I suppose you already know that there's quite a lot of abuse here.  There's emotional, psychological, and physical abuse, at least.  This is a very dysfunctional family.  Don't feel bad, though, because most families are dysfunctional, at least a little.  There's so much pain involved that it isn't something that can be solved or healed through an internet forum.  As a result of this abuse, you haven't been allowed to feel, make your own decisions without checking in (at least mentally), feel your own feelings, have your own opinions, be your own person, etc.  This is just things you've been "taught," and it isn't who you are, though.  

Because there are obvious limitations to an internet forum, I'd recommend that you find some information on "dysfunctional" families and childhood abuse, and how the patterns and behavior continues.  You and your Mom are locked into old behaviors that can't change until you understand why the pattern is there, and change your own reactions and feelings.  It isn't anyone's fault.  These patterns get started so many generations ago that there isn't anyone to blame or criticize.  Just begin to know that YOU are a decent and good person.  It isn't very likely that you are anything like the barbs that your Mom throws at you.  She does it because that is how she gets to remain in control.  Control of you, and control of herself, and control of the situation.  By tearing you down, and  making you less than and smaller than everything, she can keep the illusion that she is "strong" and "OK."  That isn't to excuse her behavior, it's just to let you know what's happening.

With dysfunctional families, it's usually black and white, all or nothing.  So, if you still want to see and talk to your Mom, that's OK.  It's also OK if you don't.  But, when she starts to tear you down, realize that you don't have to react back.  There's other options such as just pointing out her behavior to her.  "Mom you are being disrespectful to me.  If you continue to attack me, I will end this conversation."  Then, leave the area for awhile if she continues.  This sets boundaries and limits, and let's you stay out of the crazy behavior that she's trying to hook you back into.  The crazy behavior goes like this:  big fight, then make up, then pretend that nothing is wrong.  

What you're experiencing is very common, unfortunately.  I wish it wasn't, because it is really destructive and hurtful to everyone involved.  But, you're not alone.  Try to do some research on dysfunctional families and childhood abuse.  There's a lot on the internet to get you started.  Understanding what's happening and why can help relieve a lot of the stress and put you on the path to healing, and being a happier and more confident person.  Most communities have support groups.  You might check into some of these.  If you are interested, and can't find any such groups, let me know and I'll try to find some for you.

The things I am suggesting is just to give you a direction to learn, and to break out of the destructive patterns.  They have nothing at all to do with what kind of a person you are, who you are, or what I think "about" you.  It is just some ideas and places where I believe you could find some answers and healing.  I'm sorry you are having this turmoil in your life.

Hi Youdah

Sorry its taken me awhile to write back, I've been thinking alot about what you said in your last response to me, and I have tried to act on it.
I've talked to my mum yesterday about wanting to break contact for awhile. So that we only talk about everything being ok in eachother's life and that's it for now. I tried to explain to her as best as i could that i need time to sort my issues out that i have with her and myself. I also brought up quiet broadly this issue regarding lesbianism. Obviously my mum got upset and basically told me that she hopes i never tell her that because she wouldn't be able to handle that and that if i am, then i should just never get married, just be alone i guess. I need to protect the family honor, and she doesn't want me to bring her name or respect down.

I asked her to just let me be for awhile, so that i can find myself, and that i hope that i don't ever lose her, but i cant be who she wants me to be, I can only be who i am, and that this may be my path in life, where my future is. I don't know, but i will find me and then come back to her and tell her where i stand. I hope that she can accept me for who i may be, but i can't change that or live a life that she wants me to, because i want to break this cycle. She feels horrible about herself, and she has instilled those views into me, i don't want that for my future, or my kids. I don't want to be unhappy for my whole life like she is. I told her that it may be selfish, but the past can't change, only the present so that the future will be safe, and happy. She understood this, as i also tried to tell her that i can't marry someone and ruin their life as well as our children's.. when i know that i'm not straight. Its not fair on him, or them, just for the sake of family honor. She tried to tell me that it wouldn't ruin that man's life because its all unknown. And i told her that when someone knows that they will ruin their life, then why go there? hurting someone with no intention is one thing.. hurting someone knowingly is something else.. and for the sake of what?
I feel like a horrible person Youdah... but so many parts of me are falling into place now.. how i've never been able to relax around a man, i always saw them as a friend.. and yes attracted to them to a point.. but then scared.. and deep down.. not wanting to be there. With my gf.. its totally the opposite.. i can go back now in myself and see when i was younger that i was attracted to girls.. i just skimmed past it because i would have been made fun of, bullied etc.. I feel like if i step back from my mum's lime light of her expectations, hindu traditions, culture... maybe i could find who i am really.. instead of who i am supposed to be.. because i know that i can never be that person. Do you think i'm being utterly selfish now??

