My Life is always CHAIOS!

Many of my past readings were my overwhelming concern of finances and I started a job back in August on a contract basis and have been offered a full time job that I start next Monday.  It will be a longer commute but I will finally have benefits which will include insurance for my family and a monthly bonus incentive.  Whoo Hooo!

However over the past 2 years with the stress of me being unemployed and unemployment and also being a stay at home mother with our 2 children and our Foster Children and my husband was working full time and attending night school, which he finally finished last July.  Thank GOD!  We are finally catching up on our finances.

But, during all this time my marriage has been slowly deteriorating.  You know how men see things sooo different than women and women see things sooo different than men.  Well that is where we are at.  I keep hoping and praying that my husband will step up and be the man of the family.  Be the bread winner!  I am so tired of working 2 or 3 jobs at a time and it seems to me that when he is not working he has all this "Free Time" while I am doing a juggeling act.  He hates when I ask him to do anything or remind him something needs to be done. I haven't slept in our bedroom in over a year.  I even moved my things out of the bath room because every morning when he would get up he was the biggest grouch and his negativity would start my day off so horrible. He cannot even comprehend how exhausted I am all the time, but I know my responsibilities and keep going when a nap would be so nice. We argue over finances, household responsibilites, issue with the children.  I wake up to Mommy Mode and he wakes up to "Self Mode", coffee, shower, straight out to mow the yard or work on something, then off for Sports and then a NAP....OMG how I would love a nap or just a shower without interruptions.  It seems that now we fell into being "Room Mates" or I sometimes feel like somehow this fell into a Parent role.  Don't get me totally wrong...he does stuff when he wants to and he has done a lot in the past.  It just seems over the past 2 years it's taken more of a turn.  But I do look back and think what was I thinking....there were signs that I should have looked at.  I think he is a good man and I love him, but I am not in love with him any more.  He is always so angry and we have had some really bad yelling matches.  I would say I wake up every day and think should I divorce him so me and the kids don't have to be exposed to his negative attitude and anger every day.....how would this effect the kids if their father didn't live with them.  Then I think well the 2 or 3 weekends he has taken the kids so I have some "me" time...he goes straight to his mothers so she can deal with it.  Once I called and she said "He's napping"  Really, Really, OMG!  I have not idea which would be better for all of us.  We physically built our home together, we have physically put so much into it.  I hate to ask him to leave, it's his home too.  But we are all so miserable. But,  he has completely removed himself from being a part of the family but living here.  I told him I think he does this so I will ask him to leave.  Psychology then he could deal with it because I asked him to leave (in his mind then it would be my fault if i KICK him out).  Really I don't know why he can't see what needs to change or leave.

I have tried sweet and engouraging txt messages.  I supported him when he was going to night school. (Plus, when he finished school he was suppose to be earning $25 to $35 and hour. Yeh right, when's that suppose to happen?) He really doesn't get what support your spouse means.  I've even tried to describe it like a foot ball game.  In the past I would even make light of it and say "I need a quarter back".  I've tried to plan movie night for just us and he will find something to get mad about then there goes the arguing and then we back to being mad at each other for days.  I have asked him if he even knows how to have a relationship.....with me, the kids, his mom, his brother.  I have told him to write down the life you want for you and your family and live it.  I have and I gave it to him...but it's like it doesn't mean anything.

Sometime I think he is really old fashioned for such a young guy.  The man brings home his pay check and the mom does all the house work, all the meals and takes care of the kids.  I would like to think I could be wonder woman but my thoughts are Marriage is a partnership and we work as a team.  Why do I need his negative energy here if I can do all that.....Groceries, laundry, Doctor appointments, day care, school, play dates, activities, Dentist, bath time, brush teeth, bedtime, sweep, mop, vacuum, change the beds, clean the house, take care of the pets, gas the car, wash the car, plan family holidays with his family and my family, their events to attend, computer issues, pay bills (sometimes he does), clothes shopping, ...sometime he will do a little effort toward one of these, but I want him to own something and do it.......this is his responsibility, keep it, it's yours.  Not I will do it when I feel like it.  (I know I cannot change a person)

I know I have rambled on and on, but this is how I feel and you may be thinking I just really need a friend to vent to.  No, I really need good sound advise and I would appreciate a reading so much to help me through with my thought process.  When I have my heart batteling my head it is really hard especially when my choices effect other people.  So I have to write the Book.....the life for me and my family...with him or without him.

Thank you so much and blessings.
Lady Di

My dearest Di,

Before I say anything, I would like to give you a big HUG because I feel you need it and you deserve one.

I am very sorry to hear what you have been going through from what was a loving relationship to one that has reached to a state of impasse, which you seen to be powerless to find a solution for in the face of your husband’s disregard to your plea and, indeed, to your marriage.

