I am new to this site but feel the need to whine a little. My 30 year old dauhgter has messed up so many times in relationships and her life and she always needs a place to stay to "get back on her feet". The only problem is she seems to get back on her feet with a good job and place to live then after she moves out it all falls apart. I don't want to be her mother for the rest of her life and take care of her, I'm already taking care of my 75 year old mother who is in failing health and frail. Along with my daughter I will be taking care of her dog. My fiance and I both told her we couldn't take the dog and would board him until she finds a job and place to live. She cried so we relented and are allowing the dog. I am at a lose. Am I doing the right thing with her? She's 30 and will be 31 on Oct first. Her brother isn't as bad as she is. He has a good job and takes care of his wife and son. He lives in another town and has a really nice house. My daughter, on the other hand, has had several roommates who have kicked her out because she will not work or pay any bills. Now my daughter is working as an in home day care provider trying to start her own day care business, the only problem is she only wants one kid. And she is not really good with kids. She dominates them with threats.
And that's not all of it, but I won't go into all of it here. If anyone out there can please toss me their two cents worth I would gladly appreciate it. I am lost as to what to do.
Thanks in advance.
Blessings,
Lady Astrael

Hi i'm new to this site also. Sorry to hear about yr daughter, i know how you feel always being there for people and letting them distrub yr peace. I would definatly set hugh boundaries with her and let her know that she has to help you in taking care of yr mother while she's with you and do whatever she has to to make it easier on you not harder. Give her some other suggestions on a trade/career to learn something that she wants to do and not has to do, if she likes the night life then maybe bartending, or if she likes the fun life then how about card dealing at a casino, if she likes driving then how about limo driving. She sounds like she needs help in finding herself and what she really want's to do in life so she can make a decent living that she'll stay with and be stable, have her take a test to find out what she'll be good at that matches her personality ie working on a cruise ship, being a travel agent or something in the travel industry then atleast she'll get to travel for free so even if she's still staying with you you won't have to see her as much. Hey at least she does'nt have a house full of kids comming with her, i hope. Don't fell bad about helping her because yr going to be blessed for it, the universe always gives you back what you give to it. Give her sometime but make sure she uses it wisley in investing in herself so it can eventually pay off but try to be stern, i know you have alot on yr plate just make sure that if you have to let her go then you've done all you could with her situation so if/when that time comes then you'll have a clear councious and you can sleep at night. We all need someone so i do feel for her too, i know it's hard on her moving all the time and not having any direction especially at her age but as a family if everyone comes together and do there part then it will get easier soon so hang in there and i'm sending you a hugh hug - both of you. Hope all goes well peace...

Hi Astrael

You sure do need a hug! (((HUG)))  I am a Mom too... what a dilemma! You don't want to turn your children away, especially when they in trouble.  I don't blame you for taking her in... again and and again.  I certainly can't fault you for your feelings of frustration either. I can only guess what the other things are that you refer too. I imagine it is not a good habit that is making her this irresponsible. Would a rehab type environment be better for her? If she is not addicted to something ie: drugs, booze, gambling, ...shopping even, then maybe there is something *wrong with her.  Just because she is thirty doesn't necessarily mean that she is thirty in maturity.

Your daughter needs help... probably more than you can give her... she needs a professional person to help her figure out to how to help herself.

I say this because a friend of mine has a son who was much the same way, unable to comprehend responsibilty. He was a big guy, and it was assumed he should act like a man... pull up his pants... get a job, even shower without being told to.  When he was in his late twenties... he was admitted to hospital after a mental breakdown of some kind.  It was discovered there that He was impaired, mentally and although he was 6'4" and 250 pounds... he was mentally really only  between 9 and 14 in age, depending in the situation.  He would never be able to function in a 40 hour work week schedule and was deemed needing to be on a disability. There was professional help for him. Unless one knew about the diagnosis there was no way to tell he was lacking the ability to perform like a mature adult.  He also did better trying to improve at the encoragement of his caregiver/social workers,  yet he resisted the exact same from his mother.

Other than another warm hug  (((~~HUG~~))) I don't know what else to say... except Bravo to your fiance for allowing you to be her Mom, no matter what!  Very cool!

P E A C E
Evie

I am sending you one of my HUGE hugs - hope it helps a little to ease the pain you are experiencing at the moment.

Blessed Be

Sarah

Dear Astrael-

I wil give you a hug, but at the same time I will give you a kick.
I hope you will enhance the kick- and give it to your daughter. I guees you should have done that some years ago.

She rides your horse - why should she not- its easy and comforting- and has allways been so ??
She knows you are there (thats ok) to take over .

You can talk -- BUT IT`S NOT WHAT YOU SAY - IT`S WHAT YOU DO. and you allways open your arms/ door

Your daughter knows your weekness - better than you.

It´s  due time to take the spoon in the other hand - be tough - give a time limmit to end the charede.

That my herd - but help you and her in the end, bellieve me ; what you have been doing was not helping neither you nor her

My best thoughts for you (and your daughter who shall to learn what liveing is about)
and goods speed

Pouldk