Hi Youdah
Thanks for your reply And sorry its taken me awhile to write back. Couldn't do it from home as my computer is acting up, so thought i would message you from work.
Its not that i disagree with anything that you've said at all to me in your posts. I guess its that i've grown up to always think what people around me think of me.. if i'm making a disasterous mistake, or not. Because basically at times i feel like people have tried to warn me of me making mistakes and i just followed what i wanted i suppose.. and they did turn out to big mistakes. I have no idea what you think personally of gay relationships.. and i suppose i shouldn't really care.. but i do.. because i'm scared of what others that are close to me will think of me.. that they may lose light of who i am as a person and just focus in on what relationship i've chossen to enter. And you reflect in some way an image for me on what the majority or commonly indians would think? if that makes sense?
I guess it is hard for me to just follow what i think and feel because for all these years i've done the complete opposite. I'm looking at the world differently now.. this is all new to me..  but i am happy where i am.
As far as telling my mum how i feel.. believe me i have.. even had a talk/arguement with her today.. she doesn't honestly care what i feel. i tell her it hurts and basically how i feel when she does certain things.. but my mum doesn't "get it" and from the way she acts.. i doubt she cares.. i mean when she looks back at her hitting me with things.. she feels justified in doing so.. she didn't make a mistake there.. she may have made mistakes.. but that wasn't one of them. As far as her throwing my history in my face and refusing to look at my reasons why.. that will never change.. i've gone blue in the face trying to talk to her.. to work this relationship i have with her out.. but nothing phases her. My mum does what she thinks is right.. for her.. her honor.. and respect. everything else is secondary to that. She and my brother and dad and an aunty want to give me money for my birthday and graduation towards buying a new car.. i don't want the money.. i have a car and my own small flat.. and i did it on my own for the majority of it.. and i guess what holds me back is knowing that any mistakes i make it will get thrown in my face. She admits its happened in the past.. but then says its ok it happens (her saying things) and i turned around to her today and said no its not ok. maybe for you its ok, but its not ok for me. Your the one repeating my past.. making me feel like your showing me mercy.. but i feel how it hurts me. She said nothing.. just nodded (as if, good that's how you should feel) and that was it. I have talked to her Youdah.. for years.. in whatever way that i could.. gentley, in anger, in tears, in me cutting and overdosing. I've tried.. but my mum doesn't hear me. I'm going down this route to being gay.. and if i eliminated all the complications, i think my gf and i would be more than fine. yes she's much older than me, and a different race.. but the person she is.. the affection, care, tenderness.. and the way we are together.. that just erases everything else.
I just feel lost in what i want to do, and in what i should do. I feel like i've been walking in and out of battle grounds.. and i'm just confused and scared.. scared more than anything else.. i've been hurt so many times.. that i'm just waiting for her to hurt me..  if she is quiet with me, or distant my heart starts pounding and i just feel all panicky because i think i've messed up somewhere or i think she wants to dump me. that feeling overwhelms me.. and that is something i need to resolve.. I don't know Youdah, I've tried my whole life to be the good indian girl.. i really have tried.. but i failed :( and i guess that hurts me more.. i feel like i haven't lived up to anyone's expectations.. and i haven't even been able to live up to my own.. i keep saying to everyone involved that it will all be ok.. i'm holding it in and trying to take it in.. but i'm scared that i will make a mess.

I have been following your posts for long, I am Indian too and I have exactly similar Dad, so I have been away from home all these years, he never came visit me all these years which is a blessing but I don't think my life is any better in the western world, worth a mention since running away from Dad did not make my life any better, the first couple years felt like a big relief but eventually I had to deal with some nasty cheats and racists who are way more hostile than my dad. It sucks in some other way although I definitely have total freedom and the resources to do whatever I want. Moreover, I always tend to run into these sparky martian type women (god knows why they are so attracted to me) who are very controlling and very impulsive, emotional, follow my heart kinds, so the domination I always wanted to run away from comes back in some other form.

Anyways to cut it short, I looked at your chart and you have Rahu in seventh house, very easy to be cheated my partners, what does that translate into ? Not just follow your emotions and attractions but think and do your research(check out the reality) before you get into relationships. Nothing to freak out but you have such a signature in your horoscope, just wanted to make you aware.

I think projenator makes a very good point.  The old things that we have not resolved continue to come into our lives...like the other half of a "need" until we deal with and resolve it within ourselves.

Hey Guys,
thanks for replying to my post And thank you Projenator for letting me know about the Rahu thing.. I deffinitely believe that.. and i am sorry to hear about the relationship that you have with your dad.

