Well I read all your advice and while D was out of town with his father and J was where he is I sat down by myself and thought about my situation.
I am always going to love J. I have him so hig on a pedestal that no one can say anything remotely bad about him to me. We are what we are and nothing is going to change that. My problem with J is that as much as I love him I'm not sure being with him is good for me emotionally. Sure the physical side of things was great. I was so happy that I had more energy, I looked after myself and my house more and I was losing weight (I'm overweight so this is a good thing). The kids are always looked after to the best of my ability so they don't facter into my new energentic life; they always get the best of me that I can give them.
But as for my emotional health I'm not so sure it's a good thing to be in a relationship with him. When I look into my future I see him but I'm not sure in what capacity.
As for D, well with him it's the opposite on the physical side.
I know both these guys love me no matter what size I am but I know that D is turned on by my curves and I get complacent when he's around. For example - the month he was away I lost 3 pounds. Since he's been back I've gained 4. But on the emotional side I find it difficult.
Sometimes he annoys me to tears. He's younger than I am and I'm very old for my age, he's very young for his despite growing up fast when I had our daughter.
I personally think I shouldn't be in a relationhip of a romantic kind with either men. They are both bad for me in points and good for me in others but I think i've burnt my bridges with the two of them and I need to find someone who can challenge me, make me laugh with them, not at them, be good for me in every way and come without baggage (which both men in my life at the moment have).
I see D on occasion when he sees our daughter and I see J on occasion when I go to see my best friend.
I will always love him, even when I'm with D I'm thinking about J, if I sleep with D (not that i'm doing that anymore) I feel like I'm betraying J.
It's messy and complicated but you have to go through the pain.
I know the difference between alone and lonely, I spend most of my time surrounded by family and feel completely alone, I think i'm adopted LOL or born too late, I don't really have anything in common with just one family member, more like snippets from each one.
But that's getting off the track.
I can be surrounded by people and feel massively alone.
I can be alone and be the most peaceful I've ever been.

I've been alone and I've been lonely and I'm sick of it. I want someone I shouldn't have and at the moment there's nothing I can do about it.

I'm ok with that, I think it'll be good for me.

Thank you all for your hugs and comments. I appreciate each one more than you know.[/b]

I do not like to give 'personal' opinions on this board, because they really don't matter one way or the other...it is just my perception, and nothing more.  But I believe you like all the drama.

Aside from that, and the over analytical part, you, deep inside KNOW what to do...it just isn't what you WANT to do.  Taking a self-imposed 'break' from both would be the most recommended.  A term only YOU decide, without telling them.  Make it one month, or 2 or 3..make no plans to see them, accept no invitations..and just 'allow' you life to unfold without them.  See where it takes you.  Release yourself from the cage you've put yourself in, and allow yourself to expand and grow in an open space, free of self-inflicted pain & drama.  It's a wonderful adventure...see where you end up, and how you've 're-created' yourself on the journey of self-discovery, without expectation of outcome.

If you decide that route, I'd be interested in hearing how it turns out..and what you discovered.

Hug Hug!