Kinda in  a zone.  Athough I do not regret my first marriage, there is so much darkness that surounded it.

A man whom I feared greatly.  The need to control, the things he could do.   Bound by a link.  Unable to severe.  Well folks, it was severed.

I have moved on with my life, and the only thing that we have is a child. This he still uses to try to get to me. Although I did love him, and learned a great deal from our time together.  He was ...something I wish I could talk about but cannot.  I don't think anyone knew, I hid it well.  Besides Virgo, and Scorpio.  My best friends from HS.  They knew.  I was scared out of my mind.  He always said that I would loose her.  Having even hidden my religious studies from my child due to this fear. Until this year.
But I still worry.

Having watched mom loose all custody of the children.  Not only abuse but for the ritualistic alligations reguarding my younger sibling.  It kinda did something inside.  I have to watch everything that is being said and done. And this my friends is why I have stopped practicing.  For the love of my child.

So I am taking a step forward, finding more courage to do the right thing.  Having given him nothing he could use me in the court of law.  Keeping a tight record of everything. Phone records, emails, reciepts, etc.  And I still fear a little.  With my other children I can be free spirited and be totally open in my teachings.  The X factor is a bit frustrating.

I need a hug, and some encouragement from others who may have to live their lives in hidding due to fear of lossing their children.  When we are unable to be true to our children due to religious bias.  Sterotype, all non Christians worship Satan kind of thing.  I don't know what I am, since I love all religions, and only seek the truth.  I love all people and cultures, and wish for us all to grow in spirit.  Haven't found a one religion.  So I study them all.  

Okay I am done pouring out my heart.  Just kinda bummed out.

Safe Journey

Came back to add, that although I have hidden the studies all this time, I did find ways to work it in for them.  Now I have become a little more braver in my choice of words. A bit scarey but it feels so liberating!!  And her reaction to it... Oh that is sooo COOL! Can I be a witch too mom?  Show me how!!! lol I am not a witch, why does everyone think that?  

It was brought to my attention that I was not clear in my post. My appologies, and I will try now to make this a bit more clear.

My eldest daughter is from my first marriage.  We had seperated and divorced.  My partner and I have 2 going on 3 children together. Due to my experience with the custody battle I am not going to remarry.  

I have all these years kept hidden some of my gifts from my eldest daughter due to fear of loosing her.  I really didn't talk about what I studied with her due to this fear of being labeled a Satanist like mom.  Which mom was not a Satanist!  She was just a loon who was abusive.  Those were lies constructed by her family to sway the court to have all rights reliquised.  When I started to study the occult they started to flip out and had my butt committed.  Told if I didn't take those meds he said that he would send me to the state hospital where they could keep me indefinately.  I did as I was told and was released.  Then having  the courage to get other professional opinions I was found to be misdiagnosed.  All I had was PSTD.  Post Tramatic Stress Disorder. But the damage was done, my brain is a bit fried.     Could be another reason why I am kinda still afraid to talk openly about it.  Just don't want to loose my daughter.  So it took alot of courage to start to open up with her.  

hmmm. already starting to feel a little bit better now.

Safe Journey

hey Crow,

It seems that you were stuck with someone who was psychologically abusive and very convincing. I can imagine how that feels... its really tough to go into hiding and at times you feel so frustrated and angry. I'll drop you an PM and feel free to talk. We are almost the same age and we have one big similarity;-)

Take care

Harvina,

It is complex.  The hoop jumping has started. Just when I thought we found peace, it begins yet again.  Frustrating, so frustrating.  Trying to spare my child of this. Trying to break free, and be who I am, and show her my gifts to help her grow.  She's like me in so many ways.  Heart was torn, do I?  Fear. Speaking out or not following his rules means that battle in court again.  Courage, the lesson I am needing to learn this time in my life. Torn because I love him and believe everyone can change.  Confussed since I am trying to move forward, thinking we were doing that then the leash comes out again.  I stood my ground with kindness and love.  He is up to something again.  I did not complie to the exact terms set for me.  Now we play the waiting game.  I am ready though, as I keep strict records.  But I do love him. Still mixed up inside, since I do not regret those years, in everything I believe there is a reason, a lesson to be learned.  I do not feel comfortable saying negative things about him.  In this I am still confussed.  I made the mistake of getting married.  Now our daughter has to pay the price.  In that I feel so much guilt.  You nailed in on the head with him.   For years I heard how he was the better parent, I believed it.  For years I heard that it was my fault the marriage ended, that I broke the family, I believed that too.  Lifting you up tearing you down, it didn't start like that.  And only when he thought that I was outgrowing him would it happen.  Slowly I lost my confidence. Then my womanhood.  Then everything else, yet I still believe he can change.  I forgive him. Now how messed up in the head am I?  I know this is wrong, I know I shouldn't feel that way.  But I do.  Thinking I need to get my butt back into counciling.  Been years, but the things I learned really helped me.  This is a bit bigger than me.  And when you throw in spiritual, wow how would this be recieved?  So I am babbling again, rambling and babbling. Did I talk your ear off yet?  Sorry, just unloading some more.  This site has helped me come out of my shell.  First I tested the waters here, and then I figured why not the real world. lol. Maybe I can finally break free.  Thank you for taking the time to write.  I don't have much support here in this.  But I hope to find a support group soon, now that I see how much I am needing this. It felt good to get this message and others from people through PM.  I didn't realize how much I needed that love right now.  Thank you and a big hug to you!

Safe Journey

You have been through so much.  I know from experience it helps to talk things out.  It is a shame you have to hide who you are for fear of the court system.  I have seen people abuse the system to suit their needs. All the best for you and your children.