Dear EOT

I hope this email finds you in good health. I find you readings impressive –would you be so kind as to give me a reading?

Am writing from a friends PC as I don't have internet access in my home :(

I have always had problems with love (or lack of). I am 27 and have never had a relationship. The men I am interested in are never interested in me, and I always attract men that I have no interest in and whose attention is unwanted and aggressive and they are often emotionally unhealthy (mentally ill).

I don’t want or like to pursue men, but I often have no choice as noone I like approaches me.
I try not to take this personally, but as I am being personally rejected and over and over again– it is hard not to get down about it and feel a bit futile about my future (if I have one in this area).

I appreciate that all I can do is keep busy socialising to ensure I meet new people. I have done this - for years. However am typically treated dismissively/rejected by men that I like in any given scenario. Comparably, I feel that everyone around me finds relationships easily.
I am not 100% happy with my life, but it is ok in other respects, so I guess I would be ok with being alone for the rest of my life. I lead a balanced life and have worked hard to be as emotionally healthy as I can be following a very traumatic childhood, but do get lonely though sometimes always being single. I am human after all and humans are not typically satisfied with being alone for life.

I have been told by energy healers that the reason for constant rejection is because my subconscious energy asks people to reject me owing to my negative thinking patterns that have been inset since early childhood owing to certain unfortunate circumstances I was placed in at birth. I have tried hard to mitigate this with therapy etc, and I guess nothing is giving as I am still facing the same negative outcomes year after year.

It may or may not be relevant to state this – but on a superficial level I am confused. It has crossed my mind that maybe I am aiming for men out of my league as this would be the most obvious reason for my predicament.
However, I have had attractive men tell me that I am beautiful, however I have also had people tell me that I am ugly.
I know that this sort of stuff shouldn’t really matter, but it does puzzle me in regards to the issue at hand as to what I should make of the contradictions I see/experience in my life of being told I am attractive, yet never attracting anyone attractive. Or if I even am considered attractive to the majority, this is something I guess that matters in the area of love and likelihood of ever meeting anyone and having the like reciprocated. I just don’t know what to make of things.

I was wondering if you have any advice/insights for the future.

Thanks so much for your time

Char

Dear Char,  

Looking over your request, it strikes me that you have already been given too much well intended advice by too many people who are attempting to put labels on you, and that most of this advice is conflicting. Worst of all it is not evidently bad enough that you have had some especially bad luck with forming new relationships so far, but the energy healers have added unnecessarily to your guilt and embarrassment by suggesting that it is all because of your poor mental hygiene. Honestly with friends like these, who needs enemies?

Now I am very conscious that most of your difficulties are likely to be of a psychological nature, which would be regarded by many readers as being of a medical nature, which should surely be left to a qualified doctor and/or psychologist or even a relationship counsellor to look at, diagnose and suggest an appropriate treatment for (if there is one).

This means that I am not therefore qualified to comment about what it is about your personality that either causes some men to reject you even when they judge you as being beautiful, if indeed they are rejecting you because the problem is you, and not them. I suspect that the problem is more within them than because there is anything the matter with you at all, but that is my first impression and I am sure that I would be highly criticised  by the energy healer for disagreeing with him or her, and in the process stopping the person from making you keep coming back to them to pay for their services over and over again well into the future so that they can "fix your negative thinking". Negative thinking which BTW does not in reality exist, in order to be subsequently fixed by them for an expensive price charged to you.

If there is any real negative conscious thinking that is going on (which I seriously doubt), what the energy healer has told you would be a valid reason for you feeling as though the situation is hopeless, when your reading tells me loudly and clearly that there is every reason to be hopeful of you having and enjoying a close relationship with a man who is both able and willing to offer you the deep and lasting type of love which you so deserve at some later stage. As this reading is only believed to cover the next six months or so, I must be up front with you in saying that I cannot see this happening during this period. But beyond that I see no reason why you should be forced to accept that you must live the rest of your life alone.

