thanks everyone,
blackcat

Kitty Cat said~!!
<Snip>
i only want the pain for everyone to go away. and i ask u all this. if the tables were turned and you were looking at all these lives's, your kids, yours, his father's, your parents and families? and the truth is you have created all this pain and suffering in their life's, and the consequences are still causing heartache for all involved. how easy do you think it would be to find the good thing in you, and be forgiving? be honest.
</snip>

Your right.. I would be very hard on my self, It would take me years, if any.... I didn't over look your post.. I didn't reply because I'm like that as well.. I'm very hard on my self about things in my life... I guess it's to easy to say to others, don't be hard on your self.. I'm sorry, I should of know better to fool you... Who am I kidding... But in other words. I want what's best for you and your family... I do learn from what I say to others.. I try to do what's best.. I feel like I failed if I didn't get through to others and my self... Or if I'm unsure I wont say anything also...

Is this what you wanted~?

I try not to step on other ppl's toes.. I tend to say things wrong and not what I really mean...  Meaning it just comes out wrong....

ps,
Shadow is off behind a tree...lol  

Blackcat, I think just about everybody has said what they wanted; to help you including myself, we want nothing but the best for you and would like to see you smiling again, I'm trying to be really positive here and hoping that all goes well for you, so my friend keep your chin up, I believe in you.

Of course it's hard to do and easy for us to say, that you have to forgive yourself.

In my opinion is that not the main issue here....If we agree with you that what you have done is so bad that you hardly should be able to "forgive" (never forget) then we would agree or most likely, said nothing.

When we point out that you can forgive yourself,(agein..never forget...two different thing) then this goes on our evaluation from the little we know about you, that you have managed to get rid of drug, back in work, show very good feelings toward this community (this show that you have this feelings in you), then we as your friends can express that you are allowed to forgive yourself.

Of course the forgiveness is all up to you, but I hope with our statement that a tiny thought get a foothold inside your brain, that at least some people lare fond of you and think you are a good girl

Blackcat, sure you had done some s**tful things in your past and I believe a lot of people have done the same if not worse than yourself, but sometimes we need to look at the future to see were we are going and leave that other crap behind us, so that we can build and be strong again, I know forgiving yourself is hard because I struggle with that as well, if i'm willing to give it a try I think you can as well.

P.S Just leave your past baggage at the railway station to get lost with crowd.