Diagnoses of last episode- Bi-Polar 1 mixed with severe psychotic features. I was told that to have psychotic features was different than psychosis. But I do have psychosis. The mix means that it was both manic and depression at the same time. Which is no fun! :( This is what we reviewed today at my therapy apt. She had mentioned that he has it down as a deep form of depression with psychotic features. So we looked it up to see what really is my diagnosis. She said that I am still Bi-Polar 1, but must have been depressed when he had done this review on me.

Depression is hard to go through, I would go months feeling those saddies. With every Monday or Sunday in Mania. A break for the week then crash hard, but steady depression through. Although I was smiling and talking and thinking positive about my outlook on life, I still felt drained, un-rested, tired, and wanting to with drawl.

Then there was those days where I rapid cycled. Which I blogged about. Not fun stuff!

I was talking about the psychosis aspect, and she was re-directing me to focus on the positive. Come on say something positive. How I adore this one! So I thought about how blogging has helped some people that I know.

I have had peeps from all over the world visit here. And this lifts me like you wouldn't believe. I mean it helps me to think that I am actually doing something with my time. That I am once again creating like I used to do. I love to write and long to one day become an Editorilast. I have alot of opinions. HAHAHA!

I started to write negative because inside I harbor mixed feelings toward my diagnosis. I am learning to be comfortable within myself, while fixing what I can. To love the whole person, mind, body and soul.

To love myself... root of much of my depression. Never feeling good enough. Which we can trace back to the root of a father who has abandoned his child, and a mom that abused. To the grandparents that abused. To the Foster mom who lost her license due to neglect. I went from home to home to home...relationship after relationship.

Now I stand alone...

With the company of friends. ;) I am still alone like I was prior to the relationships. This time I am feeling stronger and not feeling that I need someone else to tell me that I AM GOOD ENOUGH! This is why I jumped into the arms of people once I left another. But this is not the case this time. I see where the problem was, it was internal and not so much external.

A war within my head and heart it seems.

Tonight I babble, ramble, rant... I am extremely tired from a busy day. But I felt the need to write in my blog. It is something that I actually look forward to doing.

So how to overcome the depression? Meds only work so far. There is internal re-programing that needs to occur. To re-wire our thought process.

My brain is like a land mind. They are everywhere. Triggers within. Then it sets off the dominoes of feelings and expressions that I will say or do without much thought. Mostly it is directed at myself. Self hate talk.

With therapy I have come to find that I am stopping those internal programs that surface during the time I wish to change things up. Hard to explain but sometimes when I want this, I am feel that I need to to that. When I want to say this, Instead it will come out that. I have yet to find the words yet to describe it so one could understand the internal wiring of what it is like to feel like two inside one.

I am free spirited, yet reserved. I like jewels, but only by thrifty. I love heavy metal bands, but do not play it too loudly. I am a walking contradiction. Like C. said before she stole your identity, punished you so much that you have forgotten who you really are.

The real question. For the survivors who were used to blending into any environment. Do we ever be? Meaning do we ever just be ourselves, or have we forgotten due to the years of brainwashing and years of torture?

Who do we become? Who are we to be?

Is it possible to just be me?

Safe Journey