Hi Clover73,
I am in the same postion that you are in when it comes to bipolar and depression. However, for me I was diagnosed with double depression (they say that since I tried to end my life, now I am embarrased to say but it is the truth and unfortuantly I tried it on about 5 different accaions.) and as they put it a mild form of bipolar (whatever that is suppose to mean) Anyway, they had me on 3 to 4 different medications at a time. I was so I found myself getting a lot worse than I was when I was before getting on the medication. I ended up quiting the medication as well as the doctor I was going to at that time, especially since he threatened me to either keep taking the meds or he was going to make sure I was admitted into a mental instution, which that was going to happen especially since I had 4 young children at the time. Anyway, as I was winging myself off of all the meds, I decided to look at myself, my kids, and why I was like I was. I started on a new path and began my own therapy. I began looking and doing research on a variety of things that I could do for myself so that I wouldn't go completely off the bend, especially since I knew I could at any given moment, I began by reading on both bi polar as well as depression to get more of a feel on it, and learned that when I began to feel as though I was starting to get out of control take a couple of deep breaths, take a walk, do something to get out of the situation at that time. I have a tendency to needing to be by myself during the times I get like this and which at times isn't a good idea knowing my history.
I am still like that still to this day and I still have problems with trying to control my bipolar and double depression, and it effects my family as well. But now since they are older they know and sometimes can see when I begin, especially during my depression moments, they try to help me in a variety of ways. I have a wonderful support system at home with my children, I just wish that others around me could understand sometimes they just make it worse.

Clover73, I do understand and I wish you the very best.

Hi Swduryee,

Thanks for your message.  I have been doing much better lately.  Even though I have a lot of stress right now and my symptoms get worse when I'm stressed out, it seems ok.  I still have my "moments" but for the most part I'm getting better at handling it.  I talked to my Doctor and told him that I'm not feeling good about taking all the medications.  Now I'm only on two and I just take them before I go to bed at night.  I stopped taking the antidepressant completely.  Since I did that, I feel way better.  

My family doesn't really understand all of this at all.  My Fiance is really the only one who understands and helps.  My kids are good about it too.  They know all about it.  They can tell when I'm going to go into one of my "moods" before I even realize it.  We have a pretty open family though so they aren't afraid to say something because they know I won't take it the wrong way.  It actually makes me feel better because I see that they do understand and even though I've been dealing with this for so long, I still get "freaked out" when I start to feel bad.  But I do agree with you.  Sometimes they try toooo hard to help and I all I want is to be left alone.  Sometimes just being around people in my own house will set me off.  I just go in my room and try to be alone for a while.  I think that is the biggest thing that people don't understand.  They think that it would be better for me to be around people when I get upset and it is just the opposite.  I just need to be alone so I can regroup.  Being around people telling me what to do just makes it worse.  

I know how frustrating it can be when you try to talk to people about this and they don't understand because they don't REALLY know how you feel.  If you would like, you can send me a private message anytime.  I have no problem being there for you even if you just need to talk and get out the frustrations.  Just let me know. I have found some new friends who go through this like I do and it does help to talk about it with them because they KNOW how I feel.  But, I'm always around if you need to talk or whatever.

Clover

I was on lithium, which is an interesting thing, but it, in combination with antipsychotics, made me sluggish and fat....and I have heard that lithium is toxic and will shorten your life, but I would not want to say that for sure, not having a source to go and look at immediately to tell me this is so, I do know I didnt like it too much, because it made me so blah, and the point of this is to be happy, not to be blah...not to get rid of the highs, but to make sure they are not dangerous highs, which can let you plummet to the ground in the lows, but to stabilize...I felt that it took something I cherished away from me...

lithium is in cigarettes I think...

what I have been thinking about is homeopathic lithium salts....

right now I am currently on effexor, which doesnt really have any side effects, but I went up to the max dosage and found out it really didnt make that much of a difference, so I went back down to minimal again...

in general I feel more stable on it, and my cousin and aunty who also have the same issue, are also on this one, of all the antidepressants I have tried, this one has worked the best for me, and seems to work for my family members as well....

one thing that has really helped me, and it trully goes against counsellign for the most part, is externalizing my thoughts, which has led me to a conversation with myself, or perhaps with outside stuff, which has helped me process much of what was hurting me....gives me a chance to discuss what is going on.