While it is true that some people were never meant to be in a long term relationship or get married because they have life lessons to learn in other areas, YOU ARE NOT ONE OF THESE. Please do not get it into your head that you are either destined or are being punished for something you did wrong in either this current lifetime or one or more past life experiences to spend your remaining years hoping for something which can or will never happen. Or that it is because you have been cursed. Or that because you are either mentally or emotionally ill.

Or because you were born in the wrong month or you were born before or after your proper time. Or all the rest of the total rubbish and nonsense that is so often served up to us by people who should be encouraging, healing and empowering us. Not discouraging, destroying what little self confidence we may still have, and making us feel weak and powerless to do anything to improve matters.

Your reading is basically saying that most of your problems are due to the men you have so far encountered. If they see you as being beautiful but still do not want a relationship with you, could it be because they feel inadequate and fear that they would not be able to keep you away from all the other men who would be after you who had much more to offer you than they would?

If you attract men who are actually mentally ill, which is something completely different from them being emotionally immature, it is not because of your negative thinking, but rather because you are a helper and healer, and since they unconsciously recognise this they are attracted to you because they know deep within themselves that you would be open to listening and caring for and about them. They are not attracted by your negative thinking, but rather by you appearing to them as a healing light in an otherwise dark world.

Most of the men you have encountered so far are emotionally immature and are consequently not capable at this point of having a close committed long term relationship with any woman, so do not as human beings of either gender often do take this too personally to heart. It is their problem and not yours that is preventing you coming together. It is one thing to say that they do not find you attractive to them, but completely another that they see you as being ugly.

Once again I feel that the main problem stems from their own feelings of low self esteem and immaturity. There is no way that you are going to be attractive to every man you meet, and whom you are interested in, so stop trying to find some way to achieve this. Sexual chemistry simply does not allow this to be possible.

Because I cannot read these men directly through a third party reading which is not allowed on this site I may be judging them unfairly by tarring every single one of them with the same brush, butt these are instead my impressions about them indirectly through you as the valued member who requested this reading in the first place. Now that I have opened in your mind the possibility that 90% or more of your problems with men up until now have nothing to do with you, let us look at the other less than 10%.

I previously told you that you are not guilty of conscious negative thinking., and I continue to stand by that statement. But most of our thoughts and mind are not conscious. They are to a large degree UNCONSCIOUS. If they are unconscious and outside of our daily awareness and normal everyday means of understanding and control, we cannot surely be held responsible for the contents of our own unconscious any more than we can be held to account for our dreams.

An important part of growing up to become an adult is the willingness to accept or take responsibility (not blame) for our conscious thoughts and actions and decisions, as well as accepting the consequences or effects of them. It does not extend to us taking responsibility for thoughts and decisions we were never consciously aware of making. By definition, unconscious thoughts, decisions and actions are not under our normal everyday methods of control. We therefore cannot be held responsible and should not but often are made to feel guilty or embarrassed for something which we never consciously did.

I am not a qualified counsellor or doctor of the mind, so I do not have the special techniques and skills and training to allow me to delve into your unconscious and allow you to access your core beliefs about men, relationships and your own self worth which are effectively running the show, and blocking you temporarily from enjoying a close relationship with a man who should consider himself to be the luckiest man alive to be loved by a warm and kind and intelligent young woman such as yourself.

I can only guess what physical, emotional, psychological and mental abuse you may have been subjected to in the past which has lead to these self sabotaging core beliefs being formed, but helping you to identify and weed them out of your unconscious is beyond both my ability and expertise. These core beliefs are not necessarily of a negative nature, but they are working against you. One for example might be that you do not deserve to enjoy such a relationship because many men in your life have either told you this, or you have assumed that they were telling you this when all along they did not feel that they deserved you.

