Protect Yourself from Energy Vampires
by Judith Orloff, MD
(Taken from: talentdevelop.com/ProtYEnVam.html)
Energy vampires are people who suck our energy dry. Everyone can benefit from skills on how to cope with them. You can especially benefit if you are an "intuitive empath" who absorbs the pain and negativity of others into your body, and become exhausted by it.
Our relationships are governed by a give and take of energy. Some people make us more electric or at ease.
Yet others suck the life right out of us. As a physician and energy specialist I want to verify that energy vampires roam the world sapping our exuberance.
With patients and in my workshops I've seen their fang marks and the carnage they've strewn. But most of us don't know how to identify and cope with vampires, so we mope around as unwitting casualties, enduring a preventable fatigue.
Here are some types of energy vampires to watch for at work and ways to deal with them.
Vampire #1: The Sob Sister
Every time you talk to her she's whining. She adores a captive audience. She's the person with the "poor me" attitude who's more interested in complaining than solutions.
How to Protect Yourself: Set clear boundaries. Limit the time you spend talking about her complaints. With a firm but kind attitude say, "I'm sorry I can only talk for a few minutes today." And go on with your work and life.
Vampire #2: The Drama Queen
This vampire has a flair for exaggerating small incidents into off-the-chart dramas. My patient Sarah was exhausted when she hired a new employee who was always late for work.
One week he had the flu and "almost died." Next, his car was towed, again! After this employee left her office Sarah felt tired and used.
How to Protect Yourself: A drama queen doesn't get mileage out of equanimity. Stay calm. Take a few deep breaths. This will help you not get caught up in the histrionics. At work, set kind but firm limits.
Say, "You must be here on time to keep your job. I'm sorry for all your mishaps, but work comes first."
Vampire #3:The Constant Talker or Joke Teller
He has no interest in your feelings; he's only concerned with himself. Initially, he might seem entertaining, but when the talking doesn't stop, you begin to get tired.
You wait for an opening to get a word in edgewise but it never comes. Or he might physically move in so close he's practically breathing on you. You edge backwards, but without missing a beat, he steps closer again.
One patient said about such a coworker, "Whenever I spot this man my colon goes into spasm."
How to Protect Yourself: Know that these people don't respond to nonverbal cues. You must speak up and interrupt. Listen for a few minutes- then from a neutral place politely say, "I'm a quiet person, so please excuse me for not talking a long time -- a much more constructive tack than "Keep quiet, you're driving me crazy!"
Vampire #4. The Fixer Upper
This vampire is desperate for you to fix her endless problems -- at all hours. She turns you into her therapist. At lunch, she'll make a b-line to your desk, monopolizing your free time. Her neediness lures you in.
How to Protect Your Energy: Do not become the "rescuer." Show empathy but resist offering solutions. Be supportive but tell her, "I'm confident you'll find the right solution" or sensitively suggest that she seek a qualified professional for help.
Vampire #5: The Blamer
This vampire has a sneaky way of making you feel guilty or lacking for not getting things just right. Whenever my patient Marie, a book editor, sees her boss she's on guard; her boss had a way of cutting her down that saps her energy.
She always has a negative comment to make.
How to Protect Yourself: Try this visualization. Around this person imagine yourself surrounded by a cocoon of white light. Think of it as a protective covering that keeps you from being harmed.
Tell yourself that you are safe and secure here. The cocoon filters out the negativity so it can't deplete you.
Vampire #6: Go For The Jugular Fiend
This type is vindictive and cuts you down with no consideration for your feelings. He says things like, "Forget that job. It's out of your league." These jabs can be so hurtful it's hard to get them out of your head.
How To Protect Yourself: Eliminate them from your life whenever possible. For a boss who isn't going anywhere try a visualization that put you at a distance from them, and refuse to ingest the poison. If you don't want to switch jobs, realize he's a wounded person; try not to take his meanness personally.
Here’s another article from
www.cmrsnews.com/energy_vampires.htm to fend off those who don’t realize their negative energy affects others….
