The angel on duty at the time of birth was RAPHAEL

But job had tasted happiness I have prayed for death since I was 5...I have never had things as I have wanted them MY WHOLE LIFE HAS SUCKED

hmm things is a big subject area..

once upon a time i was materialistic ... yes me

I wanted everything that i said i wanted and i pretty much got it...

about 10 years ago i decided things were not what make me happy ... i can not expect others to help me be happy ..or i could not go buy a piece of art work or a new sofa to feel better.... but I was like that ...if i got angry ..i went furniture shoping ..the angerier i was the more i purchased ... if i was little angry ..100 dollars .... really angry ..sales ppl lined up to help me ... what i really wanted in life was to be happy ..not saying allt he time i am happy but ...i dont rely on things to make me happy or my family ..i have to make myself happy and i found out that most of the other things fall into place ..

smile ..just to be smiling ..see how many smiles u get back
Deborah

I dont mean things like cars or furniture or material I mean I never had a dad never really saw my mom she worked two jobs and the step dad I got tried to kill me and my mom so I had to shoot him..I have never been able to have a relationship with a woman..I dont know how to love..and I struggle to just be a part of society...I feel unwanted unloved and not needed here..

everyone has a story its how u finish the story ..are u going to let your childhood come into your adult life and run you? Pick your chin up ..smile just try it ... not all of us had happy childhoods ..mine would make your head spin. but am not letting it control me ..if i did too many bad people would win the game of life ..with my peg ..

my parents were 17 when they had me ..my father made it clear he wanted me to be given away...my grandmother steped in and said no such thing...she had already raised her family..and her sister in laws..and she was very poor ..she worked all the time..i was put with baby sitters and when my mom had me ..was a night mare!!!

when my mom grew up ..(ok when she pretended to grow up) she married a drug dealer... I have seen/ felt/ been through hell in my childhood...

Im not that person..... god put me through this because he knew I can become more ..and rise above ........ yea even i said god let me rest ..let me die am fed up i hate this life ...................... but no he let me live on..he gives me daily challenges in life ... daily test to see me rise above ................and when the big ship comes ..Im going to be ready for whatever my plan in life is .................
who am i where do i belong ...............hmmmm right now i belong here where i am ... what is ahead ...ill have to see ..but am darn gonna try to make the best out of it...................i do get down i do get sad ..i have the worse pms that a woman could put anyone through ...but ..each morning i wake up i watch the sun shine through my window... i thank god for the day ... ..each night .. i watch the stars twinkle ... i watch the moon shine... im thankful for these things..even they are big but so small to many ..but they bring me happiness.. .. u ever listen to a owl hoot in the middle of the night............its like a peace calling... Ben you have to find something you enjoy ..stop leaning on your past and rise above it .......... what is it that Ben expects out of life .... you cant lean on the hopes he will take you ..for whatever reason u r still here no matter how much u pray for to begone .........he has a bigger plan for you... smile take pride in who you are as a person ... learn from your childhood ..rise above ..and if u have children............learn fromt he past and dont put them through this what you have seen...its never to late to turn around .................

Deborah