The immediate feeling I got after and during reading your thread and cry for help, is that your husband may be going through some form of depression. I am not a medical doctor and this is the only word I can find to describe his state of mind. I cannot understand why after investing time and energy to study what he specialised in and now he is not looking around to get a job and has left you bear the welfare of the family’s finances too.

Is anyone of us in a position to give you advice or even tell you what course of action you should take? I doubt it. I know what I would do, but that is my own thought and easier said than done. You are undoubtedly trying to save the marriage and the family unit you have created together and I salute you for that. Does he see it that way? Have you ever mentioned separation to him? What was his reaction to it?

Yes, you did build this house together and brought up a family in it, but it seems to me that during the past two years you have been the one looking after everything and everyone, including your husband. Have you had the chance to talk about it? Have you asked him when he is going to look for or get a job? I am sure you have my dear. I am sure of that.
I am not defending your husband, Di, but the more I write the more I am getting a feeling about him of being down in the gutter where his spirits are concerned. I feel he is rejecting something and I don’t feel it is you or his family. I see him through the eyes of my mind sitting alone and holding his head between his hands and thinking; when he cannot find the answers, he finds solace and comfort in sleeping. I feel sleep is just an escape for him whereas for you it is a physical need.

This is a very difficult position to be in if indeed he is suffering from some sort of depression and usually people like him do not accept that they are. So what does one do?

I picked a card for you, as a focal point,but while I was shuffling the deck one flew out and it was the Ace of Swords. The second one that I picked was the Ten of Cups.

Ace of Swords. Ten of Cups.
I would like us both to be guided by these cards as our point of focus and in the process hope to empower you in your plea to find some answers. I do not believe any of us would suggest that you get up and leave your husband. That is your decision and as you said you still love him (but not in love with him) is a state only you can decide if it is a liveable condition for you provided that your husband is free of his issues.
The Ace of Sword is a much-needed strength for you and it comes from the divine, from the Universe, like a gift at a time in our life when we need it most. The Ace of Swords is portrayed by a hand coming through the clouds holding a sword with a crown on it sharp edge. This is the power within which may start dawning upon you and it is demonstrated with clarity of mind, ability to express your thoughts without fear and it is an inner strength combined with personal power that enables you to stand for yourself. Having this power is no guaranty that all will be well. It is a gift being given to you and it will be up to you how you use it. You may not feel its impact immediately, but this is something that has a habit of coming to us gradually and in some mysterious ways gives us power that we thought we did not have. Use it wisely my friend and it may be what you need right now to find some answers. Next to the Ace of Swords we have the Ten of Cups which is every family’s dream and ambition. We see a family unit – a man holding his wife around her waist – with two children playing next to them and ten cups forming a rainbow in the sky. Cups belong to the element of Water, volatile with emotions and yet able to run and fill in those gaps in our hearts and lives. The Ten of Cups is the attainment of that ultimate family bliss, happiness and getting all that you want. Even if it is not related to family bliss, the Ten of Cups does indeed complete the cycle and bring about a conclusion which promises contentment, unity and harmony.
My dear Di, based on these focal points, I hope you will be able to decipher what messages and insights could be applicable to you. The Ace of Swords will be the catalyst for you to attain the status promised by the Ten of Cups in whichever form  that brings you happiness and contentment.

You have a journey in your hands I do wish you all the best. Please do not hesitate to get back and talk about if should you need someone to 'empty your chest'  

Blessings to you.

Cedars

Thank you so much Cedars I really appreciate your insight!

I personally think he is a loner, I think he isolates himself from others and even his family.  I have always thought due to the fact that he was adopted and also due to the parenting (mainly his father).  Even when friends and family gather he always seems to separate himself from the activity.  I'm not saying all the time but the biggest majority of the time.  Even his lack of communication or relationship with his family.  He is very lacking in sharing and showing affection (in all relationships).

Regarding his job.  He has had the same position for the past 2 years.  I had hoped he would set GOALS for more.  I wished he had better self esteme and goal setting.  He never likes to get out of his comfort zone.  With that said not many people do.

We have talked a little about our relationship and we have talked about separating and he has even confided in me several months ago that he has had thoughts of seeking intimacy elswhere.  But he doesn't ever understand that I need affection and a relationship out side of the bed room to have feeling of even wanting intimacy.

I think back to time we have gone some where, dinner, friends or family....and he is almost like a fifth wheel or his lack of involvement or ability to let loose and laugh.  I asked him once why can't we plan fun things and he said "Ask other people what they think and do as fun"  and he was serious.  Sometime I think he would rather be in front of the TV than a fun activity.  I have even told him that I don't think he even knows how to have a relationship...with anyone.

Well as of this week we are doing a bit better and I am sure we have a long way to go.

I have discussed with him selling the house so I have less of a commute and he says "Fine Sell it"

Oh well I could really go on and on.
But just want to say thank you very much

XoXOXO

Lady Di