I need someone to talk to and I am too scared to go to my family about it. Number one, my dad commited suicide so it's a really touchy subject and they always yell at me for bringing it up if I come close to it. Two, they just don't understand what I'm going through and not much can help them understand. All they say is I feel sorry for myself and I should get over myself. I wanted to go to my friends about it but I have none anymore, I drove them all away from depression and none of them want to make up. I have one but she moved away and has told me if I need to talk I can but I just find it hard to do it.

I just don't see the point in going on anymore. They say everyone has a life purpose but what is the point to mine? I can't find it. I think the first eight years of my life were happy, except when I was six and my dad killed himself. But at that age I didn't know much about how he died and I was over it soon, I missed him but I didn't fall into deep depression or anything, I still had friends and my older sister to play with. I did ok in school. It was about the age of eight when I started getting made fun of that I got depressed. I was made fun of from the age of eight to now basically. When I was little it was because I was shy and the other kids thought that was strange. Then in the seventh grade until now it's been because of the way I look. I am not a good looking person at all. I've tried to accept this fact because there isn't anything I can do about it and so I just want to get on with my life but I can't because people won't leave me alone about it. It's harder because my older sister has a different father than me turned out to be so beautiful she could be a model so people think that it's funny that I am so ugly and she is so beautiful.

A lot of the times I walk down the streets people yell out rude stuff about my appearance, they call me a dog, they ask if it hurts to be ugly, I get dirty looks by people I don't even know. The ones who do know me make a noise of disgust when they see me. I try to wear my hair up, wear makeup, anything to improve my appearance but it doesn't help. In High School I got so depressed that I gained a lot of weight which I've finally finished losing, I was 168 and now I'm down to 130. I could still lose weight but I am an emotional eater so lately because things have gotten worse all I've been doing is eating even though I know I'll just gain weight again and so I try to stop myself but I always seem to go for food anyway.

Ever since I drive people away from me I have been so lonely. I never wanted it to be this way but it has happened. I don't there is anyway of making up, I've done to many terrible things to them, I've apologised so many times that now to them it just seems like empty apologies and empty promises. They can only give me so many chances and they gave me enough. Then there are the people who think I'm a loser because of the way I look and the ones who remember making fun of me from High School, so it's hard to make new friends. I live in a small town where everyone knows everyone and I think it's beyond help to make new friends here. I'd move but my job is here and the only place I could move to is the city but it's too expensive to live on your own there.

So every single night I sit at home by myself trying to make new friends on the internet but it seems I can't even do that right. No one wants me. The only love I have is from my two cats. I can't stand this lonliness any longer, I don't even think a therapy could help me at this point. Sure I could talk to someone about my feelings but at night I will still be coming home to an empty apartment doing nothing, being lost in my thoughts that often turn to suicidal ones. The only people I talk to are people from work and my sister and her boyfriend. They live in the same apartment building as me but even they get sick of me because they want their own lives.

I've never had a boyfriend, never been kissed, never even held hands with a guy. At this point because I am the ugliest girl in the world I doubt I ever will. I am twenty-one years old and the thought that twelve year olds have more experience than me is awful.

I've been depressed since I was twelve, I've heard things get better but how can they after nine years of depression? How can they when I am in this situation and no one wants anything to do with me? What's the point in going on when I've never truly been happy? I know it's selfish, especially after my dad killed himself and the family went through hell but I can't go on anymore. I don't want to. I hate myself, I wish I could be pretty. I wish I didn't have to have these thoughts but lonliness does that to you. When you have nothing but depressed thoughts going through your mind it will turn you paranoid. So why go on? I see nothing at the end of the rainbow. i have no talents to get me through it, nothing. I get to the point I don't feel like cleaning my apartment but I do, but why clean it? No one is going to come. Most days I just spend it in my room reading, or writing a story. I love writing, it takes me into a world where I am no longer me but some other character who is happy with there life.

Hi hopefulgirl86 stop right there.
there are lots of kids that get picked on at school and in a small place i can see how this would Carrie on after school if your attitude doesn't change, before any one else can love you, you must love your self, by loving your self first people wont pick up doom and gloom when around you, but will want to be around you if only to feel good they will be around for your personality and strength of character ,they dont stay away because of your looks that's only skin deep and people can see past looks when they get older if you let them try to put the past behind you love your self and you will draw people in like a magnet, i can see how your father killing him self would effect the way you feel and make you depressed, you feel you have lost his love and nobody as explained why he did what he did but if only for your father pull your self together dont even think of finishing things like him

I'm sorry if this sounds blunt but you must snap out of the way you are thinking beauty is only skin deep its what in side that counts so love your self first and things will change for you

What about the people who don't even know me that make fun of me? I don't show any bad attitude towards them, I'm just walking innocently to the store. I wasn't always all doom and gloom, I used to be an extremely happy person that brought smiles to peoples faces except the ones who didn't like me because of my looks. If you are walking down the street and someone barks at you from their car how would you feel good about yourself? I doubt they can read my mind and see that I'm depressed.

A Big Grandpa hug to you hopefulgirl86.

It's very hard when we start to feel lonely and get the impression that none want us.
I am aware that our thoughts and mind can be hard to us and make our life miserable.

In order for you to better your life, you need start working on yourself, your self respect and your self value.
There is no person who are "ugly" if the person inside shine.
You have to develop yourself so that your negative and cold thoughts aren't those who are projected outwards, but more warm and security.

I think you both shall start with meditation and at the start also counselling  to get the process going.
You must suppress any thought about suicide, it's easy to become a glories thought and bring you no where, it's life that gives meaning...but you have to work a bit harder then most to get it to function.

Try to put up small expectation, and also small goals for your progress, then your win will be more fun and easier to put up the next.

Never go around and and think bad about yourself....love yourself...but in a good way..... Look in the mirror and say I am beautiful and it comes from inside.

When you talk to your friends...try to stay positive...don't complain over life....this is negative talk that burn your friends energies and that is why they start to avoid you.

Use this forum to practise your positive behaviour if you haven't anyone to talk to, the main thing for you is to get out of the bad spiral who goes downward and over to a new one that point upwards.

Another big Grandpa hug and good luck to you!!

hopefulgirl86....Here is a BIG ((((((((((((HUG)))))))))))))) from me right to you!!

First of all chrisdee is right....loving yourself MUST come first!
I see in your writing that you feel hopeless but I sense that you still have the "spark" and what does a spark mean? It's LIGHT my friend!!! LIGHT....it is there Look deep inside and there you will find it
Also I get the sense that you actively "seek out" these people who you say don't like you or accept you....meaning it's not ALL truth...you have your self "convinced" that nobody likes you. Darkness also brings with it deception.
I can tell you as chrisdee said people are attracted to light not darkness... a smile not a frown...confidence not self destruction...these things can all be seen by others! The way you feel about yourself is projected in the way you dress, walk, talk, and live. It's all out there...everyone knows you are miserable and therefore react to your misery.
Things will get better once you find that spark...it will soon turn to a torch and light the darkened pathway to better things for you...
Think of the song...
This little light of mine...I'm gonna let it shine...let it shine, let it shine, let it SHINE
Think of the warmth of the sun...the beauty of the stars....the awe of the oceans...the sweetness of a newborn babies cries.
There is beauty in EVERYTHING created ...that's right...YOU too!
Since you enjoy writing...get out your note pad and write all the things you like and why you like them...
Make it pretty by adding color or adornments and hang it where you can see it often

Here is another big (((((((((((((HUG))))))))))) to remind you EVERYTHING created is beautiful!