So, where do I begin?

To get to the point, I have pancreatitis. And then yesterday, I found out that I might have Crohn's disease as well and, at the age of twenty, will have to get a colonoscopy to find out.

So, yeah, I need a hug.

Also, I have this thing where I don't like sitting at home while I'm sick. I can be deathly ill and long to be anywhere else, living. I suppose it stems back from my childhood.

At the age of twelve, I had appendicitis for six months and none of the doctors could figure out what was wrong was me. Finally, a doctor decided to do exploratory surgery and discovered my appendix in an awful state. He wasn't a very skilled surgeon (as we found out) and had only ever done one other appendectomy. He never sewed me up on the inside, and my insides began leaking. I got peritonitis, blood poisoning, and kidney failure; I nearly died.

Another thing that's bothering me is the state of my social life. I'm not the type of person who has to be constantly amused, but everyone needs friends. A couple of months ago, I had to cut off two long term "friends" (I used the term loosely, because they really treated me terrible near the end) and I'm not with my former boyfriend anymore.

And it's difficult for many reasons, one important one at the moment being, I don't have the support system I once had. My ex, who is one of the nicest, sweetest people I know, has his own problems, and I can't wave a flag in front of his face that says "hey, pay attention to ME!!". I don't blame him of looking after himself before others. After all, if we don't have ourselves, how can we ever help anyone else at all?

But it's still hard, not having anyone I can reach out to in person, that can be there for me and be my friend. It's never easy having serious sicknesses, but having support and just someone to help take your mind off things, always makes it so much better.

Just saying the problem out loud makes me feel a little better about it. lol I haven't been able to tell my family, because they always throw their own problems back in my face (worrying about me being one of them).

So, thank you all for your sympathetic ears (well, possibly technically eyes and hearts).

I don't know where to start except to first say hello, and then I am so sorry to hear about your medical issues.   I am also sorry that you don't have the support system you are use to having.  I am sure you will find a lot of support here, I certainly did.  You are so young to be going through so much, I wish nothing but the best for you and I send you lots of hugs.

Hello, Mandimedea. And thank you so much for your kindness! *hugs* You're right, this is a very supportive place. Everyone here makes you feel welcome and cared about. It's nice.

If they were truly you friends they would be there for you, don't give them any energy.  I want to ask why you can't go to your family for support and why you feel you are burdening them, but then again I know what that is like.  I feel that I can get more support from strangers than from family at times.  I haven't spoken to my father in almost 6 years, so much negative energy around him and could never count on him.  I am surrounding myself with people who care about me and give positive energy.  Good luck to you.

Well, I suppose the main reason I feel as though I can't turn to my family is: I've  spent my whole life taking care of them. My parents haven't been well (she has schizophrenia and he was recently diagnosed with Parkinson's). Aside of that, they are very immature people. They kind of look up to me. It's kinda like I'm their big sister instead of their daughter. I have two younger sisters (one is only 18 months old), and a nephew who's turning a year old this week. I can't very well turn to them, because they're all so young (two of them are VERY young). So, it wouldn't really be fair on them. My grandmothers are mature and they love me, but they don't exactly understand my feelings about wanting friends and feeling alone. They come from a generation where people just gritted their teeth and did their duty. No questions asked and you definitely don't complain.

Long story short, I have a good family that loves me. And their love is a great comfort, but I can't open up to them, because I'm the one they look up to and depend on.