Hi
first of all this site is great. Every reading I have has been spot on:)
I am at a weird time in my life. I am 27 (still young) and its like all of a sudden the rose coloured glasses have come off about life. Suddenly all those people I thought were my friends are not, and I am experiancing mass amounts of people lying to me and turning out to not be the people I thought.
This is happening with almost everyone in my life. I used to be the friend that everyone had a good time with and now I dont drink anymore I am not needed. This sounds so stupid even writing it, but its getting me down. I dont know who I am anymore and how to be happy. I cant , for the life of me get into my spiritual space again. a year ago my mother in law died.
I miss her deeply.
She was a wee rock for me out where I live and helped me adjust to the lifestyle of farming families. and now shes gone, I dont fit in anywhere. I put so much energy into her children (my hubby sisters) and became emotional very close to them and now they are completly dropping me.

The family has been torn apart due to her death. And I feel lost. I pick up so much energy and feeling from everything. I am very empathetic, and I just feel thier pain too much as well as mine. I dont understand for the life of me why I had to be so selfish the day she died that I couldnt stand up to the doctor and tell him I needed him to put her in an abulence instead of in the car with me. I knew something was wrong. I couldnt save her when she had the heartattck and I couldnt bring her back.

Dont get me wrong its not like I didnt try but nothing I did, every breath i blew wasnt enough she had gone and i felt her spirit go.the minute before death I felt the shift and I asked her if she was ok she said oh yes and that was the last words she said. BUt what about me, I am not ok. I had to go tell her family, and I wasnt allowed to grieve properly because I had to be strong, and she wasnt my mum. I know I only knew her for just 6 years. But I had woalked with her before. I knew her on a deeper level, and trying to explain that to anyone was impossible. Nobody out here understands me. And now over a year on, I am feeling like I am different to everybody.
and I feel lost. I dont know who to lean on, or where to go.

Warmest hugs to you, wildchild.

Perhaps the reason you have not moved on since your mother-in-law's death is your  guilt - you feel that you're somehow  responsible for her demise (as you said, if you had decided to send for an ambulance, rather than use your car, things might have turned out differently). Until you absolve yourself and know that you did the best you could, or forgive yourself (if you really think there was some sort of shortcoming on your part), then the way you feel inside would reflect on how you conduct yourself among others. And I guess that's why you get the reactions you described.

Even if you were bonded to your mother-in-law, your grieving has to end, both for her sake and for yours.

I wish you all the best...

A lots of Big Grandpa hugs to you....your story is hard....and I feel you need much comfort and understanding.

On the other hand you will also need to work with yourself.  
You say that suddenly your friends started to behave strange and you feel they are no longer to trust.

When I read this post and then saw that your mother in law, who you loved, died a year ago, I start to wonder if you aren't the one who have changed most.
It seems for me that you are blaming yourself for not doing enough for her. If you do....then please take my advice and stop with that.
Our whole life is about decisions....every decision we do change our path....and most of the time we don't see the result of what would happen if we had done it another way.

Then we comes to those incident where "we believe" we can see what had happen if we had done it another way.....we saw what the chosen way lead to ....and we start saying that if we had chosen the other way....then he/she might be saved. Well that you will never know....there is no way anyone can tell you this....but in our thought we are more and more sure we have done an error and this is starting hunting us.

When our feelings of failure and our sorrow start to interact with family and friends, we slowly destroy the good feeling we had when all was normal.
Since guilt is a negative feeling....you will radiate negativity.  This can be withdraw from "social activity" withdraw from daily connection....when you interact it might be with telling about your loss...what you should have done and so on......if this is the case....then any relationship will crumble.
It's seldom that all around a person start to be negative towards one, without the person self playing a leading role.

So let your "mother in law go".....she has it good where she is and as you tell, you and she was good friends....do you then believe that she want you to go around and feel sorry for her???....NO NO she want you to be happy....to get most out of your life.....you and her son is the one who shall bring her family forward.....and I am almost sure if she could have talked to you today...she would have said you couldn't have done anything different from what you did....Now! stop hurting yourself!

As a little afterword I can tell I have almost been there.
10 years ago I had a major heart attack....both my girls, then 28 and 34, blamed theme-self for not seeing it....for not have brought me to the hospital sooner.
I say....crap....stop those thoughts.....what is great with life is that we don't know what will happen in the next minute....always live life to the full....don't bother with bagatelle...don't put off your love and kind words to your next for another time...don't carry around your anger.....don't go around sad and waste precious time here on earth .

Good luck to you and another Grandpa hug!!

Hello there Wildchild,

 Probably none of your friends are aware of  what is happening inside of you. You had to be strong so you maybe didn't show it to them afraid that they won't understand. You say no one there would understand... maybe your old friends will, they may feel something is wrong with you and interpreted differently as maybe you want to be left alone. If they would know what is going on with you maybe they will give you more attention and you wouldn't feel so lost and turned down. There is nothing not to be understood in your situation . You lost someone very special in your life, now there is an empty space there in your soul that haven't been yet filled or healed.

We all  wished  we could have stopped the bad things that happened in our life, if  we only knew..but we usually don't and can't  know what precisely will happen. Life is unpredictable....death almost the same  except very few special cases. You couldn't have know at the time how things will turn. I guess if there is any kind of guilt in your mind than you should erase it,  I don't believe that the doctors wanted to take her with the ambulance and you didn't let them, if they or he was already there than it maybe more of his fault than yours not taking the right decision not you, as you are not a doctor I guess. Bottom-line is that you did only what you could, only what it stayed in your hands, and you were there with her till the last moment, body and soul, never left her, you really cared for her you couldn't possibly harm her.  It must have marked you deeply the whole event and I think you were very strong going trough this...

From my experience so far, I  think that friends are like wine, getting  better with the time, you maybe just lost connection with them for not keeping in touch, it happens, life is busy and full of turns,  sometimes you can work on it, remind  them that you are alive and want to meet them, if they refuse you than that's a different story.
I am sure that you feel lost because you feel kind of alone.. You have to start thinking of  the future, and live for the future, let go to the past and things will start to come back to normal, you will relearn to be happy, for the sun that is rising , for the wind blowing in your hair, for your dear ones that left for you and for the new beautiful experience that are expecting you in the future together with new friends that life will bring you,
your mother in law will always live in your memories as long as you will have a memory.

have a warm hug from me,
have faith in the future and life will bring you new meanings,