Hope you don't mind but to me you're already Marsh...honey  pick your chin up and realize that none of these things are your fault...well, other than the drug use...we are the ones who pick that escape route and we are the only ones who can change that. I just know how easy it is to believe that bad things happen to us because we somehow deserve them. WE DO NOT!!!! And Rhutobello is 100% correct. You are not a failure. The only way you could even come close to failing would be to stop trying. You have been through alot with the men in your life and if you are feeling what I think you are, you're thinking you are changing those men. No way, sister. They possessed the capacity for abuse and other horrible actions well before they met you. Those tendencies were already rooted in them. They also already had the capability to make their own choices. They are responsible for their actions; you are not. You, however, are responsible for your own. If they didn't want to do drugs, they would not...even knowing you were. Don't take that responsibility on yourself. You have the capability of making that same choice. I know the drugs are a handy crutch and a way to numb the feelings. They can be seen as the only way of escape or coping, when we're trying to justify. My hope for you is that you realize that you deserve a happy life and that you don't have to rely on chemicals to cope. The drug use is just added baggage you don't need. Please realize that I am not preaching to you...no way, no how. This is as much for me as you...I have to remind myself all the time. Man, how easy it is to encourage someone else. Just as easy as it is for us to beat ourselves up over choices we make and even over things we have no control over. Keep on keepin on hun. You are getting numerous hugs from this girl because I know you need them and I need to give them to you. I know a little about settling, myself. Try to realize this, sweetie...we settle because we don't believe we deserve anything better and we punish ourselves.for what we see as our mistakes and weaknesses.  The hardest lesson I ever learned was that no matter what shortcomings I thought I had and no matter how many horrible mistakes I made, I deserved to be happy. And I had to find that happiness within myself. No man, no matter how wonderful, horrible, caring, whatever ...no man can ever do that for us. They can certainly enhance and enrich our lives, but we have to be happy with who we are first. You deserve to lead a healthy and happy life. I hope that you learn that for yourself soon and gain the sense of self-worth that comes with it. The things you said hit home because you remind me so much of me. And I am still working all this out. More hugs and tons of love to you hun. If I have not totally alienated or offended you, I would be proud if you would consider me a sounding board if you ever need to just talk to someone or vent somemore. If we don't we'll explode. Certainly don't want that.

I wanted to thank you. In your reaching out, you also reached me. I know it's true when you say it's easy to encourage others, but it is often hard to take your own encouragement. I am at that place in my life. I am a volunteer coach for our community's youth football/cheer association. I try to encourage my girls to shine no matter what. The general consensus is that our team is the misfits. That may be, but I try to get the girls to believe in themselves. I am the one that needs to believe in that probably more than they do. I am currently in a rehab program that helps alot, but I still beat myself up alot for letting my life get so off my chosen path. I have lost alot, put my family through more than they should have had to deal with, and made many choices that were so whacked that even I am shocked. But I am trying to go on. I realize that we all make mistakes, it's what we choose to do with that knowledge. We can choose to stay in the rut, or make the changes needed in our lives. I    needed to hear that the struggle, although hard, can be overcome. I will be alright, I will continue to fight to stay off the drugs, and I will find other ways to deal with my stresses and anxieties and the anger. My biggest goal at the moment is to become my own best friend and biggest supporter!
Thanks again!

here i am feeling sorry for myself for not giving in and settling for a relationship i do'nt want. and you have given into relationships you dont want and are feeling miserable about that.

i guess we both need to love ourselves and enjoy who we are as people. we are loveable and deserve happiness. I guess being patient and working on the things that we deem true problem areas of our lifes can help. i know i had a spiritual bath a few months ago and it did wonders for me. i think i'm going to go get another one, i usually feel really relaxed and calm after those.

I would love to offer a HUGE HUG of understanding, consideration, and love.

because You Are Loved.

Seems to me you have already taken the first step to start changing your life around. Being drawn here, registering and being so open and honest with this community can only help in the healing process.

As Grandpa said, you are not a failure just some of your choices have been a bit left field. Accept and absorb all the positive energy that is being sent your way and visit here regularly to vent or ask for hugs or anything else you need. Everyone here has HUGE amounts of love that they give freely, all you have to do is accept it.

It is hard to be positive all the time but the effort you put into it will return to you 3 fold until eventually it will be second nature to you. You can turn your life around and start loving yourself as you deserve. Don't ever feel you can't accept the love because you think you aren't "good enough" YOU ARE GOOD ENOUGH...

Please accept this huge {{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{HUG}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}} and all those that have been given before and those that will follow. We are behind you all the way.