There is nothing in your reading that even mildly suggests that there is no hope for you having a relationship in future, or that starting a family is not in your destiny. What it is saying to me is that because you have so far not received the professional help you will need to identify and weed out these self sabotaging core beliefs, and because every relationship you have had so far with men has lead you to believe that you are the problem and not them, you are feeling understandably desperate as the biological clock ticks over and are therefore more vulnerable to anything or anyone who reinforces these damaging unconscious core beliefs (even when they happened for a completely different reason.

While it is still possible that you might eventually sort out these core beliefs by your own efforts, you deserve only the best of life and love, so why make this any harder for yourself than it already is by not getting all the professional help and support in your ongoing efforts to progressively free yourself of these self limiting unconscious core beliefs which are it is felt at the heart of your part of the problem (which is less than 10% of the total problems you have experienced so far with men)?

Healer: first heal thyself!

Stop trying so hard to be what you believe men want you to be, and start again being YOU. Relax more and easier said than done put relationships completely out of your mind for the immediate future, and be true to yourself. There is definitely such a thing as one trying too hard and making herself look too desperate.

People who appear desperate are more likely to accept that if there are any problems it is their fault, and not the other person's. The other person therefore does not need to change. Only you do. Rubbish to that! If you continue to believe that you are either a big part of or all the problem, then they have a wonderful excuse not to do any soul searching and self examination and self analysis which would force them to admit that they themselves are mainly at fault here.

Hoping that you might find these insights to be both relevant and helpful, and that once you can get the human compassion and understanding and professional help and healing that you so richly deserve,your love life will then be a much more happy and fulfilling one when compared to the abuse that you have experienced so far from people who are not telling you the truth. See the next six months as a major positive turning point and golden opportunity to get your unconscious house more in order and be yourself for a change.

After all who is there alive on Earth at the moment who is better qualified to be you, when compared to yourself? People who truly love you care for and respect you for being whom you already are, warts and all. So far unfortunately through no conscious fault of your own, this has not yet happened. But with some of those self confidence destroying core beliefs brought under control with professional help, the chance that it might happen sooner rather than much latter improves exponentially with time.

V stands for a crushing, progressive VICTORY over these self betraying unconscious core beliefs (which you are soon about to lose, preferably with professional help plus plenty of long overdue human compassion and understanding),

EoT

EOT

Thank you SO much for  such a kind reading. I really appreciate (and admire) that fact that your approach is always one that is ‘problem solving’ as opposed to just stating likely events that will take place.

I believe that I am looked after by the divine, as again yesterday afternoon, I was covertly rejected by a man that I was interested in which has happened several times since the year started. Rather than go into my usual auto mode of feeling defeatist about the seeming futility of my situation/future in this area – I decided to (before receiving your advice) to stop the pattern of being so concerned about others views of me and their perception of me and focus on accepting myself.  I feel instantly lifted at this realisation and I believe this was my higher power taking care of me.

It sounds obvious to most emotionally healthy people/’common sense’, but I am in recovery for predicaments such as co-dependency and other similar emotional challenges, so such realisations are sort of ‘epiphanies’ for me and require hard work to adhere to religiously in regards to my thought patterns.

Therefore my following questions may sound like contradictions to you following my comments above, but I thought there’d be no harm in just clarifying certain feelings you may or may not have had at the time of the reading (if you don’t mind revisiting the reading/these feelings and have time, I fully understand if you can’t of course). Just to allow me to clear my mind of such queries totally ahead of carrying out the above actions I have mentioned:

1)Did you feel that  there was only really one man that I have been involved with that treated me badly as he didn’t feel worthy of me?
The reason I ask for this clarification is that I have only had a ‘relationship’ with one man in my life for about 3 months (he treated me very badly and only saw me once a week and it wasn’t really a relationship).
The very rare few times that I meet men I actually do like and it is recriprocated (happens about once a year if even that) – the outcome is still the same ( rejection) - just delayed i.e. they will pursue me nonchantly and then leave after about 3 weeks, and also chase other women simultaneously, sometimes in front of me.  
So in summary, were you referring to these men also (as opposed to just one man) in regards to them having low self esteem/emotionally immature? I just ask as I do feel that I can often tell things about people on a spiritual level- and it has just felt as though these men behave dismissively  as they have high /egotistical opinions of themselves as they behave as though they are doing me a favour rather than that they are intimidated by me.
(Before you provide advice regarding my need to respect myself and not entertain their dismissive behaviour – as I have got stronger in my emotional recovery, I have voluntarily deleted men of this description from my life as soon as they started behaving badly.)

