The mistakes we made in the past, especially as teenagers, are living scars on our souls...although we don't recognize those marks until we are to old to correct them...I can not forgive myself for refusing to return affection to a girl that loved me sincerely...there is no love and affection in my life for a long time...accept for my doters, but that is another type of love...and I keep thinking that somebody is punishing me for being cruel in the past...is that cruelty-not returning love because of freshness and ignorance?

I feel empty like a "Pandora's" box...how to escape "Chaos" within yourself

Deepblu,

Found that there was nowhere to run from the "Chaos" within. Only to make peace with myself over the past and take it as lessons learned.  This is still a work in progress.   Wish I knew what to say.

Hug to you.

Safe Journey

You are a perfect person, learning to do perfect, in an imperfect work..that teaches sometimes thru tough lessons.  Cut yourself some slack and forgiveness, learn to love yourself..and move forward with a positive outlook.

Deepblu,

I can tell you that you are not being punished, but you may be punishing yourself. Its a misconception that karma punishes, karma is a teacher, some lessons that we learn may not be gentle. What we do with the things we have learned is up to us, you could recoil in your own misery of the circumstances you are finding yourself in, or you could accept the knowing that has been given to you.
We are NOT perfect beings, we are not even supposed to be perfect.  
It is good that you have acknowledged a past cruelty, you cannot be "blamed" for not loving someone, but direct cruelty is something we do have to take responsibility for.
Now its time to go forward in life with new wisdom and understanding of others.