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Posts: 2514 · Posted: Sat Mar 08, 2008 7:38 am

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Are You in a Toxic Relationship?

How do you know if your relationship experiences "normal ups and downs" or is mired in abusive, toxic patterns? Determining the health of your most important relationships is the first step toward creating a happier life for yourself and those you surround yourself with.

Complete this questionnaire once for each relationship you are concerned about. Don't combine answers about your spouse with answers about another relationship. You can apply the questionnaire to each of your relationships. It will help you not only identify whether your relationships are destructive, but in what way they are destructive.

Adapted with permission from "The Emotionally Destructive Relationship: Seeing It! Stopping It! Surviving It!" By Leslie Vernick (Harvest House Publishers, 2007).

Q1. Does the person use physical force or threats of force to make you do something you don't want to do, or to keep you from doing something you want to do?
1. Never
2. Sometimes
3. Frequently

Q2. Does the person use verbal weapons such as cursing, name calling, degrading comments, constant criticism, or blaming to get you to do something you don't want to do or to keep you from doing something you want to do?
1. Never
2. Sometimes
3. Frequently

Q3. Does the person curse at you, call you names, humiliate you in public, or degrade you when he/she is unhappy with something you do?
1. Never
2. Sometimes
3. Frequently

Q4. Does the person force or manipulate you to perform sexually in ways you do not want to?
1. Never
2. Sometimes
3. Frequently

Q5. Do you ever feel afraid of the person?
1. Never
2. Sometimes
3. Frequently

Q6. Does the person yell, curse, or hurt you physically when he/she is frustrated or angry?
1. Never
2. Sometimes
3. Frequently

Q7. Does the person threaten to alienate your children from you or use them to intimidate you into getting what he/she wants?
1. Never
2. Sometimes
3. Frequently

Q8. Are you afraid to disagree with the person?
1. Rarely
2. Sometimes
3. Frequently

Q9. When you share your thoughts and feelings about something important to you, does the person ignore, make fun of, or dismiss you?
1. Rarely
2. Sometimes
3. Frequently

Q10. Are you verbally and/or physically abusive toward the person?
1. Never
2. Sometimes
3. Frequently

Q11. Does the person always think he/she is right and doesn't stop arguing with you until you're worn out or give in?
1. Rarely
2. Sometimes
3. Frequently

Q12. Does the person make most of your decisions for you?
1. Rarely
2. Sometimes
3. Frequently

Q13. Does the person control the family money, giving you little or no say?
1. Rarely
2. Sometimes
3. Frequently

Q14. Have you given up things that were important to you because the person pressured you?
1. Rarely
2. Sometimes
3. Frequently

Q15. Does the person pout or withdraw from you for extended periods of time when he/she is angry or upset with you?
1. Rarely
2. Sometimes
3. Frequently

Q16. When you ask for a time out or donâ€™t want to talk about something anymore, does the person keep badgering you to engage?
1. Rarely
2. Sometimes
3. Frequently

Q17. Does the person lie to you?
1. Never
2. Sometimes
3. Frequently

Q18. Have you observed the person lying to others?
1. Rarely
2. Sometimes
3. Frequently

Q19. Does the person tell you something didn't happen when you know it did?
1. Never
2. Sometimes
3. Frequently

Q20. Does the person tell you he/she didn't say something when you're pretty sure he/she did?
1. Rarely
2. Sometimes
3. Frequently

Q21. Does the person depend on you to meet all his/her needs?
1. Rarely
2. Sometimes
3. Frequently

Q22. Do you feel more like a child than an adult in the relationship?
1. Rarely
2. Sometimes
3. Frequently

Q23. Are you emotionally devastated when the person is upset with you or doesn't want to be in relationship with you?
1. Rarely
2. Sometimes
3. Frequently

Q24. When you try to talk with the person about something that's bothering you, do you end up feeling like the trouble is your fault?
1. Rarely
2. Sometimes
3. Frequently

Q25. When the person does something wrong, does he/she blame you or anyone else for it?
1. Rarely
2. Sometimes
3. Frequently

Q26. Does the other person make excuses for his/her behavior (anger, jealousy, lies)?
1. Rarely
2. Sometimes
3. Frequently

Q27. Do you feel loved and cared for in the relationship?
1. Frequently
2. Sometimes
3. Rarely

Q28. Can you safely express an opinion that is different from the person's?
1. Frequently
2. Sometimes
3. Rarely

Q29. Does the person show interest in you and your needs?
1. Frequently
2. Sometimes
3. Rarely

Q30. Are you able to express your honest thoughts and feelings with the person?
1. Frequently
2. Sometimes
3. Rarely

Q31. When the person does something wrong, does he/she admit it and take responsibility for it?
1. Frequently
2. Sometimes
3. Rarely

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Posts: 2611 · Posted: Sat Mar 08, 2008 5:49 pm

Very interesting. You find good things to use and to ponder.