Hi Chris,
Your call for help was the last thing I read last night before going to bed. I did not reply then for some reasons Ill explain in a moment. I cannot read for you and will explain this also. A big kudos to you, who are strong that you have reached out and acknowledged the need for outside help.
I see that Spirt Talk, who is very much respected by myself and all has replied, My response is not to come in over the top. I support everything Spirit talk has told you. I am a full believer in balance and purpose.
I reply also because I want you to know that I see you. You are such a beautiful boy, I want to cry that you are so so beautiful and don't see this in yourself and that you don't feel this.
I did not reply right away because I simply stopped in my tracks and believe that you deserved a full focused response that I could not be confident in providing at the time.
I cannot go into a reading as such for you due to my ethical standards and respect for the professional help that you need.
No psychic, astrology, metaphysical reading of any kind should ever be given without full authorization from the doctors that are helping you to manage your condition. Energies become confused and confusing in the delivery of a reading for someone who is not adequately managed. Eg. energy may reveal a path that I may suggest for you but your condition may make this appear impossible at the time ( its not usually, but.. ) This would only add to your pain and frustration .
You ask what is wrong with you... You know what.. your dealing with a double edged sword here. You do have your conditions, but you also face now, and have lived through some extremely difficult circumstances. things that would have the most solid character cracking at the seems.
You have had to deal with your brother suicide and other difficult life challenges in your past. You are also a gay man... This is not at all a bad thing but does present some very trying emotions living in a world that is dominated by standards or rules that don't fit.
My aunty is gay, and also my young nephew who is not much older than you. I have seen what they have had to face in life.. that's a big deal be feel so alienated and frustrated at seemingly every turn.
From my own story I can also relate to the pain of loosing your brother, and having to live through the aftermath of suicide.
I lost my brother who I share a
birth date with when I was young.
My mother is bipolar. I have been there so many times..
This year, well actually a little over 12 months my daughters 16 year old boyfriend killed himself.. today in fact would have been his 17th birthday.. his twin lives.
I am also a very close friend to a lady whos son was a friend that killed himself about 16 years ago now.. I know the devastation to the survivors of suicide too well.
On this reflection. there is nothing wrong with you. Wow, it pretty normal that you would be feeling so pained.
This reply should not be about me. I only mention these things o that you can appreciate that I do feel your heartache. I am not being closed off by responding without reading for you. I choose this with love.
In fact I have to say how much I admire your courage and resilience.
The truth is a reading of such would not be able to even touch on providing you with what you think you need right now.
I guess an examination of your astrology chart may be able to give you hight days and low days n advance that may or may not help you to organize your schedule. ie job interviews etc .. but given your condition I would not be so confident that the configurations would fit so prefect, ie you may not be so intuned with the lunar cycle as someone who is not living with a condition/-phobia or clinical depression.
I am just guessing this, Im not an astrology expert myself .
I also want to address what you think a reading might be able to do for you.
A reading cannot replace professional consult or therapy, a reading cannot tell you what specific events that will occur in your future with any concrete certainty. At the end of the day you are still paining the canvas of your life story. You need to be proactive in making your story the one you want.
To do this you need to sit down with your therapist, or the doctor that diagnosed you and create a plan that includes your goals and challenge "work arounds"
You cant fight or cure conditions but you can manage them and learn skills that include acknowledging them and working with them to achieve goals. You need your professional therapist to help you with this. they can help you with complete understanding.
This may include medications and such, if you find that you are not functioning well on your medication you need to speak to your doctor who may adjust dosages or prescribe alternatives.
I now refer back to Spirt Talks reply on balance and seasons.... I suppose this whole heartily .. your had some pretty wild weather going on there.. know that there sunshine ..
Its been a cold winter and you have some toiling to do to prepare for better weather.
Your a stronger person than most I know. and more beautiful than you can comprehend. you remind me of a broken angel , I wish for you grow and see you the way I see you right now. I hate that you are feeling this. I love that I have seen something so beautiful in you.
You came asking, instead right now, I feel that you have given.
Much love to you Christopher Your awesome.
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