i have had a life full of ups and down

Firstly I am not a qualified doctor or psychiatrist but my feelings are that you have developed a phobia about losing loved ones through illness and that rather than being in any danger of losing your mind you are describing a severe anxiety reaction to having your worst fears come true yet again. It may or may not have lead to a stress breakdown as I suffered myself with many years ago for a completely different reason. Could I please ask that if you are still taking any form of medication prescribed by your doctor or specialist for your condition that you should consult him or her before you alter the dosage, as I would feel terribly responsible if on the basis of what I have just said you decided to drop your medication because you believed that the diagnosis was wrong, and you therefore felt you no longer needed it?

One of the downsides of loving anyone is that we know that eventually one way or the other we will lose them. Of course while we recognise this fact of life at some deeper level we hope that we will not lose them any time soon. But when your ex had his accident seemingly out of the blue and for no obvious reason it triggered your conditioned response which had been building up over many years of watching family members suffer and perhaps die from their sickness.

My purpose in giving you this reading is several fold.

1. I wanted to let you know how much I admire your courage in being able to get this far in spite of your fear of losing someone close to you specifically through illness, as I have a sister who has a morbid phobia of spiders and I do understand the very big difference between fearing something and having developed a phobia towards it. I have seen considerable visible evidence of what havoc this can cause to someone's life, and as a person who has had chronic illness for most of my 55 plus years I can also see your fears from the perspective of someone who battles with the effects of anxiety and depression on a daily basis. I just wanted you to know that you are far from being alone with this, and that there are many people on these forums who are here to give you whatever comfort and support they are able.

2. I do not know whether your anxieties or panic disorder were the only reason for your husband divorcing you, but regardless of this I feel that continuing to blame yourself and  to ask endless what if questions is now holding you back from wanting to love or even get too emotionally close to someone in the future in case they are also lost to illness. In other words a fear which started mainly within your family has now I feel become generalised to extend to your closest relationships with people who are not genetically members of your family, as was the case with your then husband. My feelings are therefore that it is imperative that you should do so inner emotional work in order to gradually learn to forgive yourself for something which is and will probably always to some extent be a part of your personality. This does not mean that the situation is hopeless and you will never be able to function normally ever again, but it probably does mean that you will need professional assistance in learning to deal with this phobia, as both an intelligent and caring person. I feel that you deserve only the very best that life can offer you, and that you owe it to yourself not to allow this to get in the way of finding someone else to love.

3. In combination with any treatment you are currently receiving from a qualified professional to desensitise you to your fears (they will never completely go away, but can be significantly reduced), I believe that if you still have family members who are ill that you should honestly communicate your feelings and concerns to them rather than continuing to bottle them up as out of sight does not always necessarily mean out of mind. Your fear is like a hidden enemy eating away at you from deep inside, and if you can progressively open up about your feelings and face your fears head on perhaps with professional assistance, I think that you have a very good chance of making them shrink down in size to where they will be much more manageable. Watching someone we love suffering with an illness invokes our inner knowing that there but by the grace of God goes I and that like your beloved family member there is a 100% chance that one day we ourselves must all leave this world, and pass over into Spirit when our time arrives. We are continually faced with the evidence of our own mortality on a day to day basis, as well as the many imperfections of the human body.

4. While it is difficult to believe that if you did lose someone you love to illness that you would be able to carry on with your own life in spite of this, comfort yourself with the undeniable fact that you have repeatedly been proved to be wrong and that you are now continuing to reach out for help wherever you can get it. This is not to be seen as a sign of weakness, but instead shows to me that you are a survivor and that you are determined to get better, no matter what. Please do not put yourself down or feel embarrassed for showing us what I regard is your greatest strength - your belief in and commitment to yourself with regards to getting these perfectly understandable (for a person who has experienced what you have) fears under a greater degree of control. Feel the fear, but do it anyway?

Wishing you continuing good health and a much brighter and more positive future ahead,

eye_of_tiger  

VVVVVV

There is often a very big difference between wanting to spend some quality time with yourself and being alone, when compared to the terrible pain of feeling lonely. You wanted first a companion and second a husband when you believed that God brought this man into your life, but since you believe that he did you then feel that you have not only failed yourself, but failed God as well. I want to prove to you that you are wrong on both counts. You did everything you possibly could to make the marriage work, but unfortunately  your love for him was not returned to you as it should have been.

I feel on the other hand that your then husband was attracted to you not because God selected him, but rather because he knew that your strong need to have a best friend would make you more vulnerable to him by wanting to please him regardless of how he behaved towards you. Only once you went to America did his true colours reveal themselves, making you even more dependent on him than if you had stayed at home.

In other words without being able to directly read him, I feel that he is the one who failed in the sense of him being unable to recognise what a sensitive and caring woman you are and how much he stood to lose by leaving you high and dry while overseas.

I know this is probably a very "un-spiritual" attitude to have on a site such as this one, but people who use others to get what they want then discard them when they no longer serve any useful purpose to them do I am afraid make me angry and embarrassed to also call myself a man. While I would not wish any harm to your ex husband, I choose to channel my anger in a positive direction instead into helping people like yourself, who deserve much better treatment than this.

Love, Light and Healing,

eye_of_tiger

CVXZ