I wonder why I am told that I need to love myself. Why I have little to no self-confidence. This is not the first time I have heard this.  I want to defend myself and plead not guilty.  Maybe I don't love myself, but I don't think Im all that bad either.  I like being around people and they like me.  Id like to think Im funny and get people to smile. But when I am alone with myself, I am not the best company for me to be around. I see sadness in my eyes now. The sparkle isn't there. I have such a big heart, and it is so hard to be still, I am so afraid of being hurt, that I don't realize Im the one who is causing myself such pain. The little child inside me is so sensitive and afraid. No safe place to rest.  I know my current relationship has ripped me apart, I want so much to be able to relax and rest. I want to feel safe.  I love Tom so much. I also know that If we are going to make this work then there are a lot of things that I need to accept about the way Tom loves.  I almost feel as if I have some curse of some kind that prevents me from ever being content and happy in love. I have so much work to do on myself, I don't know where to start, and I don't know if I can mend what is broken.  I am a mess.  I will begin today to find myself, and try to put me back together again.  I want to stop this crazy cycle and feel whole.
Im also falling a sleep as im writing this, so I hope it is making sense. Thank you again and I welcome any support, advice, and recommendations.

Well....maybe you aren't understanding what it means to have self-confidence, or we are thinking on it as diffrent

In my mind it is : When you are sure of yourself and your own value you will not :

1) Be afraid of rejection because you know your own worth...a rejection will still hurt but you will not avoid them.
2) You won't be needing kudos all the time, it's still nice to get, but you are satisfying in your own worth and if you don't develop egoism you will beam this outwards and you will get more kudos then today.
3) You will not need to use stimuli to feel good, stimuli always lure us to have pink dreams but in reality it destroy us.
4) Your self-security will grow...you will also beam this outwards and you will be more popular then today, people love to be around secure persons...it might stick to them too
5) You overall feeling of being hurt will be reduced because you know who you are, you know you have done your best and it don't matter that much that people don't understand you......

We can go on and on......but I think your first option should be to realise and maybe agree that this is something you should work on...since others have given the same advice.
Always have in mind...It has no value for me or other that you do it...it has value only for one person in the start..YOU....then it will become a benefit for your surroundings.

Another Big Grandpa hug and a big smile

It's Sunday today.

Thank you so much for that check list. I going to copy and paste it into my journal. Also print it and be sure to place it on the inside of my closet door so I look at it every day.  I am glad that you are here.  Hugs!

Rhutobello--- what is the meaning behind such a strong name as this?

Yea the name is strong but maybe in another sense then you first believe

Way back when I first started to surf the net it was popular to have a screen name....and I had to make mine.

I pondered on it for a while, then it hit me....why not make a name that I had to make "proud"

I took my wifes name Ruth....but this is very common so I moved the h to make it more exciting
Then from my little knowledge in Italian I knew Bello was nice or beautiful and put that on.

So when I now surf around as Rhutobello I know I have a beautiful wife sitting behind me....and I always try to give it positive impulses

I heard from an Italian member that the name also can mean : A beautiful fart....and sometimes that can be true too

Always try to fight your life's down time with some black humor about yourself.....it works for me