Energy Vampires
We all know who they are, we just didn’t exactly know what to call them, at least until now. You know, the people that drain all the life and energy right out of you by their neediness, negativity, and complaining. Yep those are the ones. The name for them is Energy Vampires.
They efficiently and completely without shame or remorse zap and drain the energy and vitality out of other happy, healthy, and well adjusted individuals they may come in contact with. One might in fact say that they actively seek out and target others for destruction. They are energy predators. Whether they are related to the blood sucking vampires, or just a common personality type, we all have them in our lives. In close relationships they are also known as co-dependents, in the business world as negative people, and in the world of paranormal psychology they are known as psychic vampires. They are bad news for those of us that have the misfortune of encountering them. Unfortunately, they are everywhere. We all have to deal with them from time to time, some of us more than others, and some of us see them every single day. So to all you customer service representatives, daughters of elderly mothers, sons in law, doctors, nursing home CNA’s, and everyone else who suffers with this problem, listen up because here’s what you can do about it. And yes, this DOES have something to do with your health! Why? Because loss of positive energy and vitality leads to fatigue, depression, anxiety, guilt, inertia, psychosomatic problems, loss of productivity, slowed down hormonal function, adrenal exhaustion, irritability, insomnia, headaches, and many many other problems.
First, you MUST realize that your own energy, optimism, and enthusiasm AT THIS MOMENT, like your checking account balance, is a rare, valuable, limited, and wasting commodity. Like real estate, they aren’t making any more of it. We all have stuff we HAVE to do TODAY that will drain our energy bank account. Unless you are extraordinary, there’s not enough extra to go around permitting energy vampires to have their way with you.
Second, you already know who these people are in your life. Now you must recognize them for the pernicious threat that they are. Many of us are “pleasers”. That means we will accept things others impose or request or require of us more or less indiscriminantly because we don’t want to face anger or rejection. Once again, the cure to this attitude is to know that WE need our energy and vitality for our own well being. There is no reason to lose it trying to please someone who cannot be pleased, no matter what we try to do for them. Most people know a “pleaser” when they meet one, so although they may be willing to benefit from the pleasers efforts on their behalf, they are not likely to respect them for it. Also the more you do for ungrateful others, the more they will expect you to do, and the less appreciative they will become. Surely this is a vicious circle you do not want to be riding. What I am saying is don’t be afraid to say no, or no more. If you are a pleaser, get help, and start developing mature and mutual adult relationships with the important people in your life, and start setting sensible boundaries.
Third, many of us are exposed to energy vampires at work. For some of us, they are an intrinsic part of our job, or perhaps we work with them or for them. They always look at the negative side of things. They have a million doubts and questions. They usually try to control everything, but never succeed in feeling safe. They expertly shoot down every problem solving suggestion you can come up with. They don’t want to feel better. They are into complaining for the long haul, and for the energy they can drain out of others in the process. They tend to blame others for their problems, portray themselves as victims, give others an unaccountable feeling of responsibility for them, and they go on and on. So if this is your boss, maybe there is nothing you can do besides stay clear of him or her, and try to have as little to do with them as possible. Keep your conversations short and sweet. Don’t challenge them with questions. Don’t try to convert them to a more positive outlook. That is a fatal mistake, and specifically feeds their pathology. Listen long enough to know what you need to get out of the conversation, and then get away from them. Make up an excuse, or simply say “I have some other things I need to do now. Thank you for …whatever”. Some workplaces have most of their vampires calling on the telephone. Really you can identify them even before they verbally share their first bomb, drop their doom and gloom, or collar you and try to pin you to the floor. They are unhappy people. They want you to be unhappy with them. You can hear it in their voices. You can tell because no matter how cheerful or smiley you may be at first, it will not make them feel better. There is only one thing you can do in the real world. Keep it short. Find out what they want. You may have to interrupt their train of thought to get them focused. “What can I help you with today?”“I can get you an answer to that question for you. Let me call you back” You want them to know that you are willing to get them what they want, and you are not interested in hearing all their complaints and how the world is going to hell in a hand-basket. Unfortunately the best you can do in some of these cases may be to spare yourself, and pass them along to the next victim. In dealing with this kind of customer, there is a way to be kind, and caring, and professional and still be efficient, and keep them from leaving you in a pile of dust, the wreckage of what started out to be a good day. Just determine to yourself that you are not going to let them do that to you. Don’t take it personally, and don’t react with anger. It’s just how they are. Identify the type, and relate to the type in a practiced and predictable manner. You can help them, but you do not want to become their friend. You are not going to let them “have you”. They will chew you up and spit you out.