I am continually amazed how some people feel guilty and "selfish" for being true to themselves and for taking care of their own needs first.  Do you feel guilty and selfish for eating?  Of course not.  So if you can nourish your body with what it needs, then why do you feel guilty and selfish for nourishing love and your own emotional needs?

Dysfunctional families always make one person the "blamed" and the one whose responsibility it is to make everyone else happy by being unquestioningly the scapegoat.  It works like this:  if you are responsible for their happiness by doing what they want, then you also become responsible for their UNhappiness.  So, if they aren't happy, then it must be YOUR FAULT even when you didn't do anything wrong...you get blamed...the scapegoat.  This person gets the shit-end-of-the-stick with everything.  This is the person who is suppose to give up everything they want, everything they feel, everything they need for the benefit of everyone else.  Realize that this has happened in your life, and start taking care of yourself.  

You can't control your mother's values and beliefs...nor should you.  That's who she is.  Not your problem.  It's not your raison d'etre to make her happy.  You are not an extension of your mother, nor is she an extension of you.  You are two individual, separate people.  If she thinks that your behavior and choices reflect on her, then that''s her problem.  Don't make it yours.  If her love is based on you only doing what she wants you to do, then it's a weak and counterfeit kind of love.  And, yes, mothers can be very cruel and unloving...despite what the storybooks want everyone to believe.  Mothers don't necessary love their children...or love them for the right reasons.  And when mothers "love" in this way, it causes real problems for the children who grow up without a good understanding of what "acceptance" and "love" really is!  And, yes, sometimes it hurts when those you care about can't love you unless you're always doing what they want you to do.  So, take the time to grieve the loss of innocence and the realization that you don't have "unconditional" love from your mother.  Then, move on.

So live your own life.  She'll have to make her own decisions, as will you.  If she can't accept you for what you are, then that's not your problem.  And that is not a reason to change yourself just to suit someone else!  That's not love.  And trying to do that is unhealthy and sick.  So, go be happy!  Live your own life wherever that takes you.  As long as you remain respectful of other people's rights (that's not doing what they want, but only respecting their rights to live their own lives also), and you remain true to your higher self, then you'll begin to find happiness yourself.

Hi Youdah,
Thank you once again for your reply You really do balancemy thoughts.. which are going nuts really. I keep trying to reason with myself with everything in my life... I spent the evening with my mum and her friend after work today.. and its draining.. the constant critisism and control over what i am doing.. her watching my every move.. even now i know she is watching me.. i hate it.. and your right about the scapegoat thing.. its always been my fault.. only because i was always messing up. i'm the weak one who always struggled.. evennow.. my brother is fine.. emotionally i guess.. he's doing well, succeeding.. always aiming higher.. and i am trying to rebuild my self esteem and confidence. mum says i need to grow up.. and it hurts.. because may be i do.. but to go where? i'm scared of taking steps to live my life the way i want because of hurting others.. and once again making a mistake.. i fought alot to be with my partners... and well i always failed.. that's why i'm scared with my gf.. she is alot older than me.. and she;s mixed race as well..  she says that she loves me.. i haven't said the same back yet.. and she's respecting me needing time to figure myself out. you don't really respond about me having a gf.. is this because you are posting back on the whole of my messages.. or do you think i'm doing something wrong as well? thanks youdah, i really respect and appreciate all the advice you've given me

Would it matter if I approved or disapproved of your gf?  Why?  You don't even know me.  So, why on earth would it matter to you?  I'm asking this because it does NOT matter what I think, or anyone else, including your mother.  The only thing that matters is what you think of yourself.  That's the ONLY thing that matters.  Personally, I've already given my views about gay relationships.  But, that doesn't mean anyone has to agree with me.  That's what I think, and that's my opinion.  No one else never needs to agree with me.  And, whether or not we agree or disagree, (or anyone else), then we can still respect each other's right to have our own opinions.  That's what I've been trying to say to you.  But, then, I really don't think you're understanding.  Or perhaps you disagree?

As far as your Mom, when she is hurting you, why don't you tell her that her words are hurtful?  Can't you just say that it sounds like a putdown to you, and it's hurtful?  If you don't speak up, then it's an approval of her behavior, or at least a tolerance of it.  If you don't like it, don't tell me!  Tell your mother!!!  

And who cares what your brother is doing or not doing?  That's your brother.  You are you.  If you were wildly successful and making tons of money, she'd be fussing that you're not being a good little girl, being  married, with 6 kids!  If you want to compare yourself to everyone else in the world, you'll forever find yourself lacking and "not good enough."  Here's an idea instead: start accepting yourself just the way you are.  Your Mom and family can't give you this, but you can give it to yourself!  

You can take care of your own needs.  You can give yourself the acceptance that no one else has given you before.  You can give yourself permission to live your own life the way you see fit.  OK?