Clearly you are upset in this situation. Living with in-laws indeed is difficult especially when the thoughts disagree.

Grandparents will always be grandparents...they will love their grandchild no matter what and to change their perceptions would be a tougher thing to do. I guess the non-support of your husband is not helping either.

As a mother you have the best interest for your child. I guess this is more about your relationship with your child and you have to connect with him. Share your concerns with him, be a friend.... and you are determined I wish you luck !

Take Care

First of all I want to commend you on admitting you have a problem and trying to change.  I don't know if there are any professional family counselors on this site, and I am not as knowledgeable as I wish I was so I could help you more, but lets look at what's going on.  Your mother-in-law has only one steady relationship with a man...her son...she is not going to let go easily.  Second, your husband's relationship with his mom has been influencing him a lot longer than your relationship with him, and while I agree with you, your feelings need to be acknowledged and respected as a parent, he is still her child and some men are very wary to let mom/son relationships waver.  I am glad you are doing your best not to let your son fall into this "trap".  Some women feel threatened by daughters and want to be the primary "woman" in their sons lives.  I feel sorry for them cuz they are missing out on so much love.  It is not going to be easy for either your husband or you to get out of this situation.  Someones gonna have to give.  I see you are willing to be reasonable, but I don't see your MIL(mother-in-law), giving in to easy.  She feels she needs this control.  So that leaves your husband.  Is he willing to change the relationship with his mom?  Is he willing to tell her straight out that the two of you have decided to raise your son a little differently and it is hard enough to have a willful, rebellious teenager without her butting in? Is he willing to remind her each time she gets involved that the two of you can deal with your son and don;t need her advice, just her support?  She will need to be reminded.   I would try to say to her each time "I appreciate you trying to help, but I can deal with this"  Then remove you and your son to another room to discuss issues.  I am sure you tried it, but it takes repitition to teach an old dog new tricks.  

It is not unusual for a teen to act defiant..it is actually a good sign.  You have loved him and nurtured him and taught him to think for himself.  He wants to spread his wings a little.... and have more control over his life.  Give him opportunities to make decisions for himself.   You might ask him, are you going to be around for dinner?  Are you going to be at your friends long? If he says yes, explain you are making dinner and were counting on him being there with the family, it's not the same without him.  Is there any way he could be home earlier?  I found my kids would usually come home cuz they felt loved and wanted...and had a choice.  If they didn't come home I would make a point to know how much I missed them at dinner and did they have fun?, what did they do? It was okay for me if they missed an occasional dinner as long as we had time to talk. If his room is a mess shut the door...most teens go through a messy stage, but they DO grow out of it.  My daughters home is spotless, and if you ever saw her room at home you would have never thought it possible.   If he stays out too late, well that is disrespectful and not safe...time to do something.    The rule for my kids was they needed to have a destination, needed to call if that destination changed and I needed to know when they would be home.  They could go where they wanted unless they broke these rules.  I always talked to my kids when they "forgot" to call and let me know how it made me feel...that I worried they were hurt and love them so much that  I was frantic.  It would take less than a minute to let me know they were safe and in the future I would appreciate it if they would at least call so they saved me unneeded stress.    I would let it go the first time but if it happened a second time,  I would remind them of the talk and how they reassured me it wouldn't happen again..but it did so I had to do something to help them remember so I didn't have to worry like this again.  I was their mom  and it is my job to teach them, love them and keep them safe,  and I couldn't rightly be a good mom if I let it go.  I spoke to them as intelligent loving beings and they re-acted in kind...most of the time.  I helped them make decisions, I didn't make them for them.  I wasn't going to be there at the parties when someone handed them drugs so I wanted them to be good at making decisions on what was good and bad for them.  We started at a young age.  When my 1 year old went to put her finger in the light socket I would explain why I didn't want her to do it and wouldn't it be more fun to play blocks?  I didn't just say No.  Talk to your son.  You can let him know that you realise you had been yelling too much and want to change this...would he remind you to talk things out if you slip?  Have any ideas what you could do to control this behavior?    You will be surprised how helpful kids can be.

You are an insightful, loving, intelligent human being...You will get through this.  Change is never easy and takes time...don't give up.  If you need to come back here every day so we can tell you that.... do so, we will be here to support you.

Bless you and yours

Hi, I hope that your situation has improved and that you will never allow yourself or anyone else to create situations where your husband or son has to choose between you and MIL. Perhaps you can find opportunities to demonstrate very special love to MIl knowing that she may not be as receptive as you may have hoped. It is true that if you change your approach and behaviour in a relationship that you create a condition for change in the other person. firetopaz really gave some insightful advice. Go well

My mother in law who 93 yrs still she is very bold and commenting others for some thing,which i don't like at all.My kids are grown up,they also dislike her,because being  a grand ma no love at all.now also she is very stubborn.my husband is very quite and reserved person.Every time i have to handle the situation.please anybody suggest some thing positively?