two minds about whether you are doing the right thing by ending your relationship at that specific moment in time.
The logical part of your mind is telling you that the relationship is going nowhere fast and it is consequently time to end it, but the intuitive, emotional, spiritually attuned part of your mind appears to be telling you the complete opposite is the truth.
The physical part of your mind is saying enough is enough, but the spiritual part of it is saying that you should be more patient and hold on indefinitely to the hope that he will suddenly change for the better, and by so doing removing the need for you to leave him.
You feel you are under a soul obligation to keep trying to make your current relationship work, when any person outside of it can plainly see that it is already dead in the water or terminal. Your being within the relationship automatically makes you too close or too emotionally attached to the outcome to be able to think clearly and objectively.
Now when we come to the man of the moment (your childhood crush), there are actually two men - the one which is standing in front of you in 2011, and the image which you are carrying around in your mind from when you were eight years old of the type of man who you thought that little boy would grow into. In other words there is the real man, and there is an idealised image of what you expect this man to be like based upon what he seemed like to you all those 20 or more years ago when he was only a boy.
The problem as I read it is that this real man can never measure up to or compete with that idealised image which you have of him. Understandably this makes you extremely hesitant to give your heart fully to any one man, because you still feel as though you should never have left the previous one. You feel that you owe it to the men in your life to continue to put up with all their emotional abuse and disrespect for much longer than it is healthy for you, because you unconsciously think that you do not deserve any better from life or love.
This reading is saying loudly and clearly that YOU DO DESERVE MUCH BETTER TREATMENT FROM THE MEN IN YOUR LIFE. You have done an exceptional job in bringing up your son when a lesser woman than yourself would have likely given up and let herself wallow in self pity, but you are a survivor: extraordinaire. You have provided him with the best possible start in life any loving mother could be expected to give her son, so please equally give yourself some long overdue credit for doing a wonderful job in bringing him up, under what were and still to some extent are very adverse conditions.
I see your "restored relationship" with your childhood heartthrob as being your just reward for all the courage and determination you have shown in the past. A reward I feel you more than deserve to receive. Do not allow the differences between the man who is in front of you now and who is sense is one of your soul mates and the idealised image you have of him from 21 years ago prevent you from receiving your life's greatest reward.
Where is this relationship likely to go during the next six months covered by it?
In whatever direction you both want it to and work towards making it go, BUT ONLY IF YOU CAN IN THE MEANTIME FREE YOURSELF OF BOTH THE IDEALISED IMAGE AND YOUR UNCONSCIOUS BELIEF THAT YOU DO NOT DESERVE TO HAVE SOME LOVE AND HAPPINESS IN YOU LIFE, AS MUCH AS ANY OTHER WOMAN OR MAN DOES.
God bless you individually, and as a couple in love,
EoT
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