Wow, Brittany--all of that is so creepy and senseless.  It must be so frustrating not to be able to get any answers that seem to make sense.  (I am surprised for my part that the issue of her defending herself (or not) came up for me, without my knowing the circumstances, as it does seem at least somewhat relevant--but, again, that could just be coincidence).  Since your stepfather's version seems to make no sense, perhaps she was asleep or close to it--which, I suppose, would have been "better" for her in terms of not registering/feeling what happened.

It's also so strange that you never noticed any signs of a problem with your mother and stepfather.  Is it possible that he just "snapped" (he doesn't sound as if he was altogether snapped if he had the presence of mind to unplug the phone lines and lock the doors)?  Did your mother have any close friends in whom she might have confided if something worried her, even if it wasn't apparent to you?

I know that you said that your stepfather got out on bail    soon after being arrested.  Is there a trial coming up?  Is it possible that you might get some of the answers you seek when that happens?  Once again (and I know you understand this), I think that finding a way to get beyond the actual death of your mother and go on confident that she loves you and knows you love her is the best course of action, but it may also help you sleep better and feel less freaked out if you get some sense of what really happened.

I just found this article about "warning signs" for potentially abusive spouses online (written by Cliff van Zandt at MSNBC).  I don't know if it will help, but maybe something might ring a bell, even if your stepfather didn't seem to you to show any violent tendencies.

History of abuse as a child.

History of his/her verbal or physical abuse of parents, family, and friends and even pets.

History of acts of vandalism or other crimes, especially those of violence against others.

Lack of a positive male role model in the home, or the presence of an abusive male or female authority figure in the early or formative years.

Exhibits a violent temper along with poor conflict resolution skills.

Needs always to be in control of situations and those closest to him.

Is usually jealous and may spy on friends and family.

If male, he views and owns pornographic materials and may spend hours on the Internet without allowing you to see what he is into.

Abuses alcohol or exhibits other kinds of substance abuse.

Has a very low or especially high self-image; if male, a “macho” man, possibly connected to his physical stature, or his educational or professional background or occupation.

Is unable to talk about or discuss his personal feelings.

Insensitive to the feelings of others – he does not feel your pain.

Lies frequently, many times for no apparent reason.

Cannot admit to guilt or responsibility in any situation.

Remember: Knowing these early warning signs can help you “self-screen or screen out” those who could be abusive in a personal relationship.

The number one cause of death for pregnant women is murder by their unborn’s father. Additionally, we know that about 75% of domestic homicides occur during or around the time of separation and abandonment.

No one who marries usually expects to be murdered by the one closest to them. But for hundreds of women on a yearly basis, the one they trust the most commits the ultimate betrayal.


Take care,

Doe

I also just found this site:

http://www.helpguide.org/mental/domestic_violence_abuse_types_signs_causes_effects.htm
This section seemed like it might be especially relevant in terms of your not seeing "signs" that your stepfather might be capable of something like what he did:

Reasons we know an abuser's behaviors are not about anger and rage:

He does not batter other individuals - the boss who does not give him time off or the gas station attendant that spills gas down the side of his car. He waits until there are no witnesses and abuses the person he says he loves.

If you ask an abused woman, "can he stop when the phone rings or the police come to the door?" She will say "yes". Most often when the police show up, he is looking calm, cool and collected and she is the one who may look hysterical. If he were truly "out of control" he would not be able to stop himself when it is to his advantage to do so.

The abuser very often escalates from pushing and shoving to hitting in places where the bruises and marks will not show. If he were "out of control" or "in a rage" he would not be able to direct or limit where his kicks or punches land.

Again, I don't know if any of that might help "explain" what is unexplainable, but it's something to consider.  Maybe your stepfather really did just "snap", but it sounds as if it's also possible that he and your mother were keeping some abuse hidden.  Just stuff to think about...

Doe

on that list the only thing there that pertained to tony is the one about perticipation in crime or violence. before he and my mo  married he used to hang wiith a biker gang called hells angels. you may have heard of them. he had also told me stories of scalping a man that was rude to him and also one of killing a man while working in some other state and using an alias. i have talk to the police about that but i cant remember the alias he used. so it does no good. but out of all the things on that list thats the only one. my mom did have a best friend and i  talked to her and asked if my mom ever confided in her about anything. she said no. i am really close to her and talk to her once a week(i live out of state) and she doesnt understand it either. the trial should be between now and may. we are waiting on some stuff from the phorensics lab and as soon as it comes in we can have trial. i just wish none of this ever happened. i miss my mom and i wish she could meet her grandson and watch both grandbabies grow up. i moved from alabama to nort indidna because i was scared to go to walmart. i love walmart cant be scared to go there.lol. but we are planning on moveing south in about a year but we will not be moving back to that county. hell i still have issues going to walmart here. if i see someone who resembles him i go into a panic. i hope that going through the trial can help me. i know he will not get off on the charges. he is trying to plead insanity but being premeditated it throws the insanity plea out. once he is convicted i am thinking about visiting him at the jail to talk to him. but i dont know if i can. i am scared to death to go to trial. i want it to come but i am so scared to see him. not only that but i am scared of what i might do. also i am scared of what i might feel. i know i feel hatred right now but i am terrified that i might feeel bad for himmbeacause i know i did think of him as my father at one point. i can only hope that i can have the strenghth to go through this. my husband will be there to support me. as will my moms friends and family andeveryone who worked with her that is off that day will be there also.

doe. thank you so much for letting me spill my guts to you and talking to me. you have helped a lot. i wish everyone in the worls were as thoughtful and caring as you. we need more people like that. you have a generous soul.

Brittany,

Yup--definitely heard of the Hell's Angels!  (I just read an article on CNN today about how they planned to murder Mick Jagger from the Rolling Stones back in the '60's, but they tried to get to his house by boat.  The boat capsized and dumped them all out--guess they should have stuck with their bikes!)  Seriously, your stepfather was with a very rough crowd, and wouldn't be a stranger to violence (they're still around, but I think they've mellowed for the most part).  If you ever rent the movie, "Gimme Shelter," you'll get some idea.

I'm glad that you have the support of your husband, family, and friends.  The trial will be hard, but you'll make it through, and you may get some answers (although some may be hard to hear at first).  You're allowed to have ANY of the feelings you feel, as long as they don't make you do anything harmful to yourself or others.  If you still feel the need, definitely get some more counseling to help you through the hard times.  And you can always write here (you can also always feel free to PM me here, if you'd prefer).

Thank you for the nice thing you said.  I don't think I did much to help, but I know that it can help to talk to someone who doesn't "know" you sometimes.  As I said, you sound smart and strong--even if you don't feel that way all the time.  And I know that your mother is watching you and her grandchildren and the rest of you, and that you'll make her proud.

Take good care of yourself,

Doe

P.S.  I know EXACTLY what you mean about needing those WalMart fixes!

thank you so much doe. for now i am done with my talking but i may be back soon to talk again. if you have yahoo add me..... thanks so much.

Mod note:  address removed, please pm this for safety reasons as this board is public.