Life Would Be Easy if It Weren’t for Difficult People by Connie Podesta
Life Would Be Easy if It Weren’t for  Difficult People by Connie  Podesta

Go on, it’s okay. Admit  it! We all know that life would be a whole lot easier if we didn’t have to deal  with those few (or many) difficult people we just can’t seem to avoid. I think  you know who I’m talking about.

What’s not okay is to give  up something you need, want or deserve because of their rude, obnoxious,  sullen, and apathetic habits. Yes, I do mean “habits.” If you’re tired of  playing their game, take charge of your life by taking a good look at yourself!  You cannot change them, but you can change what you do and how you act around  them—and ultimately how they affect your life.

The Good  News... and the Bad News
 Difficult people have been  trained and taught to act the way they do since they were children. In fact,  they have been rewarded for their negative behavior throughout their entire  lives. Difficult behavior worked for them as children—and, more important, it  continues to work for them as adults.

I believe that most of us  are born with the capacity and desire to love and be loved. As we grow, we  learn to respond to verbal and visual cues and we begin to adjust our behavior  to obtain the positive responses we want. Children who can manipulate their  parents soon learn to enjoy feelings of power and control over others.

The game of life is  basically about “getting our needs met.” And you certainly do play a part! We  reward difficult people by giving in to their needs. Think about it. If someone’s  behavior is consistently inappropriate or unacceptable toward you, ask yourself  if in any way you are rewarding their negative behavior.

For example, Helen gets  upset every time Harry mentions that he wants to play golf. Rather than face a two-hour  lecture, he usually finds it easier to just stay home. One day, however, he  gets angry and accuses her of being a nag who never understands him. Instead of  answering back, Helen gets her feelings hurt, stomps off and gives him the  silent treatment. Harry takes advantage of her “cold shoulder” and plays a few  holes of golf!

Jennifer wins the same “reward”  at her new school. Few of the kids would talk to her and some were even making  fun of her. She asked to stay in during recess, but the teacher said no.  Eventually she gets into a fight and pushes another girl down. The teacher  tells Jennifer that fighting is against the rules and she will have to stay  inside. What did Jennifer learn? Ask the teacher respectfully and you will not  get what you want. Push someone and you can avoid recess!

We have three choices each  time we respond to another person: 1. Be positive; 2. Be negative; and 3. Avoid  or ignore them. Difficult people see avoidance as a positive response. When we  ignore unacceptable, inappropriate behavior, it will usually happen again  because our avoidance tells the difficult person that we are willing to accept  their behavior.

What do they  really want?
 Difficult people want to  do their own thing, in their own time, in their own way, without interference.  In addition, they expect everyone around them to cooperate—even work extra hard—to  ensure that this happens. And they do not see anything unreasonable about these  expectations. There is little in their experience to signal them that their  actions are inappropriate. They also have little (if any) desire or motivation  to change their habits.

What can I do  about it?
 We learn a lot from  difficult people. We tolerate their behavior and attitudes as “part of life.”  We hold back our feelings and swallow our words. We make concessions even when  we do not receive anything in return. We compromise even when it is 90/10  instead of 50/50. We may even question our own ability to relate and  communicate with others, reasoning that “Maybe it’s me.”

Since we cannot change  difficult people, we can only change ourselves and our reactions to their  behavior. They need our cooperation and our permission to intimidate, control  and repeatedly manipulate us to get their way. In most relationships, we are  treated exactly the way we allow ourselves to be treated.

The good news is that  because we are partly responsible there is something we can do to create and  maintain relationships where we are treated respectfully. That’s great news! By  focusing on ourselves and the changes we can make in our own behaviors and  reactions, we can begin to take control of how other people treat us—today!

Take Action!
 Think about two difficult  people in your life. Identify the behaviors of these difficult people. Ask  yourself if you could possibly be rewarding these difficult people.

Would they describe you as  the difficult person? If so, what would they say?