Well, everything seems to be falling apart again. On the upside, it has restored my interest in spirituality. Bad things seem to pile up, then explode. Everything is tense at home (I live with my ex bf/best friend and his mother), things get better.. And something bad happens. It builds up, I break down, and the cycle happens over and over. I'm fairly certain that the last meltdown was it for my ex and I. According to him, I'm back at 'Stage 0'.

I find it sad that he lets his opinions of me be skewed by people who want nothing more than to get me out of his life so they can 'have' or influence him, to the point of not caring that my last breakdown was due to being raped on the Fourth of July. SOmeone I thought was a friend said some very callous things while out one night, pretty much blaming me for it happening. Said it didn't matter that I was strong enough to get away, what matter was that I was so weak that it even happened. It's not the first time I've been raped. No matter that a drug was put in my drink, just that I let it happen.

I held on most of the night, and I didn't crack until we got home.

All that matters to him is that I broke down again.

I can understand his stress level, and I love him for his patience, but.. There are somethings that should be forgiven. The worst time (which resulted in our breakup) was a nervous breakdown I had after a miscarriage. I didn't know untl after it happened that what had happened to me was a miscarriage, and the cause of the breakdown. Again, it didn't really matter.

I know I'm ranting, but.

It's getting to be too much.

I can't ask him for a hug (he'd give me one, but probablly hate it. Or at least pretend to), so I'm asking for one here.

Anyone have a spare hug for me?

Take care of you!!

Big Hug to you!!  Just curious to know if you were in a support group yet for other women who went through this.  There are many hugs and loves to be shared.  Even friends and family who never been there may say things they don't understand may trigger.  There are also groups on line if you feel better at a distance so you don't have to open up to a stranger face to face about it.  Sometimes it might help just to read their stories without sharing.  Just to validate your feelings.  That there are people who get you, and understand this event.  I'm sorry that you cannot have this where you are at and are feeling lonely.  So a big energy hug to you.

Healing to you and lots of hugs.All will be fine.Maybe this cycle is urging you to learn some lessons.Try figuring it out.

I know living with an ex at the best of times is stressful...I did it for a very long time and still now having to put myself back together....Heal and love myself like i used to...Have nothing but hate for who i am at the moment....There is more to it...But what im trying to say is i know how you feel about that part of it.....Im sorry to hear what happened with the miscarriage and being raped,my heart goes out to you.....Must have been difficult times for you and having people around who dont show much support or understanding is worse....But you are strong and you can pull things back up again....Try to stay positive and have something that helps you smile and be happy.....When people are hurting they say and do mean things and thats probably the case with your ex,he has his own demons to deal with.....Thats what i kept being told when going thru my aweful time and it made sense to me....Once this storm is over there will be plenty of sunshine for you.....*Huggles* and my love going to you,also some healing energy.