I am new to the site, Like a loto f people just trying to find my way, Have spent 44 years trying to be what everyone else wants, and wfeel it is time to find out what I should be/do..
can you help?
I am Male, 44 and live in the uk

Hello Gingerprince, What is it that you would like us to help you with.

hello gingerprince,

welcome to the board. i'm not sure what your asking, as samson said.
i was going to wait until your reply to send you a post, but then u came through so clear, that i had to tell you what i'm feeling from your post.  

you live your life as you want to at times. you are very free with the decisions that you have made in your life, and you don't care who knows. but there are other times where your not so proud and you tend to shut down the real you. I think it's when your around certain ppl. your like a sponge, you soak up others moods. when you are around ppl that are outgoing like you (that's were u really belong)
you are the life the party, you have a magnetism that draws ppl to you.

But there are other times where i see a lot of darkness, and shame.  i don't know if you know where that comes from, because it's not coming from you. you are picking this up from someone else, and incorporating it into your life. i think it makes you confused at times. i'm not quite sure if this is coming from a small group of ppl or one in particular. but it somebody very close to you, but a complete stranger at the same time?

 you have always wanted their approval. you try and try but it's never quiet good enough. you need to let it go and start living your life. you and everything about you is good enough, it's just not ever going to be good enough for them. i feel this is a very closed minded person, they build themselves up only by tearing others down.

you need to know that the problem is their's not your, so stop shouldering it. i know that it will not be easy for you to do this thou, you might not be able to do it at all.  i'm not sure if this is making any sense to you. you are like two sides of a coin, it's a whole coin. but two totally different sides. you go from one extreme to another and you don't know why. i don't know why either i have an idea, but i might have said to much already. i hope you were asking for what i'm posting. a little help can be interpreted in so many ways.

 i not psychic or anything. so this might be coming from the left field or something, but nevertheless it's coming from somewhere around you. hope i haven't offended you. if it doesn't apply then no big deal, forget about it. but if it does you really need to take stock of your life and decide how much longer you are going to put yourself through this.

take care of u, and not everybody else. they will survive.
with much respect,
blackcat  

the hoplessness that you are feeling right now is not you but a product of not moving forward.  Pick something you enjoy and try to learn it.  try more schooling to progress in your job or get a new job that will help you move forward until you are happy with how you life is going!  if you are not getting to support you need try making new friends (if only one person) and look for supoort from them.   this is easier said then none but trying to learn new things and meeting new people will get you there.  you are for sure ready to move on to something different then what you have in you life.  grap the chicken by the horns and do it!    

and welcome to the board and whole bunch of new ideas!  

Very well put Blackcat & George, you both are very good at seeing what troubles people.