i have no idea whats going inside of me.
for a few weeks i was filled with so much hope and now i am lost within myself.
i gotten drunk a couple of times in the past week to the point i black out everything, and i know its not healthy but that's the best times for me to let things out
i seem to piss people off more then anything as of lately.
i feel like i am losing.
i been in this puddle for already 7 months since my ex and i broke up.
i don't know what to do anymore
i feel like everyday is just a eat sleep repeat never ending cycle
i was doing so good and then boom i don't know what happened.
i know there is alot of work to be done within me
but i just don't know
i am starting to look at life through the eyes of "the cup is half empty" again.
i am starting to lose my insight on reading the tarot.
i feel like i am on standby.
i need some seeds of hope.

Hi, Lotusdew,

From your  post, I get the impression that you have been through periods like this before.  If that's true, then one thing that might be able to help a little is that these things tend to run in cycles.  Things can seem unbearable and hopeless for a while, and then they somehow seem to get better on their own.

But 7 months is a long time to feel that despair, and if it's driving you to drink to the point of blacking out it's time to find the strength within yourself to find a way out (alcohol also contributes to depression, and the mere fact that you drank like that can make you feel bad about yourself as well because, as you say, it's not healthy).  The strength is there, but I know very well that it can be hard to find.

It can be devastating when a relationship ends--we've all been there.  Maybe you feel that you'll never find love again, or that there's something about you that made the relationship fail.  But I'm sure that, somewhere inside of yourself, you know that's not the case.  And it's so easy to tie your self-esteem to someone else's feelings for you.  But by doing that you can make yourself so helpless--you allow your strength and your ability to love yourself and your life be controlled by another person, rather than the person who knows you best--yourself.

Do you have other people around who can help you?  Are there things that have helped in the past?  Is there any possibility of seeking some kind of counseling to help you get out of your depression so that you can get back to being happy?  (If you're finding that you're having thoughts of doing harm to yourself, it's REALLY important to get that kind of help.  But even if your feelings are leading you to binge drinking--which is harmful and can be very dangerous--counseling would probably be a good idea.)

As I said, we've all been there, and of course it's easy for someone who's not in your shoes to give advice.  But you do have it within yourself to get better and not let things become worse.  It's good that you reached out here, and you should feel free to write again.  But it may be time to get some professional help too.  It doesn't mean that there's anything "wrong" with you.  But sometimes you need some help just finding your own strength again.

Things will get better.  I wish you all the best.

Doe

Hi Lotusdew,
yes i agree with Doe it's time you must seek some professional help ........and remember life doesnot end with a relationship

A big hug and lots of positive energy for you.

I felt a connection to your request for a hug, when I read your post I am sharing my feelings here with you. I felt your problems lay in your difficulty of letting go of the past and not wanting change to take place, your feeling defeated before you start your recovery, so any help offered is been snapped at. As it is now, When you leave your anger/emotions in the past, you start put your life back together, only to have your emotions re-surfacing again, life goes on and with it brings change, I can sympathise with you on this, To move on we must first forgive ourselves for anything we feel may have been our fault, this will bring about self love, you must see the good in yourself to move on and become strong, This will give you the power back to make decisions that will help you move forward in your life. Although heart broken this experience can be learned from you will have become wiser, you will be able to push yourself into new thing you thought you were incapable of accomplishing on your own, giving you courage to move on and let go of all those that hold you back.
The thing you can not change are the building block of life they build up and fall again but never completely we always have something left to build on, Love your self for who and what you are, then you to can have this emotional break through to bring back joy in your life, seven months is a long time to be feeling the way you have, Know is the time to find the courage needed for that final internal battle to break the cycle of despair, Prove to yourself your worth more
                                                                       Blessings Decia

thank you.
from the bottom of my heart.