Seriously don't know how to begin but i guess i'll start at where it matters and bothers me the most. I am the only kid for my parents and for the past 5 1/2 years i lived and studied abroad and returned in 2005. I wouldn't say that my life has been hell since the day i came back as there were bearable times. Over the past year and half though things have been troubling psychologically. I am 28 years old and cut from a completely different cloth from my parents - my mother dependent  and her life revolves around me and on me and my father (she's retired, doesn't drive and doesn't have friends and doesn't want to), and my dad has an addictive personality (alcohol and smoking). My mother is extremely controlling - she takes away anything that makes me happy, my ipod, my radio, my headphones, anything she thinks is 'corrupting me'. She doesn't like my friends, doesn't like me having any and refuses to allow me to see and hang with them, constantly berating/cursing/belittling me with hurtful statements and memories. Dictating what i can/cannot do. The minute i disagree with her...the cursing bellittling and the dredging of good ol' memory lane starts begins. It is very damaging to my self esteem. I have come to realise that i can only be happy if i make her happy, and i don't blame her as that was the envoirenment that she was raised in. She believed that by following her parents orders and making them happy she made herself happy as well. Through her treatment and raising of me I can see for the fact that she isn't. I don't think she is a bad person - she's caring, an animal lover and a great host and she does have good qualities, and for that i love her, although she is a perfectionist .  I think that she just wants to mold me into being someone i am not and will not be - her. My passion is to head down somewhere and pursue a dream that i have long harboured but she's taken to telling me that i am not to go anyway and my job is to look after her. I am quite about most things she says but when she threatens my dreams and passions i get defensive and when i do she bites back by saying that nothing good will come from my pursuits and ventures because i went against her and children who that do will always end badly. I graduated with top honours but she doesn't seem happy for me as my major was not what she wanted for me as she wanted me to be a teacher like her and she tells me that all the time. IN her eyes i am a failure. I am at my wits end. I could write a memoir on my life in modern day Alcatraz but this is beginning to resemble a short story as it is. But i needed to vent and this place feels like home.

Hi Adriana-

It sounds like you're having a rough time of this and of course the guilt laid upon you is even a bigger burden... in fact it sounds like a family I know well, I married into it.

If you don't mind I am going to offer you some advice... Pursue your dreams, and I hope you are successful. If you do fall flat on your face, so what? At least you won't be 70 years old and looking back wishing you had tried. You have one live to live, and it's this one... everyone on this planet has their own life to live, their own set of problems, their own responsibilities and they can't live it for you, though they can try. Once you give someone control of that, you lose a piece of your self each time you allow them control along with your self-esteem and it's a hard road to travel and even more difficult to get back onto the right path. It will overflow into your daily life, it will effect your decision making, it will effect your attitude, it will effect how you react and respond to situations and most importantly it will effect your relationships. I see my husband, his brother and sister struggle with it every day... and they still don't get it. They probably never will.... the one thing I can tell you is you need to train people how you want to be treated. Your mom trained you well, but you need to train her.

The choices we make we take ownership of and we become responsible for - whether we want to admit that or not that's the bottom line; and sometimes the choices we make will bite us in the ass in the future through no one's fault but our own. Your mom chose this life, chose not to have a social circle, chose not to get a license, etc... it isn't your choice that she decided to do this, it's solely hers. By becoming her permanent chauffeur, companion, her taking away anything that gives you release or pleasure from the day to day monotony is controlling and it's probably out of fear that she does it. What she's afraid of only she knows, maybe she is afraid of losing control, maybe she is afraid of letting you go, maybe she is afraid of being alone.. but she is definitely afraid of something. The problem here is you allow it and by allowing it you are enabling whatever it is she is doing and that isn't fair to you or her. She has you believing she is the master and you are the thrall through manipulation... And you can dislike me for saying that, think I have a lot of audacity and a huge pair for getting out of line because it's none of my business, the bottom line is you posted because you were reaching out... you invited me; and if I can help one person in my lifetime, then it's well worth being disliked and thought poorly of. The relationship is a co-dependency and it's up to you to set the rules and break this unhealthy pattern to create a healthy relationship.

You're an adult, not a child and 12 years shy of being considered "Middle-aged," your biological clock is ticking and you are entitled to live the life you dream of. You are entitled to listen to the music of your choice. You are entitled to choose your own friends, lovers and career. You are entitled to wear the clothing of your choice. You are entitled to form close relationships with other people. You are entitled to fall in love. You are entitled to make right and wrong decisions. You are entitled to make your own mistakes. You are entitled to fall on your face, pick yourself and learn from your mistakes. You are entitled to freedom, freedom of thought, free-will, free reign of your life. You are entitled to live YOUR life, it's the only one you have. It is not your responsibility to take care of her and be at her beckon call 24/7... if you do that, how on earth will you ever support yourself when she's gone? How will you ever stand on your own two feet and survive? How will you ever find the man of your dreams, marry him and have children of your own if you allow her to dictate who you are, who you may socialize with, how you spend your time if you allow her to manipulate you because of her own fears?

By writing your post, it tells me you already have the key and tools to break free, the question is how badly do you want freedom and why are you afraid of stepping outside of the metaphorical cell? All you have to do is open the door and walk outside... It doesn't mean you don't love her, it doesn't mean you don't care, it doesn't mean you will forget her, it doesn't mean you will abandon her and the only person you need to prove yourself to is YOU; what it does mean is there is a world outside of this waiting to meet you and experiences beyond your wildest imagination that are yours and yours alone. And if I was behind you in this metaphor I've described to you, I'd be pushing you out. ;)  Live, Love, Laugh

God Bless!

Angelique

I have to support Angelique, perhaps I'd put more bluntly, leave and get a life - now!
You love your parents and that is good but you are an adult, think about that for a moment, as an adult you can elect who you want, you can drink (or not) when you want, you can get a mortgage, have children, join the army and die for your country, you are capable of logical thought (judging by your piece).
Now, tell them you will always love them but it's their house - their rules and you dont want to live by their rules, then leave. If you stay you will bow your head and become the person your mother wants, even though you might be screaming in head, it will happen.
LEAVE NOW, please, for your own sanity.

Adriana,
The above two posts sum it all up. I cannot say it any better. You need to pack your stuff and hit the road. Do not walk, RUN. It is not your responsibility to live under your mothers iron hand. It is your fathers responsibility. Why do you think your dad drinks so much? Your mom has been controlling him for so long that his drinking is his only way out. Unless you want to be a hollow shell of a human being then you need to find your own life and stop letting your mom run it for you. Now take a deep breath and remember, today is the first day of the rest of your life. Now go live it.  You will make it on your own and no matter what your mom says, we love you and believe in you.

Thank you all so much for your kind words. It has certainly propelled thoughts that has already been churning in my mind and that i knew all along. I have a friend whose parents don't love her enough, coming frm a large family, and she always says that i give great advice but it is times like these that you realise that its not about being smart or intelligent enough to objectify or subjectify and analyse underlying issues or strong enough to deal with them. Its about being human and needing someone else to help me for a change. I truly appreciate your kind opinions.