I am the mother of 3. ages 4, 2, and 3 months.
Recently I have been struggling with my 4 year old who always wants to tell me "no" when I ask or tell her to do something she doesnt want to do.
I understand that its her showing her independence and all and I dont want to tell her (like some adults do) that children are not to say no to adults. I dont want her to be afraid to voice her oppinion either.
 I am lost. I want to teach her when "no" is appropriate i.e someone causing hurt harm or danger in one way or another..I also want to teach her that "no" is not an option when I am giving her instruction.  ANy Advice?

You want to make sure that you don't tell her not to say no to adults, there will come a time in her future when she may need to.  Allowing her that, will help her throught those times.
As for the no problem now, try a different approach.  Instead of (for example) telling her to eat her peas and hearing no, ask her to make a choice. (It is about her own independence after all.)  "Would you like peas or carrots?"  And you can find ideas like that for most situations. "Would you rather brush your teeth before of after your bath?"

I hope that works, that's what worked for my kids

Oh my.......... I remember that age well.

I think I asked everyone that very same question as well! You know what response I got from a few people?

They told me that my children were just copying their learned behavior. When I heard that, I took a step back and tried to think before I spoke. Lo and behold, I was the culprit of that very same reaction!

I never realized how many times the word "no" came out of my mouth! No wonder why my children answered no when I would ask them to do something. I had to re-learn my responses to thier demands. Only then will theirs change.

Just as Bandit81101 mentioned, give them a choice, not a demand. Your children will then start to do that to you as well.

WOw ! 3 kids under the age of 5. I cannot simply imagine how you manage.

It is a tough terrain where you want your child to voice her opinion yet you do not want to give her an option of saying 'No' when you are giving her instructions.

What works for me is to put yourself in the childs shoes.You want to aggressivley not do something but have to do it. It could get frustrating.
Please dont get me wrong...every situation is different and as a parent we want the best for our child

Engaging cooperation is a tough task,especially at an age wherein decision making and independence is a need for them. Autonomy is big virtue that you can give them with smaller tools like choice making,ownership etc.There are certain rules too..but for all members of the family.

I am sure you will be fine.
Take care !

hi - my daughter is 8 months and im at the oppoisite stage - im trying to get her to realise then when mommy says no she means it.  At the moment she just laughs at me and continutes with what she is doing.  Its so funny though - I really have to try hard to keep a straight face - I think shes got me wrapped around her little finger already !!!  It will be very though when she is the one telling me no.  I think the idea of giving her a choice is very good - i will be keeping that in mind and implementing it early on.

Thanks
karen