I don't know what's wrong with me. I'm diagnosed with schizophrenia, but I think there could possibly be more to it. I'm not sure if it starts out biological, or it's just any sort of sickness. I find sometimes that I feel like I'm up against a cultural/institution that denies energy or even empathy as if it doesn't exist, a love-less culture of programming. More-so than that, I've been forced into it by my father since I was fifteen. I don't think that it helps he's not spiritual at all, and denies energy completely.

There's also the fact that medication seems to disrupt my ability to be spiritual. Some things I've experienced in my life seem highly spiritual. Like being sensitive and remembering being an infant up to adulthood. Lately I've been encountering one source of my issues, that medication nullifies me...basically, I've tried marijuana and it brought me a new sense of clarity. It's hard to describe, but basically it healed some of my issues. Like, I felt a calmness and noise turned down. I also felt more connected, I could communicate without struggling so much against this wave the meds induce.


But now I'm back to square one. Functioning in complete misery. Sure, I can function to an extent and I try really hard. But I've been disrupted mostly because I thought I could heal myself and resisted meds, which led to abuses like isolation and etc.

It's like this---I get a choice. I can have my mind but with an invisible source of madness, or I can continue to believe I am actually sick without knowing how to measure what exactly makes me sick. There's so much subjectivity, and I can't handle it...I'm trying not to question anymore, but this isn't what I want.

I want to die, because I can't take this torture anymore. The more I take this medicine that cuts me off from myself, the more angry I feel. But you can't do anything magical when you are forced not to believe.

It's like brainwashing...coercion into a new mind set...it is brainwashing. Medication makes me believe in nothing...but sleep. I can't wait to sleep so I can escape reality and go into a dream.

I have no creativity or motivation. I'm just tired, because I know I could overcome it. The only thing is, when I have gone off them I start feeling attacked by some kind of energetic spirit or imbalance.

It's like demozing the soul....that's what psychiatry is...demonizing what we can't understand.

I don't know what makes me crazy anymore. I'm considering dropping out of college because I can't go on anymore. I want to leave home.
I want to leave this situation. I'm feeling persecuted for being different.
I can't remember things as well on medication...

I've been told things...by people. Basically, someone in a hospital told me memories were not correct with schizophrenia, I don't believe it. Because, I remember everything. I even wrote a 60,000 word memoir. One time I pushed an exit door and people said I had been screaming, but it was a lie. I remember it. I may have raised my voice but to say I was screaming was an exaggeration. I said I wanted to leave. That I was not sick.

But if you can change a lie into the truth, these days, than proof becomes useless.

It's not even just spiritual. It's moral. I want to erase this system, before it erases me.

I will give you a big Grandpa Hug p3ntacle, you surly have a cross to carry, but there is ways to make to road easier.

Suicide is NOT one of these roads, after all it is when we are alive we have the feeling of life, and it is important that we concentrate about  making the best out of each period.

Our Brain is a strong tool, if we tell ourself that we have a lousy life, then we almost surly have a lousy life.....If we tell our brain that we live a good life, then we are stronger fit to handle those obstacles life throw at us.

Don't take me wrong, I know your struggle is far worse then the average, but because of this it is also far more important what thoughts you go around with....it is far more important that you concentrate about the positive approach....because it will give you strength.

Medicine is not something that we take easy, but for some illness it is the only way to function.

I know, because I grew up with a mother that had same kind of illness, and for around 15 years there was no good medicine to help her, so it was in and out of hospital.

Then in 1973 they found a new medicine, that slowly brought her back to life.......she hated the medicine because it slowed her down...and she tried to avoid it...which brought her back to the bottom.

When she agreed to take it regular, with our help, she improved a lot, and I think she had a fairly rich life until her death in 2002 nearly 85 years old.

So you see....medicine can be of great help....and you can have a good life....but much is up to you, together with your doc and helpers, to do the best out of your life....try to turn your thought pattern around  .....try to find the positive....it might be a bit hard in the beginning....but the more you look for it...the more easy it become to find it.....it gives you power....negativity burn your power...make life difficult.....and your illness double so hard to carry.

Another big Grandpa Hug, and all my best wishes for a better life!