2)

Also for clarification - only 1 of the men that have pursued me have called me ugly/unattractive (I overhear him say this to a friend , not directly to me). Other men that I talk to sometimes when out (and they think that I am trying to pursue them) – have told me that think I am ugly/unattractive (as opposed to simply stating that they are not attracted to me).
Again, I know that I should just focus on building my self esteem so that I am not reliant on others to boost my self esteem, but it does concern me that literally every single man that I am interested in finds me unattractive (I am not exaggerating in this statement as this has been the case nearl 20 times this year).                                                                                                                                                                                  

I of course do not expect every man alive to find me attractive and am aware that attraction is also due to mutual chemistry rather than just looks, but just wondering if you had any feeling /clarity at the time of the reading as to why every single man I am attracted to (mostly this has been the case this year) has no interest in me?
Was your feeling at the time of the reading that this literally down to the unconscious messages I am giving off, or perhaps simply that I aim for men out my league?? It is hard to know what to do practically (aside from therapy) as if I could just hear that I am unattractive to all men that I find attractive, I would stop aiming for that league  and just accept that my options are to either accept offers from men I am not attracted to just for the sake of having a partner, or just accept a life alone going forward(which wouldn’t be so bad as this is what it is now.
I appreciate that you said that there is nothing in my reading to suggesting lifelong solitude, but I guess there wasn’t anything that definitely suggested it wouldn’t be the case. Time will tell, but I would be ok if it was. I have decided to let men approach me rather than chat to them (which I don't always do with an agenda) when I socialise - as guaging from your reading, it sounds as though my approach may be viewed as desperate/predatory. My rationale at the time is that a friendly outgoing approach is more likely to result in a relationship than waiting for men to approach me – but I guess it isn’t coming across as I’d hoped. But this measure will at least ensure that those talking to me are interested in me, rather than me pursue anything and face rejection etc.



Thanks again for your time, kindness and compassion, I say this also on behalf of all of the other users of this forum that you have so kindly tended to with your compassionate advisory readings

Take care and honestly, please do not feel you have to answer if you don’t wish to, or don’t have time.

Char 100


I most definitely wish to and have the time to respond to one particular part of what you wrote with such deep thought and a real sense of dignity. Sadly I cannot reopen or revisit a reading once it has been completed, but I can at the very least pass on to you my on ideas and opinions.



Because it is only late March, and so far this year you have encountered men who are too wrapped up with their own issues to be bother with having a genuine relationship with someone who they might see as threatening. Not so much unconscious messages the unconscious messages you are putting out to them, but I do think that your treatment or counseling for your codependency and other problems of abuse has tended to give you a level of self confidence, determination and honesty which is just too much for them to have to deal with. By having a relationship with you, they would have to leave their personal comfort zone, which includes the distorted belief that only men can understand such things and that to reveal their well kept secrets to of ll thing a woman would be the ultimate sign of their weaknesses and inferiority. Their outward act of seeming to feel they are fully in control of themselves and superior to any woman is only a cover up for a big inferiority complex.



Not due to the unconscious messages you are giving out to them, although your body language can be unsettling to them. But you have minimal if any control what comes out of your unconscious or what body signals you are putting out to men. It is difficult enough to be responsible for what we think or do consciously, without also having to feel responsible for something which was never under our control in the first place. Are we then to be held to account for the contents of our dreams? I certainly hope not, for if we are I am really in deep trouble. But we would not be fully human if we did not feel in some way responsible for our unconscious processes. We are often the unwilling victims of our own complexity. The men whom you aim for are not out of your league. You are out of their league, if the truth is to be known. You are simply too confident, strong, determined and emotionally honest for them to have to cope with, but that is their problem which unfortunately in turn then becomes your problem as well in locating a man who is not so tied up with himself and his neuroses that it stops him from wanting to get to know you better.



