How to go cow tipping
Ayleen Lindahl
Introduction
Cow tipping is an art in itself. It began many years ago, when a young boy of the name of Tipper decided to make a cow more comfortable as it slept. Thinking that standing while sleeping was cruel and unusual, he set out one night to give 'ol Betsy a rest. Tragically, Tipper fell into a thick cow pie as he tried making his way back to his warm bed. He ended up going to the hospital with a severe paranoia of cows. The next day, his family had a big steak dinner.
For generations after, Texans have engaged in this heightening activity. Young children dream of it during their algebra classes, the rites to passage so close and in their reach. As the 16th birthday approaches, all your peers will gather and perform this ritual with breathless anticipation.
Supplies
2 12-packs of Beer
Black clothing
Boots (Around cow pastures, wear boots that can be hosed down)
Wire cutters and a flashlight
Your friends Dave and Jerry
Setup
Drive Dave and Jerry to the pasture, hand them the beer.
Wait ten minutes for them to finish up both packs.
Help Dave from truck.
Help Dave review his lunch.
Place wire cutters in back pocket, and make sure all black clothing is being worn.
Quietly approach fence to pasture.
Ask Dave for the flashlight. Run back to truck and retrieve flashlight.
Cut fencing and wiggle through.
Stay hunkered down and try not to giggle as you approach the nearest cow.
Beam flashlight quickly into the cow's eyes. If no reaction, you are good to go. Skip ahead to Tipping the cow.
If cow bucks, sending Jerry screaming like a woman back to the truck, go on to next step.
Run after Jerry, tumble him to ground and hold hand over his mouth.
Wait 20 minutes for Farmer to look out the front door and Holler at wolves.
Find another cow, repeating the last 5 steps until you find one sleeping.
Tipping the cow
Have Dave hold the bottom of cow on one side. (Bottom of the cow is right under the ribs, and on the soft part of the belly.)
Have Jerry beside you, with both palms against cows upper back on opposite side. (See Figure 1)
Count to three, and PUSH!
Back up quickly from the cow, as its legs will fly up toward your face.
Slap high fives to Jerry and shout your success.
Find out what whimpering sound is.
With Jerry's help, pull Dave out from under the cow.
Run from farmer. (Duck when you hear shots in the air.)
Jump into the truck and speed away into the night.
Congratulations
You have successfully completed your training in Cow Tipping. You are closer to being a true Texan! The next step to your initiation is How to eat cow fries.
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What NOT to do while tipping a cow.
Do not wear red. Bulls are in the area.
Do not tug on the tail to check on sleeping status.
Do not make "moo" sounds. This only aggravates them.
Do not try to ride the cow like a horse.
Do not try to milk the cow.
Do not make friends with the cow. Remember, you are there to TIP the cow, not buy it a drink.
Do not dress cow up in a pink tutu. They like purple.
Do not eat a burger in front of the cow. They have feelings too!
Other suggestions
If the fence is making a buzzing sound, do not attempt to cut. If you do, you will have frizzy hair for the next few days.
If the fence is making a buzzing sound and may be electrified, do NOT attempt to relieve yourself on it. I have seen this happen. It's NOT pretty.
Make sure you bring the good truck. This is supposed to be done quietly. Do not have a truck that backfires like a rifle. Cows will awaken.
Make sure it IS a cow. If it has horns, and no udders, Back off with caution.
Remember poor Tipper. Beware of cow pies.
Recap of past lessons
How to spit chew into an empty coke bottle, while keeping the cool cowboy stance.
How to distinguish a Stetson from a children's plastic cowboy hat.
When to say "ya'll", "fixin' to", and "Yeehaw".
How to make your brand new truck look like "old faithful".
How to keep up with your past wives or husbands (Make sure to have at least four).
Click on cow to tip!
(Figure 1)
Fellow cow lovers web sites
Song of Cow tipping.
http://www.cs.umb.edu/~eugene/cow.html
The grazing spot (A few tips on cow tipping)
http://user1.stritch.edu/~tblum/cow.html
Bobs cow page, very educational.
http://www.ieatcrayons.com/
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