Hey p3ntacle. I'm really really feeling your post. Although I am not schizophrenic, I can relate with the things that you want changed about the system. I'm completely with you there. I feel the same way you do about meds, just from listening to what people say about them, when they take them, and watching what happens to them. All that meds give you is new disorders to curb your last one. It's because science hasn't got as far as it needs to go yet. I also hate the way that the public, that includes the doctors and people who are supposed to be more knowledgeable, views things such as schizophrenia. For some reason I've always felt a strong connection with schizophrenia, perhaps because I have experienced psychosis (by smoking marijuana), though I feel like there are other reasons too. Like I'm just really entranced by consciousness and the parts of it we really do not understand in our society or culture. It really saddens me the way people speak and think about the mind and its' "disorders". I keep feeling like I should have taken psychology, but I never did because I suck at science, and at school.

It is normal to yell that you want to escape when you are feeling trapped, that is what anybody on earth who is a mentally healthy individual would do. (I say this because I have issues with authority! haha. I figure people who want to follow rules, boundaries, and ideas they strongly don't believe in, are the ones with the real issues in society).

I can also understand why your dream world would be more appealing than the physical life around you. But my belief, spiritual belief I suppose, in life is that people like us--the creative ones who have this kind of link and subjective link to consciousness and its outter limits are really meant to find ways of linking the dream to reality. Maybe that's really vague, doesn't make any sense. It's not meant to be about letting our fantasies, the ones we don't control, take presidency over the world we feel trapped in, but that we can change how trapped the world is by bringing our perspective into it.

It takes a long time of struggle, I think, before you can really heal yourself. I don't think you should give up on it, but just realize it's possible that you are going down a long and arduous path because the struggles will be necessary in the future when you are able to bring some kind of change into the world.

I think that these kinds of struggle points and barrier points where we break down and want to end it because we don't see a point to it, are the moments here to actually force us to find a way for change, even though we don't yet know how or in what way that change can possibly take form, just maybe having the idea of change in our minds is what we need to move forward and start finding a new direction of thinking.

I wish doctors had more awareness of how to help people in the situation of how meds can numb the mind and push you out of reality in a different way. The docs who prescribe these meds, unfortunately, don't understand the meds and how they work at all. Only in the way that certain parts of the meds can trigger certain parts of the brain to get rid of certain unwanted symptoms, but they don't have a sweet clue about the stuff that goes with that specific function of the meds, they can't single out processes that precisely, they can only give you strange chemicals that seem to do part of what you need, but there's no such thing as no side effects. It's kind of like children playing with fire in a way, unfortunately. But I don' think it will be this way forever. I actually wish we could bring more shamanistic practices back into our culture, the kinds of ideas where consciousness is viewed in a completely different way. It's possible our biggest problem is simply the way we view consciousness and the way we view "normal" and the way we simply will not go outside of our "boundaries" to understand the bigger picture.

These drugs are quelling your spiritual side because they've been designed by people who are spiritually repressed, in my opinion, though I know they have good intentions (well, the designers maybe, but not the distributors, they have very bad intentions).

Anyway, I feel like even though it's really friggin hard, you are capable of dealing with this. I know that you are. I know that humans are capable of these things, it's just we can't see how to forge our paths. We just have to go with our instincts.

Stay grounded, but don't lose sight of your reality either.

You're right and I appreciate the hug. Sometimes I have moments of forgetting how far I've come to overcome this illness...but I can't let over-confidence throw me off. Despite that it's annoying to have to manage a brain disorder, it's the best option.

I'm feeling better and trying not to let things get me down.

*hugs*

btw, maybe you can seek out some kind of energy healers in your area, even just to talk to them and gain new insights from different types of people. You should definitely start seeking answers outside of the regular places, and there are various spiritual types you can talk to simultaneous to trying to discover through psychiatry. There may even be spiritual psychiatrists out there you could start searching for, who may have some more advice for you. It sounds like you're probably just surrounded by a bunch of stiffs who aren't in touch with that side of their humanity, but that's just because they probably spent slightly too much time in training for their specialization. But don't worry, because even searching on the internet you will find what a growing interest the world is having in energy work and that type of spirituality.

Definitely rather than leaving the world, you should expand your knowledge of it, and expand your circle of people you have in your life. I know there are people who think more like you do in the world out there than you currently are aware of. You just have to look for them. I think we kind of have to forge our own communities in that way. And with the internet, it's become much easier to do, whereas before it might well have been near impossible.