I need to vent, and if I ramble I m sorry, when I introduced my self I stated I was single, well in my mind I am but according to the guy that has been here for about 7 years, well he begs to differ.
I say that I am not married due to the fact when we got married his dad married  us, anyway he was still married, I found out through a certified package which contained a divorce package from her, well you can imagine how I felt and how i  felt towards him and his family come on now an ordained minister marring us knowing darn well his son was still married, how twisted is that? Anyway, that is not what I am writting about that took place 5,6 years ago.
Its me, I feel like a big complete failure, settling for just  what ever knowing that I am not happy, I haven't been happy in so many years, I cry all the time, like I am now I live in California, only been here for about a year and a half, came out here to visit my sister and get away from the drugs that i had been doing since I was 17, yea i know you guys  probably think I am just ate up.  Well I am not, I am lonely, like a freaking lost  soul just existing doing their everyday things that everyone does, I decided to stay cause I got a job  after being here 2 weeks and managed to stay clean, I like my job, my boss is like no other he's the bomb and so is his wife. Yet, I am never happy when someone my ? we will call him G tries todo nice things for me I still am never happy their is always something wrong.  
I have been told by more than one person that I have a curse on me, a generation curse, due to my grandfather who was evil and into black magic.  Could this actually be possible.  Another pattern in my life is that every guy that I am with well so far 3,  it starts out normal they are normal working men that don't do drugs, then after they hook up with me it is like they end up loosing or quitting their jobs good jobs one worked for the phone company  25 yrs, got with me started doing drugs, had never hit a women till he hit me, and lost his job, alright then times after that, I realized my pattern and decided I would go for someone the oppsite of what I had been with,  found one divorced, nice home had a regular routine with his 2 kids out to dinner on tuesday and the movie theater on friday they stayed the weekends so it was church on sunday then out to eat then back to their mom. he was really soft spoken never cursed which I do bad, and was self employed with his dad. I'll be damn if I wasn't with him not even a year when it started happening to him started doing drugs behind my back he knew I did but I wouldn't do it infront of him, anyway started missing work, till his dad told him to take a permenant vacation so lost his self employed job, and ended up hurting me worse than any man I had ever been with, he attacked me in broad daylight on a public street ran up from behind me and flipped me over him and head butted me 7 times in the face, on the third one broke my nose and broke 28 bones on the left hand side of my face, needless to say he went to jail but his dad got him out the same night and then went to visit me, just to threaten me if his son did anytime in jail he would kill  me and my son whom was 14 at the time.  Nothing happened to his son , d.a. took it over but they got away with it cause they have alot of money. sorry for rambling anyway its like I make even the good go bad, I have been hardened by all this in my life, lost my mom  and dad and three brothers within 7 years that  really got me started on the drug thing.  When I do drugs it is the only thing that seems to make me kinda normal tolerable towards people and not such a reacluce.  
Please can someone enlighten me on the generation curse thing? and send me a big hug please.  Thank you for letting me vent. I kinda feel a bit better.

You could definitely use a big hug!!! I don't know too much about curses, but I too believe that karma or something keeps jumping up in our life too. I hope things get better for you soon! There are some really great people here on this site, I am sure we are pulling for you!

thank you so very much

Sounds like you have a few issues to work through there and you haven't quite found yourself yet.  Drugs are pretty harmful and change our brain chemistry in ways you can't imagine and permanently.

You need to learn to love and respect yourself.  Once you do that then the world will stop picking on you.

I don't know much about curses etc but i do know about human nature.

A very large hug from me and some love too.

Take Care

Suzi

You are very welcome! I have my own fair share of troubles with depression, anger, and drugs. It's hard dealing with it all when there isn't many that you can share with! I am trying to get back to the right path again. I am sending you a load loving light!!