Hello all, I guess (as always) I am just searching for some insight.
I welcome your imput positive or negative.
see the thing is, I am not normal! everyone who meets me knows right away that I am diffrent. It is hard to explain, its not like I can be diagnosed with any mental illness because no one thinks Im crazy but me. heres what I got goin on. can anyone identify?
I am still afraid of the dark, to be alone in the dark is very creepy. sometimes in the day, the only way for me to explain it is to say it feels like I get swarmed. like nothing in the room moves but I can feel that the energy in the room is like a tornado. ever since I was a small kid, I have sensed (energies) and had dreams that had no business being in my head. I suffered no real trauma as a kid other than the discovery ( through a *strange tingling down my left side) that I have 2 abnormally large veins in my brain. this causes no discomfort other than what I have always called *"my shocks" I dont know if there is relivence in this to my "experiences" I have always had "presences" around me for as far back as I can remember.
Now, my teen years were SOOOO screwed up!!! not really too much drugs per say but on my own at 12 on the streets and just "free" not really any ties or life lines I just kindof went where the wind took me. for that experience, I am greatfull lots of amasing stories! people are wonderfull! always the right person seems to show up at the exact right time. Actually I have always managed to find everything I have ever needed. I have never had a job to date. I just cant. I cannot explain it. I will work hard! for free. I am tough and can and do do very heavy work.
I need plants! the more the better my hands in dirt is bliss. when I was a child I always healed things. my mother says when I was really young that I could make cut flowers live for very unusual amounts of time without plant food. All the neighborhood animals that were skiddish of other childeren would come to me. I have always just, loved! With my mind I have always been able to manifest positive things but usually at my expence because my focus of thuoght usually tends to lean towards others good. I really think that there is a curse or a karmic debt or some huge lesson or something huge going on within my exhistence here. My spirit mostly has stayed the same but the physical world has constantly pushed my emotional exhistence to the absolute limits that I think I can take. No I do not think I have it worse than everyone else. I do know however that each and everyone of us can handle a hell of allot more than we think we can. When I was 18 I was still a "street kid" I was not on drugs and I was not a prostitute it was more like kids hanging out with no where to go. at that point I became pregnant. my boyfriend at the time, we were together 6 years. I could not get on welfare untill I was 19 and my bf didnt have a clue how to work or live out of the street life. but there were allot of youth supports in the city where we were so I managed to eat well take vitamins and basiccally do everything right for my baby. I turned 19 in may and my baby girl was born on july 20 1998 I named her Heaven. she was exactly how I wished her to be she was/is beautiful. all I ever wanted was to be a mom my whole life! Turned out though, Heaven was born without a brain. I was given her name when I was about 4 months pregnant, she fits it more than I ever imagined. I found out about her problem 4 days before she was born. I never questioned God. instead I begged for strength. (and got it) I begged for whatever was supposed to come from all of this to be fulfilled to make the experience worth its wake. I remember standing in the shower with the water on my belly crying and praying and suddenly there was a breeze through the area I was standing And I just became calm. I dont know why. Heaven got the hiccups in my belly(I found out later they were probably seisures) but for the moment I was calm I knew this was important for her as much as me. at that time the doctors explained to me that I was her life line and that the chances of her making it through labor were 6% I cant really explain how I felt other than dazed. it was all so fast. I remember asking my doctor " what do I do now" she told me to wait. we had to wait till she was born to determine why she was sick. when she was born they were going to just let her go. She had other plans. they never suctioned the goop out of her mouth she coughed it out on her own. they didnt think she would know to breath or suck but she breathed. sucking was harder but I was persistent and made her drink my milk she quickly became a great little eater
In the begginning it was just me and my boyfriend trying our hardest to do our best for our daughter but quickly he lost his sences and we fell appart (mind games and cheating) but I forgive him I know his love for me was real for whatever it was worth. I pray blessings on his life ( he has had it harder than me) So now I find myself alone with no family support. I never put that baby down. she was presumably cortically blind and deaf so I wanted her to always know i was there. Everyone in my family and my home town were under the impression that if I had been a street kid then Heaven must be a drug or STD baby, witch is not the case at all (it was a virus called C.M.V) but I understand how it could be perceved that way so I dont judge anyone. however I have been defending against that stygma for soooo long now. Heaven is in foster care now I ended up faced with a decision for her best intrest because the government here in canada is not set up for the birth parents of children like heaven to get the recources we need however in care she is being funded for everything she needs so it is good. I had her with me for 2 years and did everything I could. so Im ok with it. then there was my second. same dad. her name is Destanie. he and I were together for one weekend and here she comes .I was happy. but when i signed heaven over and went home to my home town to get myself back together from my trauma. that is when I was faced with the drug/STD baby stygma destanie was taken away from me by my mother and went into fostercare. none of these people had any idea what the truth was my mom should know should she not? so it was on her word. I got no rest I fought like hell. 9 months later I got her back and became pregnant with my son. The whole thing was hell the paternal side didnt want him I did, long story. bad relationship. I had to leave with my daughter but they wouldnt let me take my son. my x kept everythingI own I had to leave fast. it has been almost a year. my life is wonderfull. I have re-established myself and am buying a house right now and lots of positive things are going on but I have had very little success in access to my son. I have been allowed to see him for all of about 4 hours in the last year. they have no reason other than a need for controll. Im a good mom it is what I was meant for. I have court coming up on the 26th of april it has been a very hard road trying to get legal representation and there always seems like there is something else to delay the process of getting into court. these people have lotts of money and I have none. I will once again be standing alone. but I could not live with myself if I didnt try to be in my sons life. not to mention my daughter remembers everything and she is a very depressed 6 year old. I am so afraid! As of today I am in a very nurturing relationship. it is almost as though we are of the same soul. we also have the same birthday. I dont know if that has anything to do with it I was born on May 9th 1979 he was born may 9th 1971. everywhere i am weak he is strong and vice versa. it is good. ok so after all that if I still have anyones attention, I want to clarify that I do not seek sympathy. I seek guidance. I have a very strong sence of energies but my healing has become weak. I still Love, I have no hate only sadness for loss. I do my best to understand everyones fallicies and in that there is no need to forgive andyone because there is no hate or anger in me. just love and pain. I really need a mentor or a teacher or something. I just need to understand my gifts and how to ballance everything that happens, in the name of love. I study as a hobby astrology (still very confusing) and numerology (getting farther there) I have tried reading tarrot but the energy that it felt was not good to me so I decided it was not my thing. I have read and studied the bible. I like to invite the JW's into my house and chat. (my friends think Im nutts there) I am not a christian I dont think I have a religion. Im just kindof lost. I am always studying something though. I need to harness this force within me cuz it is distroying me. I think Im crazy but everyone else thinks I have incredible insight and strength. Someone please enter my life and help me to learn about these things as I have very little understanding of any of it. I can feel energy at my fingertips when I tickle someones back and slow my mind. other people have reacted to these streams of energy without me ever having mentioned that I have it. or do we all have that? I dont know. If I still have yah here, here are my astrologycal stats. my name is Desiree (My mother wanted to name me morning star) I was born on May 9th 1979 at 2:47am in Trail B.C Canada. Thank you to anyone who took the time to read this and I look forward to reply's. P.S. Heaven is still alive and doing good. she will never have a "normal" life but who does.
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