It is indeed difficult to know what you can do to solve their problems with any woman such as yourself, as many of their problems started many long years before you met them. So what I think you are saying here is that if someone could tell you that you are the problem and are unattractive or even ugly (in one case), that you would stop trying to reach for someone better than the (excuse my language) losers you have met so far. Well dear lady I am not going to do this because it would be a total pack of lies, based upon the incorrect assumption that you are the problem, or that there is something wrong with you, or that you are deliberately putting them off from wanting to have a relationship with you, hen they were the problem all along, but were not man enough to admit it especially to a woman such as yourself, who deserves much better from life and love.



I suppose that this is partially true. There was nothing in your reading that 100% guarantees that you have no role to play in this. Just by trying to relate to them you have a role to play. This does not mean that you are are responsible and should therefore feel guilty for their emotional shortcomings and fears, but you are undoubtedly part of the dynamics. Sorry, but once again there is no way that I can tell you what is a lie. That is that you are not part of the dynamics or energy exchange of the situation. There was not anything in your reading which even mildly short of definitely that you are forever destined to be alone without a man in your life who is emotionally mature enough to handle such a relationship. You seem with due respect to have assumed that only women suffer from codependency and other serious emotional problems. Don't you believe it for another moment. Many men are looking or a substitute for their on mother, not a woman ho is more than their equal and willing to stand up for herself. Never accept this, although I can well understand in the short term how tempting it would be to do so, seeing what you have endured so far in your life, with such courage and immense inner strength.



In my considered opinion, once again with due respect, your gauging of my reading was terribly wrong on all counts. I do not either see your approach as being either desperate or predatory. And I am sure that the men you have met so far do not see you in this way. You are projecting your own understandable and very human fears, self doubts and insecurities onto every man you meet, including me, and are reading something entirely different into their behavior and my reading because of this which could not be any further from the truth than if you had tried to.



Basically that is exactly what your reading was suggesting. Stop trying so hard to attract men, and let them be attracted to you. Be yourself, and always be true to yourself. If men feel threatened by your forthrightness, strength and renewed confidence from your therapy, back off for a while and give yourself some long overdue but well deserved TLC for a pleasant change. How many childless couples have almost immediately got pregnant after years of trying for a baby as soon as they stopped trying to conceive, and went back to making love. Not that I am diagnosing that you are pregnant, but trying too hard in many different situations can definitely have the same result - the complete opposite of the result you were hoping for.



I could not agree more with those sentiments, when compared to if I had said those same words myself. This measure at the very least leaves open the door to new and exciting future developments in your social and love lives. The other more "pushy" methods are only likely to result in an even more tightly closed door, than what it was before.

Be kinder to yourself,

EoT

EOT

Thank you so much again for your kind advice and words. The advice has really helped me to move on and propelled me further into my recovery as I am not in the dark regarding certain issues. I feel relieved to hear (implicitly) that my hard work in therpay has paid off and my perceived 'failures' are not in fact my problem at all.

I do however accept that I still do have some way to go/more work to do. I was wondering if I could trouble you with one last question (if it is appropriate to ask you this). I have basically been in therapy for the past 10 years. Therapy for codependency, emotional addictions, abuse  etc. It is only really my work within codependency groups and other work to combat another addicition I have that has given me a sense of self worth and positive direction in my life. I am not 100% there, but better than I was. I note that you mentioned that despite this, you felt that that I needed more help - I was wondering if you have any feeling as to what sort of help I should seek as I feel I have exhausted all of the available relevant options @ this point ....

Thanks so much again for your advice