Guilt ridden

I tried to free

Unable to do so

Casualty


Little brother

Trapped now in a man

Unable to talk

Unable to feed

All for protecting me



Today is your Birthday

Distractions didn't work

I still miss you

It still hurts


Note:For all picking up my vibes later yesterday this is why.  Rarely I speak, not because of shame.  I love him no matter what condition his body is in.  I remember the boy, who wasn't born like this.  Many things went into his current condition.  No one specific reason.  He did get the brunt of it.  Even after the day he stopped speaking, always charging to my aid. Not God, nor Karma is to blame.  Now as the older sister I wrestle.  Partner says yes as a older sib we protect from falling down, putting things into mouth, but not this.  Really hard to talk about.  As I do not wish to hurt, via vibes.  But perhaps there are others that feel that they failed in their ability to guard, and protect.  I am needing to take a break, retune, and cleanse.  Really thought that I was doing better, then I dropped like a house of cards.  I hope that one day this gets easier.  With guilt I have lived on to carry out my life.  All the while he is trapped inside a body that no longer serves him.  We all have skeletons in our closets.  For the most part I am happy.  Out of sight out of mind, I do not think about him all the time.  It just hurts too much.  Far be it that I am perfect. I fall all the time.  These are just lessons that helped me cope that I share.  We all have our days, our own growing pains.  Many of us walking through the fire.  For me this is what I know to be re-birth.  Something here in this life, a chance to grow, begin anew.  As to my little brother, he will be fine.  There are so many who work with him, and he is so loved.  Deep inside I wonder if this isn't his spirit's doing, what better way to ensure you get home than to remain as a child, innocent, unable to make those mistakes.  I really don't know the reasons why.  Later today I will go see him, and bring him his favorite treats.  He loves chocolate too.  In his eyes, I hear so much without a word.  His channel I have always been able to tune into.  He is not angry with me, unless I let too much time pass.  For he understands more than they give him credit for.  Violently he acts out, his body not able to function the way that he wishes.  The mind still sharp, trapped within.  Already I am starting to feel a little bit better getting this off my chest.  My little brother's lesson for me was to enjoy all that I take for granite.  In time I hope to find my forgiveness in reguards to this particular thing.  Slowly I have allowed myself to progress.  There are times when I think it is over, then boom I fall again.  Having to get up and push forward.  He is my biggest trigger, and the hardest to learn to cope with.  Comforting....The street that my grandma passed away on, the place we would excape to, 9 houses down I came to visit a friend 10 years after grandma's passing, I met the man who would help me with healing.  My curent partner, who years after meeting I found out that his mom had helped my little brother at a job she had worked at.  This is a rather large city.  It all came full circle.