Finally, in your life in general there are some things for which you must have close to zero tolerance. Energy vampires are one of them. Then too, there is preoccupation with past wrongs, gossip, worries, and fears about things over which you have no control. That is a topic for another day. Hanging cloves of garlic from your neck might be effective, but it’s not a practical solution. Now you understand. Those amazing flips from feeling good to feeling bad don’t just happen for no reason. It’s not an accident. Your energy has been stolen. You’ve been robbed. Stay alert. Stay happy. Stay healthy.
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Posts: 620
And here’s one last bit of information from
http://www.businesspsychology.com/newsletter_february_2004.html
Beware Energy Vampires
February 2004Beware the energy vampires, for they will suck the productivity and success right out of your team! They're the living dead who lie in wait to pounce on you and suck your life force out of you, leaving you drained and half alive!
You know who they are; you've met them on the street and you've worked with them. On the outside they look like you and me. They may be well dressed and polite, perhaps even sophisticated. But inside they are poor joyless souls who are vigilant in telling you why you aren't good enough, why new ideas won't work, and generally why the world is a dreary and limiting place.
Somewhere in their dark pasts an energy vampire sucked the joy out of them, and they believe that they must roam the world infecting others. They live in terror of the bright sunlight of happiness, acceptance of imperfection, and optimism because they fear they will burst into flame and cease to exist altogether. They are destined to lurk in the shadows and search evermore for new victims to convert to the dark side (…imagine eerie music here).
EXAMPLE: I worked with a member of a senior leadership team who was bright, technically excellent, and politically savvy. He was socially polished and masterful at upward influence ("sucking up" if you will) with his superiors, so he seldom got into trouble or drew negative attention to himself.
However, many people had a general uneasiness when he was in the room and felt that they never could relax around him. They had a strange sense of dread that bad things were bound to happen sooner or later. This was particularly true for his subordinates, who were almost completely at his mercy. He felt no need to camouflage his true goals when with them, so he treated them shabbily and kept them feeling afraid and frustrated.
With peers the vampire would bide his time and wait until his victims were unsuspecting; then he would pounce and tell them why they were inadequate or why their ideas were not quite up to snuff. In a fairly predictable fashion, the teams he belonged to began to "shut down" and become less productive and less successful over time.
In particular, the leadership team members began to take the most conservative and risk-averse path both individually and as a group. This allowed them to avoid making any move that could possibly be criticized as less than perfect or without extensive precedent. In other words, they allowed their potential for innovation, synergy, and greater levels of success to be sucked right out of them!
This was a bright and hardworking senior leadership group, so they were able to maintain a moderate level of performance, but they never actualized their full potential as a team or as a business. The saddest part was that the leader of the senior leadership team, the only person who had the power and authority to put an end to this destruction, was unable to recognize energy vampires, and so the dark one remained free to stalk his victims at will (…imagine staccato music building to a crescendo here). Are you this leader?
TECHNIQUES
Technique #1: Pay attention to your gut feelings when you are around someone; these feelings are a valuable source of data in identifying and avoiding energy vampires.
Technique #2: In your selection process, screen out energy vampires. Hire generally happy and reasonably optimistic people who bring out the best in others.
Technique #3: Periodically gather feedback on the performance of your team members (e.g., 360 degree feedback) so you have a comprehensive and balanced picture of their full impact on your organization.
Technique #4: Remove energy vampires from your team through whatever legal and ethical means necessary; the cost is too dear to ignore this threat to productivity and success.
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