I'm sorry if this is against the rules...... but seriously, I've had enough of everything. During my life, nothing has ever worked out the way I wanted it, I try to do my best and I want to be happy and live a normal life, being charitable and respectable to others, but I can't. Too much to ask, I guess.

I don't want to go into detail, because I don't want this to be a baggage of my problems, so I'll just summarise it.
Betrayal, mental illnesses, setbacks,hatred,rage,fear,criticism,loss........ I've had those feelings for my whole life and I cannot remember ONCE, I was actually purely happy and innocent, I really don't know what to do, I've had all the support, it never helped me or only worked temporarily and I'd be back in this same state, again.

I think, I understand the meaning of life now......to suffer constantly, there is pain associated with everything. If people say I'm just at my "lowest point", well this is how I've spent the majority of my life, trying to change, only to find out my efforts are futile, when will it end? The pain and anger, that is my constant motivator.....it just keeps building on and on.....I think I will lose touch with reality soon, not that that's a bad thing, I want to escape from it all...... what else have I got to live for now? I've got nothing, sure family and friends would be sad that I'd be gone, because they're selfish, they don't genuinely care, they want to keep me alive, regardless of how painful it is for me, they just don't want to feel any guilt.

I would expand on it, but I think I've said enough, I can't find any solution....but "death" itself, I've had everything taken away from me in this life, so you may say I'm cynical and negative, but I've tried and now I've given up....the only thing this stupid life can take away now, is my own life. I don't care what happens,you know, the "life after death" thing, I don't care anymore, even if I get sent to hell.....

My main question is: Why should I live?.........to expand on the context, what have I got, to motivate me now? What can I offer people in the future? Wil I ever find happiness?......that one question covers all these aspects.
Also,please,be honest......I need some spirtual guidance and direction right now.....I'm not functioning properly as a human being, in all respects.

Let me start to give you a hug...a big hug....you are a young  man that try to carry a lot of burdens on your shoulders, and the question is for what?

Is life worth living?

Yes of course it is...to live is to feel...to love...to be in a state where you know you are you!

BUT, In order for you to feel alive...to be able to love...you must learn to love yourself....not in an egoist way...but to understand your self worth, only then can you manage the many obstacles life throw at us.

There is NO way we can please all around us, there is No way we can make all around us love us...BUT if you manage to be secure on yourself such thing will not have that great impact on your mood...you will not feel so down...because you know you have done your best.

When we try to please other, many times other takes us then for granted, the more we do...the more other expect....and since we feel we give a lot...we might feel "defeat or betrayal if other don't follow up in the same lane.....we can never expect this...because we are all different...we all have different needs..views...thoughts....and this must be accepted....because that is what makes us.

So the clue is to start building yourself.
I think one are very vulnerable in your age, on the doorstep to adulthood.
We might put up to big expectations, or feel to big responsibility.

If you feel very down like you tell here, I would suggest you take a talk with your doc, and get professional help to clear up some points in life and get into right track.

To end ones life is a very final solution, which put your family into great despair, and even if you say it put an end to your "misery", what about all you might experience?
I remember my old folks, who have struggled their whole life to give us the kids a good life, even when they had become very old and "sick" they felt that life had a value....so why not you....it all stay in our minds....if we start longing for ending our life...that will be our minds task...if we start loving life...that will be our minds task......So start LOVING YOURSELF AND THE LIFE YOU HAVE GOT!

Good luck and another big hug!

Dear Silvio,

It sounds like you are in great inner pain, day in and day out, breath in and breath out, a constant ache that never goes away, despite your hardest efforst to make sense of it, despite telling yourself you'll feel better someday... You find you've tried the hardest for a very long time and yet the pain is as strong and everpresent as it ever was. And when even breathing becomes mentally painful then there will be a day when you think the inevitable - "This pain will never stop," and it is accompanied with "No more."

Am I close in describing the point you've reached? You've reached a turning point that may have become for you the point of no return. But that you posted gives me hope as I see it as a last attempt act to reach out for help. A shimmer of hope in you that you might be helped still lives in you.

You can get help, if you reach out and ask for it. You can help yourself by translating that shimmer of hope in love for yourself. Next, since you love yourself enough to reach out to us, then you can use that to make your self-love even bigger, big enough to reach out for professional help.

Whether your depression was brought about by circumstances, or because of a natural hormonal imbalance in your brain, you can get professional and medical help for both.

But the most important help, most basic help will have to come from yourself... love yourself, cuddle yourself... if you feel you have nothing else, at least you have that... and you have done nothing that deserved to hate yourself.

People who wish you to live are not selfish. They cannot always fattom how painful living can become. And those that do know, from personal experience, also have the experience that at some point there can be a light at the end of the depression tunnel and new meaning to live. Nevertheless, noone can demand you to live to save others from the hurt of losing you. You can only demand yourself to live for yourself and find meaning for "yourself".

The meaning of life is the meaning you give to it. It is the most personal opinion ever you will form in your life, and yet you can ask for help in finding it. If you see life having the meaning to suffer, then that is how you will shape your life. And that is what the depression is doing to you. If you see life having the meaning to learn and grow, then no matter how people treat you and whatever befalls you, then you will shape your life to become stronger through it all. If you want to live, then you will have to decide on a meaning of life that makes you want to live, independent of what others do to you or not. And that process might take some time, but in hindsight might turn you into a rock, possibly with medical help for the rest of your life if you're pathalogically depressed.

I wish you all the warmth, love and professional help you deserve and need to get strong again, and discover that there is something for yourself worth living for.

Blessings,

SSR... posting as a fellow human

thank you......but, this is a lot more to do with depresaion.
I'm going to go into detail, maybe then, will someone understand where I'm coming from.

I got my depression at 6, I felt isolated and alone, detached from everybody else, I was abused by my parent they used to physically hurt me, as well as emotionally , I remember going when I was 6 I used to have bruises, scars and blood everywhere because my parents saw it as a means of discipline, they said I was useless and stupid....do you know how that felt? I had to forgive them and try to move on, as a teenager I was incredibly angry....and I still am.

Also, I had to grow up extremely quick...at the age of about 8 I had already experienced every negative aspect of the human psyche...abuse of power etc. I was bullied all the way up till I was 16, during that time I was sent to hospital 4 times, because I got so bad...I wasn't just suicidal, I had anger management to the point where I lost touch with reality, I was homicidal, I wanted to get revenge on everybody in my life, been homicidal since the start of my high school years....imagining torturing people actually helped me get through the day.

There's more: I thought I had my family but guess what? because of a joke my cousin I admired tried to kill me....my mother tried to put me in jail, because of an argument......relatives knew about my suicidal thoughts, there solutions? "Don't get him near a gun...hahahahha"this happened when I was a teenager.

Friends? don't get me started..... so many backstabbers out there, that I would love to see explode into organs and a pool of red. To retrospect, I don't think I had any friends at all, any true, trustworthy friends.
Things like love, family, friends....all a twisted illusion, I can easily prove that.

Never once in my life have I felt truly innocent or happy? you know how it feels like to be a sociopath? To not feel anything be hatred and anger, to get by your contemporary life. Oh yea....and I'm extremely shortsighted and I have eczema.....incurable diseases.