A few things have changed over the last few days.. well for awhile now, I guess its just come more to the surface recently. There have been a few things that have happened that have made me think that there is more to my childhood than I actually know right now. I opened a very big door the other night and i think its going to be very difficult for me to close it now. I've spent my life blaming my mum for things.. and in some ways i think it was justified, but i think all of this stems from somewhere else. My anger towards her.. and when i was a kid.. the hatred.. because i can still quite vividly remember thinking that when i was really young.. i hated my mum.. very much.. and i also hated my brother. I use to say it alot in my diary when i was a kid. But maybe that was to block something else out. Maybe i didn't just hate her on the meer childish idea that i thought she loved my brother more than me... maybe its because i blamed her for more.. for not protecting me when i needed her? and maybe i hated my brother because she protected him..

Where does this all come from?.. Well I had a flashback the other night when i was with my gf.. I really only thought that this happens to me with guys.. but that's not the case. I froze.. I always do.. but this time it was worse.. I was terrified.. completely scared. I saw something, but i still can't make out the image. Being with her has made me look at myself quite seriously. She sees how i react.. she calls me on it.. whereas in my past no one really noticed.. or they were satisfied with that i just went along with it.. A part of me thinks i was abused as a child.. sexually. A part of me doesn't want an answer to that, because i don't know if i can deal with knowing the truth, with the memories. And a part of me feels like i need to know so that i can fix myself, my patterns, my answers to all my questions.
I've been doing alot of research yesterday, and I fit the profile.. to a T... So this is just me a total mess now.. maybe if i looki can find the answers i need to fix me.. or maybe it will destroy what i have left. Maybe i can finally have answers to why i've tried to destroy my life all these years. Maybe its not just the pressure of not living up to my mum's standards.. maybe its more.. maybe i feel more angry, or upset becase someone totally destroyed the way i look at myself.. and my mum was just a catalyst in the whole thing. Maybe its not just the years of being told i'm not good enough.. maybe i believe it more because someone made me believe that even before my mum had the chance to? I frezze.. I can't go through sleeping with someone.. no matter how attracted to them or in love with them i am.. i shut down.. i switch off.. i step outside of myself.. and i wait til its over. Its utterly painful, and i hate it. I thought all this time that it was just me.. i'm too consious, too unrelaxed.. its just me being silly.. but what if its more than that.. maybe all the thoughts that go on in my head.. the cruel, derogitary thoughts were put there.. me instinctively going stiff.. running, pushing my partners away.. being convinced to carry on.. but i know that i have totally shut off.. and just carry on so that they are happy.. because i really don't know what to say to them..

My gf tells me i've very controlled.. i don't let myself go at all.. she asks me why.. but i don't have an answer.

you both are astrologers.. have or can you see in my chart anything that will help me resolve this?

I don't want to say much because I am afraid of confusing you and it's also pretty complex since most of vedic astrology comes from vedic philosophy which is kind of counter intuitive in the modern context. In case you are interested I suggest you read some of the free stuff (primers etc. ) available on the web. Your chart makes perfect sense from what you said in your posts. Currently you are running the major period of your eighth and eleventh lord Mercury which is posited in the ascendant, the house of self along with Sun, Jupiter and Ketu. The good news is Jupiter is stronger than Mercury although it is in the star of Mercury. You are running the sub period of your seventh lord venus, hence the relationship issues.  Eighth house is one of the mysterious houses in astrology, in vedic, the sanskrit term used is randhra bhava. Randhra literally means aperture but in context, it means limitations, weakness, Achilles heel if you will. As eighth lord, it will challenge you to overcome your limitations, thus leading to a transformative experience, albeit painful. It's also about hidden issues coming to the forefront but if you think of it logically, failure makes you wonder and contemplate on all those limitations/weaknesses which you were trying your best not to deal with for the longest possible time, thus unleashing your untapped potential, makes sense ?

i know it's very complex and requires deep contemplation but so is human life.

In case you want to understand the wide range of possibilities eighth house represents so that you can channel these energies positively instead of being frustrated reviewing the entire situation repeatedly, here's a link

http://www.barbarapijan.com/bpa/Topics/8randhra_bhava.htm

BTW, that's what i did when I ran into the sub period of eighth lord. I used vedic astrology to understand what's going on and channeled my energies in a different direction. I took salsa classes, tennis lessons, worked out regularly etc. Things will somewhat improve by end 2009 as the focus shifts to career etc. Last but not the least, TIME is the best healer, so just be patient.