Hallo, Pageofcups!
I have also met with a few people who couldn't do without a large dose of daily divination: it can become quite compulsive. At first, I thought I could help them by teaching them how to read Tarot themselves, so they would not depend on others and sometimes have to pay for it.
But I realized the same insecurity that led them to seek so much advice made them afraid to trust their own readings. Or... they began giving themselves one reading after another in a compulsive way for hours on end and hardly got any sleep -some of these had jobs to attend to and fixed working hours, which in your case might be better at keeping you away from these things-.
In your case, I can see how your background maybe didn't help much towards building up security, but it does not mean you cannot gain it for yourself. It is never too late to learn anything, you know.
As for the computer programs that give readings, I have seen a few and talked to someone who actually programs them and they are mostly random: they are built more as a pastime than anything to rely on. And that is what you do with them: waste a lot of your precious time. I am sure you have tried to do several requests in a row on the same program and every answer was different and most had not much to do with you.
You say many of the answers you get are matches: but of course! Specially if you get so many a day. Take into account that they are worded in the widest interpretative sense, so that many can relate easily. Also, you are disregarding all those answers which apparently have nothing to do with you, which I am sure are much more numerous than the matches. And you probably do this unconsciously, since it is a function of the brain to discard all information not immediately relevant. That means that, in order to find some matches to your daily predicaments, you waste 80% of that time browsing through unrelated facts.
And then you say you feel lonely and would like to spend more time with friends. I have realized most of us end up having lives too busy to share with friends very often, which means the less occupied amongst them end up feeling neglected. But there are many who feel the same out there: have you thought about spending more time in friendly forums and less on the divination ones?
I think what you need is a big change in life, since you seem to lack motivation both in your job and in taking good care of yourself. You seem afraid to lose your present job: don't be. I have always found out every change has usually been for the best, even if it takes some time to appreciate it. If it finally happens, what about trying to find a job elsewhere? Even travel a little to get it? Even a live-in job in another state/country? I know you would feel like an uprooted tree just at the thought, but look at it another way: you would have less time and means to feed your present obsession, you would have to concentrate on getting your bearings in your new surroundings, you would be out of reach of those who now hurt you, you would be in close contact with many more people than you are now and probably more motivated in your job, specially if you can get one with real meaning, like attending to the needs of those who cannot cope by themselves.
Oh, dear, I don't know if this post helps you much, but I certainly wish you the best. Come visit us if you feel lonely. Since you have Tarot cards, why not join in our Tarot discussions in this forum? -after you have completed your daily work chores, that is: I would ask you if you are done, too!
-.
And remember we all feel adrift sometimes: you can redirect your life in a happy way, I am sure. Then come and tell us all about it.
Huge hugs!
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