the thoughts that tell you to quit, to end it all, put those outside yourself, please, immediately...they are not from your truth, they are misaligned....
separate them and get rid of them, discuss them with yourself, not all mine were my own, some of them have been karmic, some of them have been other things, some of them have been picking up on other people's energy, some of them have been a sort of mirror effect, there are so many things they can be, but they are _not_ you....


one thing that might help in this process, whether you are on meds or not, is the feeling of being safe, the higher protective power, someone helping you to drive....making sure you are well connected to both the earth and the stars.....not completely grounded, but well connected, strongly planted, still reaching high...

also, the thought of polarization may help, it has helped me quite a bit, when something really troubles me, I think of it as a physical place and I flip it, sort of like trying to put a magnet with two norths together and two souths together, irritating yucky energy, so I polarize, I flip my switch, and i move the connection to the right place....this has taken about six months of thought processing though before it has become a regular ability to alter my emotions, my feelings.....

working with an actual magnet set would probably be helpful with this, to feel the flow in physical form...atttach it to the location in your brain, the thought that is bothering you and flip the magnets so they are together comfortably, not struggling to be apart....that connection will come with time and at a certain point, it should...it should just by pass the irritating connection and polarize correctly, comfortably, something about how our brain starts to take short cuts if we process exactly the same way every time for a period of time....

one thing I do alot is analyze the feelings and decide whether they are my own, or perhaps coming from an outside source, whether it be a subconscious connection, a past or a future connection....there are so many connections that we are a part of, you don't have to accept them all, you can neutralize them, another comment that speaks to me of walking the middle path, and then making sure that path is taking me to a happy and peaceful, joyful place.....

I hope this helps, I have been dealing with this, by myself and with good counsellors and doctors for five years now and the process is finally stabilizing to the point where I am not swamped with pills and I am not running around like a lunatic ;)

I open myself up to sharing my understanding with you, if you are willing to link with me,  if you want, I can see if I can link with a crystal and send it to you? I am always willing to do things like that, if a physcial transferrance need occur....it has been a .... I dont know how to describe it, but a learning event.....

in love and light,
Kim

Hi Obvious@live.ca,

I too took Litium in the beginning when I was first diagnosed.  That was in fact the first medication they gave me.  I stopped taking it because #1 I didn't feel it was working and #2 I already have problems with my kidneys so I can't take it anyway.  They changed me to Depakote.  I actually like that one and it seems to work the best.  The only problem with the Depakote is that my body builds up a tolerance to it over time and then it doesn't work anymore.  When that happens I have to go off of EVERYTHING and let my body get flushed out.  Then the Doctor will start me on it again after about a month or two and I have to start at a very low level and build back up again.  

Any help I could get would be much appreciated.  If you are willing to spend your time to be there for me I would gladly do it.  Just let me know.

thanks again for all your help
Kimberly

If you can come up with something that would make you comfortable with throught transferrance, a workable idea, I am willing to work with you, I hear voices at the same time as all this goes on, so I _know_ its not all you....and I have battled a great many mental pathway through this, made my own beaten path, the comfort is widening....

we can make this a sort of experiment if you want =)
in the best possible outcome effect...
I could send you my current meditation mp3 (just for this purpose, I have an antipiracy catch in my head, but we can share for a certain length of time), or you could send me one of yours and we could sit down at a specifc point and be together and see if we can work together on this,....

I am currently working in gamma, but pretty much anything should work as long as we are , even looking at the same picture should do it, but music is a little more guided, perhaps, because you have to listen to it ina  temporal order, rather than looking at a picture, which can be a little more focussed, personally

just ideas....and I'm always willing to send a token of sharing, by mail or whatnot =)

I would have to warn you that the woowoo spirits think I am a little violent, but it has been quite the attack going on, from the sounds of it, and I have never tortured anyone or done anything more than ask them to leave and then work with the reflections, which if they have been coming in as violent, they would assume they are getting violence back, via the mirror effect. (you get what you give, you are taught as you teach)

I think the violence I received has something to do with the suicidal feelings....and sometimes when you are sensitive, you need to alert higher power of the effects that are going on thought-wize, from the sounds of it, not everyone "up" there knew exactly the depths of my feelings going on through this....

"I receive lessons as I offer lessons, with kindness and understanding."
(purpurite)



in love and light and all the good stuff
Kim(berly too ;)