This may be a long one. For quite some time I have been torn and very unwilling to admit it even to myself. I've been living with a man for about 3 or 4 years now all the while expecting to be wed some time in the future. Recently he came to me with the admission that he has no intention of doing so....ever. One of the main reasons I agreed to join him in our home at such a young age (18) was because we had an agreement that we were going to make it legit. To be frank I have been through hell, it's been an extremely difficult transition for me growing up suddenly taking on a world of responsibility and all the while clinging to my dreams and trying to become successful professionally. Many times I feel as though I have been kind of jipped, like I put myself through so much when I could have just stayed with my parents and I didn't even get what I was promised. After dwelling on it for so long It has become a significant issue. The person that I am with is really precious to me and we have no other MAJOR issues with eachother besides this. He is a very good man but I just can't get over this sense of betrayal...like he mis-led me/ outright lied. I can't decide anymore whether I am being over-dramatic or sensible. Marriage is important to me (color me old-fashioned) no matter how much I try to "get over it" for the sake of our relationship. I would appreciate any opinions or thoughts to help me put this in retrospect as this has sparked so many problems and fueled so much resentment. I don't want this to end for something petty but I don't want to deny myself what I sure as hell earned and deserve...a legitimate commitment. :( please help.

Well, it really depends how YOU feel. Some people live their whole lives happily with a partner they're not married too. What's important is: is he willing to spend the rest of his life with you? If he's willing to do so, you've really, basically, have got to decide: is marriage more important (for marriage's sake) or is he more important?

I know it sounds a bit harsh, but you've got to come to that decision: which is more important?

I'm sorry you're going through this. It's hard when you love somebody who wants something different than what you want. But commitment is all about compromise. And eventually, if you two stick together, you will both come to an agreeable position, I think.

Best of luck and much hugs!

You 'agreed' to the above.  Remember you put yourself in, and created this situation to learn valuable lessons about YOU.

Just because we want something..doesn't mean we get it.  The other person has free well.

Just because someone  is 'precious' to you, doesn't mean you stay together..it also doesn't mean you separate.   You work it our, or you don't...but you don't 'give in'.

What is your definition of commitment?  Is it marriage?  Or someone being honest with you and in a true, reciprocal partnership?

What is your 'power position'.  You know it..you feel it well up from deep within you..it resonnates so strong & clear.  I know what it isn't.  It certainly isn't 'feeling jipped', or 'feeling like you've been through hell' or playing the victim by being unable to get over a sense of betrayal.

Are you taking care of yourself?  Doing what is best for you?  (Or are you aquiescing...complying.....being obedient?)

When you answer all of these questions....the answers begin and end with "I".  "I feel this way because I........."  Not him.  He deceived me, lied to me....he's precious & sweet....  There is no blame game or hopes pinned on anyone else....It is "I"...the past is done..  "I" did not choose to remain with  my parents..but "I" now choose to do ___________________ with MY life.

Learn your lessons, and thank your teacher.  They will go hand in hand with your power  position.  What you know to be your truth.

Best wishes and hugs for a quick journey thru this lesson.

Going into an agreement of expectations is the best way to be disappointed,

You are in charge of your happiness, your emotions,
again kmomma Is right on,,

To put expectations into another human being,
Well,, Let's try not to do this anymore

We know what we expect from ourselves,,  What are your goals for your life? How do you want to get there?
All we can do is rely on ourselves,

You have given yourself the answer....the question is....are you strong enough to end it?

YOU SHOULD!

You have lived with him for 4 years  ----Four years---, and you give statement that you have been "through hell"

These 4 years should all have been glamor...happiness...and a period that collected memories, and glued you together for the next "SEVENTY YEARS"

There is very few relationship that become hotter as the years go on.
Most transfer over to mutual respect, and care for each other.
It is therefore very important that you find a partner, that not only the hormones find nice, but also your senses.

Since you have lived together for 4 years, and feel disappointed, and have no bindings, then I would end this relationship as fast as you can collect your thing.....this will open up for you the possibility to find one you can grew old with......OR ...it might make your Partner start to evaluate his own life, and maybe he feel he can change....but I would not hold my breath for it to happen.

GO GIRL...make yourself a good life....and have a big Grandpa hug  on the way