Samson's right, there are people here for you.  I used to call the Samaritans and cry down the phone!

Maybe it's a bit pat, but you could try releasing the fear through the "How to release negative energies" bit?  One of the things I omitted was beginning with "I am always protected and guided" - which you probably need.  And I truly believe we are.  I believe we all have our own spirit guide who accompanies us throughout our lifetime.  Their job is to make sure that we experience the major events that have been planned for us, in order to learn this lifetime's lessons.

This is what I believe was one of my life's "lessons":  I had grown up alienated from my mother, and consequently from nearly everyone else because I had concluded that I was bad, and that the world rejected me (which made me hugely angry, but then, looking inside myself I saw what I thought was "badness", a darkness that horrified me, so that made me feel that it was not the "world's" fault, but mine for being bad).  So I was radiating anger to the world, but if anyone else suffered my heart was touched because I knew what that was like, and I would want to help.

So, on the inside I was already very alone.  I had one close friend who was very much like me in some ways, but our closeness was based on being the same in our insecurities.  We used to cry on each other's shoulders, and swear that we needed no-one else.  But there came a point where I outshone her (while we were taking the same college course), and she packed it in and left - not just the college, but here.  She took up with a crowd who were going travelling, and left.

My younger brother died in a motorcycle accident, which crumpled me to bits because of my parents' suffering.  I thought it was my fault: he only went out that day because I was complaining that he was making too much noise at home.  Then my sister married and moved away.  In my mind, my brother was my Dad's companion - he didn't seem much to know how to relate to his daughters, but he adored his son.  My sister was my Mum's companion, as the eldest, and being more like her.  I thought I had no place, but I was left trying to be a substitute for both of them.

Then I met a boy that I loved, more than anything in the world, but I couldn't see how he could possibly love me.  I was terrified of him, I always felt that he would destroy me (though not with violence).  We got together - I was ecstatically happy.  We arranged to meet the following day.  But a friend of mine saw us together, and took me aside.  He said that I should not be with him, because he was already with someone else, a girl who was "really nice", and moreover she was pregnant (by someone else who had abandoned her), and needed him.  I knew my love would look after her (he was like that, and he loved children), and I thought he deserved someone better than me.  I thought that no-one would ever describe me as "nice".  I wanted to ask him about this other girl, because I knew he would not two-time, but I thought that seeing me must be just a kind of whim, and I was afraid that he might resent her if he felt that the choice had been taken away from him.  I thought that he would have finished with me in a couple of weeks, anyway, when he saw what I was really like inside.

So I lied, and let him go.  I told him, "I was only playing around, I wasn't serious ..."  And he left.  But just at the moment when he walked out of the door my heart tried to hold on to him, and the bond tore away.  (This is another thing I want to know more about!)  I was left bleeding from the centre of my chest, where my life energy was flowing out of me.

This energy bleeding went on and on.  I wanted to die to stop the pain, but I couldn't because I had to be a substitute for my brother and sister.  I couldn't add to my parents' pain which was like an ocean, even if only by one drop (which I thought was all it would be).  So I tried to go on living.  As time went on, I got more frightened because I could look inside myself and see the remaining energy getting smaller and smaller: football sized, tennis ball sized ...

After about 18 months, I looked one day and all there was, was an orange spark which was about to go out.  I knew then that I had lost - I fought with everything I had, and I lost ...  I would leave this plane, because I hadn't the energy to stay connected to my body.  I experienced total, total despair.  In that moment, my heart cried out to the "universe", "Help me!  Help me!", though I had no awareness that I expected any answer.  I didn't know there was anyone to answer.  But a strange thing happened.  I suddenly felt a strong presence join me, and a voice said, "It's all right, I'm going to help you now."  On this plane I was standing up, leaning against a wall, but on the other plane I was on my knees, leaning forward with my head down.  I didn't even look up, I didn't question it.  I just grabbed on to the hem of his robes with both my hands, and cried, "Don't leave me!  Please don't leave me!"  He answered, "No, I won't leave you.  I'll always be with you now, and you'll never be alone again."

And he stayed.  I didn't know who he was, I didn't even ask.  I would just ask every now and then, in my fear: "Are you still there?" and I would get an answer, "Yes, I'm here," or "I'll never leave you."  Until eventually I calmed down, and stopped asking.  He must have sealed the wound, because I didn't bleed any more.  Then as the years went by, I began to forget about it.  I began to think I had imagined it.  Until nearly 20 years later, when he made his presence known again (and I got packed off to the doctor by my family for being "psychotic"!).

There is help out there.  We are protected and guided.  Let go of the fear, babe.

Well said Samson, Soul_flower, all u have to do is knock, & we all are here for u.

Samson,thanks,i know people here will help me,they always seem to make it better.And i know i can always call you or pop around,i will this week  



Tish   ,wow thats a very heart-felt story,im glad that you got thru it and all is well now.I do know that im protected and im not alone in my time of need/fear,well every day life.Ok this is going to sound weird,but its how i feel,about you saying that ur family packed you off to the doctor for being psychotic.Well how do i know it is my guides giving me a helping word or someone helping me and its not just me making it up in my head to hear what i want to hear.I always wonder,it mixes me up lol,i dont know how to explain this,but yeah    I am letting go of the fear,slowly,first im thinking more in a positive way,and i do think that will help me in the long run....



Vishwas    I do know people are all here for me if i need them,thats why i love this site,because people help eachother....I feel the love  




Thanks all  

Hi, there!

When it comes to hearing voices, what I got told was this:

If you hear the voice as if it comes from outside yourself, hike to the doctor 'cause you're schizophrenic.  If it comes from inside your head, it's spirits or higher powers!

But otherwise I guess it would depend on what they're telling you (start to worry when voices start telling you little green men are poisoning your food, or your neighbour's a demon in disguise and you'd be doing the world a favour by doing away with him!).  

I checked out the astrological relations between that lad's (man's!) chart and mine using a helpful book I got from the library, and it said: "this is a relationship based on karma, characterised by long separations".  Seems that way.

What was worse was meeting him again accidentally, many years later when it was too late, only to find out that (1) he loved me too, and said I broke his heart; (2) the woman I gave him to was anything but nice, and at one point he nearly died from multiple stab wounds inflicted by her; but (3) he would continue to stand by her as they had a child, for that child's benefit; and (4) he had become a criminal (the psychology of theft being based on "the world would not give me what I wanted, so I take").  He also didn't really believe me, and treated me rather badly until my heart closed to him altogether.  I then fell into a depression for about 12 years!  But yes, it's over now.  I live and love again.

The most curious part from a "karma" point of view is that I nearly died by bleeding from my energy self, and he nearly died by bleeding from his dense self, as a result of this complicated fiasco.   Mean something or nothing, I wonder?

What a lesson!

Hey  




Little green men poisoning my food    its ok,i dont hear any of that,but thanks.I understand what you mean,if the thoughts or voices are negative and hurtful well then thats not ur guides etc helping you.....


Wow thats a sad story but you werent to know that hey,thats why there called lessons,and your right,what a lesson to be learnt    i know life goes on etc,but that is still a sad story.I think it does mean something,even if no one or you knows what it is hmmmm.Life is so strange,they way things happen and turn out,but now that i think of it,if we didnt have lessons or things happen in our life it wouldnt be life.Someone told me that our lessons are here to make us stonger and better???? All i can say is i hope im getting thru mine lol......


Tamara :o)