"Numerology; another aspect of myself I can hate"

There's a clue to your dilemma. Maybe you need to find aspects of yourself that you can love.


 6  5 = 11(soul urge)
LOVE = 9 (true expression)
3  4   = 7  (outer expression)

"hate" however is not an emotion but a manifestation of "fear".(Much in the same way as "care" is a manifestation of "love")
Wisdom shows that the chaos of life consists of the two states "Love" and "Fear" in a constant re-balancing of discordant and concordant energy.
This chaos is well represented in your seemingly chaotic thought processes.
You can think of "hate" as a highly specialized "fear" (or "fear" at a higher harmonic.... just like music has the same notes in different octaves)

your life path is 11/2 and all systems observe the emergence of 2 from 11 as both numbers tell the whole story.
this difficult path is that of hidden mastery and has two very different possible outcomes.
At present you're dealing with 2 (this represents the beginning of spiritual thought and the fleeting hint of awareness)
All people with this number in their charts are borne with an innate sensitivity for spiritual matters. However the innate skills we are borne with are often taken for granted and are left undeveloped as
we strive to develop skills that we find more difficult to master. Some people with a 2 lifepath will be quite happy to maintain the status quo but those with 11/2 feel a gnawing desire to develop their spiritual awareness and some do. Mastery of these skills is within your reach. You have some other interesting aspects in your chart that are worthy of note. A study of your table of inclusion shows you to be specially endowed.
I now understand your rage.

A good way to free your mind is to investigate a mental discipline like Discordian-ism (Although some would maintain that it is a mental non-discipline and they would be right and wrong but that's another story...Hail Eris)
This belief contains the theory that all people are popes even though some don't realize it.
Each ordained Pope is totally infallible and therefore never can be held responsible for anything within their realm. This may sound great but the exact size of a personal realm is mostly limited to the space and time that The Pope actually occupies but its a start. Each realm has its own sovereignty and every Pope can ordain other Popes and has the right to excommunicate, de-ex-communicate, re-ex-communicate, and de-re-ex-communicate (no backsies!)

Love your life, it's yours!
Hope this helps

Anime89
we all are God's creations , we all go through ups and downs  but life does not end there
we are to be tested under challenging conditions to  see how we will live
the most important thing of all to love one another      and to love others we must learn to love ourselves first
we should never compare our talents or  weaknesses to another's
we are all at various levels of development      so we dont have to judge ourselves according to others succeses or failure
we all are unique in our own way
you are still very young and this is a beautiful world to live
if you choose to successeed  i  am sure you will
here is a big hug and positive thaughts for you

"IF"

       If you can keep your head when all about you
       Are losing theirs and blaming it on you,
       If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you
       But make allowance for their doubting too,
       If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
       Or being lied about, don't deal in lies,
       Or being hated, don't give way to hating,
       And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise:

       If you can dream--and not make dreams your master,
       If you can think--and not make thoughts your aim;
       If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster
       And treat those two impostors just the same;
       If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken
       Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
       Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken,
       And stoop and build 'em up with worn-out tools:

       If you can make one heap of all your winnings
       And risk it all on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
       And lose, and start again at your beginnings
       And never breath a word about your loss;
       If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
       To serve your turn long after they are gone,
       And so hold on when there is nothing in you
       Except the Will which says to them: "Hold on!"

       If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
       Or walk with kings--nor lose the common touch,
       If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you;
       If all men count with you, but none too much,
       If you can fill the unforgiving minute
       With sixty seconds' worth of distance run,
       Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it,
       And--which is more--you'll be a Man, my son!

       --Rudyard Kipling

=/ I guess you can tell I was pretty pissed when I wrote that. I didn't even think anyone would pay it much heed.   Well...thanks for noticing...and thanks for the hugs.  

Your welcome.

In fact, while I'm glad that the feelings you espoused were cursory, short lived and subject to later qualification, the exercise was beneficial and positive for me as it helped me explore my own understandings.

It is a good thing to question everything always!

Insights are at best fleeting however each new insight slightly alters your overall perspective and over time refines your discernment.
I have found it helpful to study music , electronics, sub atomic theory, electromagnetic wave theory and propagation (I'm still grappling with quantum physics...but who isn't?) as well as Numerology, Astrology and Tarot cards.
It has occurred to me that they are all telling the same story at differing levels of abstraction. Quantum physics seems to link all these realms of information by busting the anomolies that have previously created the divide between different scientific disciplines and metaphysical realities.
(I almost don't believe I said that .....it sounds vaguely pompous!)

When questions trouble me, I play a game with the question.
(I found this in an old book on Magick (not magic) apparently it was a method that Count Cagliostro used for divining answers to difficult questions e.g. life expectancy, the length of a King's reign etc. )
It simply states that....
"the answer to any question lies within the question it-self!"
The method is simple,
Write out the question in its clearest form.
Remember that "only that which is asked will be answered"....so you must use a persons complete and specific title.
Cut up the sentence into its individual letters
Toss the letters in the air and notice where they land.
Randomly observe the letters and rearrange them into whatever words you can.
group the whole words and group the leftovers. this can be done numerous times.
Each group of words can be read and further grouped into phrases and even sentences. All words in a single toss can be read with the remaining letters being initials to further make sentences(as is often done in Latin)

some people can do the exercise mentally (i.e. without scissors) and still achieve amazing results.

However its best done in fun. One should never make important decisions based on the fall of the dice.
Have fun