Thank you for the wise answers.
I like the idea of going for what 'feels' right, that way I don't have to ask :p
And I think I will purchase an amethist at least, if I can't quite get a feel.

And shouting. well, I've heard that before, I even did that in therapy once, but not alone, it's easier to shout together, that way its not like all eyes on you, when I practiced karate we had to shout too, I could do that just fine without feeling held back, but going out into the countryside and screaming all by myself, well, I'd still worry that someone might hear and see even if there was noone around.

Painting sometimes works for me, but lately I havent been able to pick up a brush just like everything else is hard lately.

I have talked to many people, but there are very few I really trust, as a matter of fact I trust no one, not even myself. There are not many people in my life and the few people I know, like my sisters, I don't want to burden them with my troubles because when I have they tell me they don't know what to do and they feel worried and it hurts them too to see and hear my troubles, they want to help but don't know how.  I just broke up with my bf and although I trusted him enough to tell him most everything he could listen but he could not respond either. Which is what I often collide with, many people can listen and they will give advice when I ask for it, but it is never anything I don't already know. I don't know what it is I need, because when I go to a therapist they listen, but I feel as if they don't care, after all I am just another client, I can't expect them to really really listen and care because if they cared too much it would hurt them, because they hear and see so many troubled people.

I feel too demanding to want someone to really care, just for me, to drop everything they are doing and devote their time to making my life worth living again. And everybody is busy, I have realised that therapists often have more work than they can handle, they have good hearts and want to help a lot of people but they are only human and I feel as if they do not really have the time, they are not really strong enough to help me, because they are working to hard. You know what I mean.

This month I have to hold of buying anything because I am broke, but next month I hope I can collect the courage and whatever I need to go to the store again. These days I dont leave the house much and the colder it gets the less I want to. Sure spring has started, but I can't feel it when it's freezing outside, anything below 20 degrees celcius is freezin in my book though, so that's pretty much all the time, I'm not meant for this country, which is why I hope to feel strong enough soon enough to move far south from here.

I am looking forward to your response Gem, I agree with flight of angelwings that you are very very wise.

Jasz