Jokes for the day., Mysticism, reading, forums, Numerology, Sun Signs, Divination

Posts: 4397 · Posted: Sat May 01, 2010 11:40 am

Jokes

Keeping Her Word...

There was a man who had worked all of his life, had saved all of his money, and was a real miser when it came to his money. Just before he died, he said to his wife, "When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife with me."

And so he got his wife to promise him with all of her heart that when he died, she would put all of the money in the casket with him.

Well, he died. He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there in black, and her friend was sitting next to her. When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said, "Wait just a minute!" She had a box with her; she came over with the box and put it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket down, and they rolled it away.

So her friend said, "Girl, I know you weren't foolish enough to put all that money in there with your husband."

The loyal wife replied, "Listen, I'm a Christian; I can't go back on my word. I promised him that I was going to put that money in that casket with him."

"You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him!!!!?"

"I sure did," said the wife. "I got it all together, put it into my account and wrote him a check. If he can cash it, he can spend it."

Golf Bet

Playing golf with his buddies, George had to make a slick 25-foot putt. As he lined it up, he announced, "I have a dollar bill that says I can make this putt. Does anyone want to bet?"

His three friends eagerly agreed to the wager. Too bad, George missed the putt by ten feet, and his friends gathered around to collect their money.

George pulled out a dollar bill on which he had written, 'I can make this putt.'

His pals are still trying to collect on the bet...and George is too.

A Letter to Your Cats and/or Dogs

The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.

The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort.

Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.

For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, bark, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered.

Also, I have been using the bathroom for years - canine or feline attendance is not mandatory.

The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough!

To pacify you, my dear pets, I have posted the following 'Rules' on our front door.

Inflated Ego

A man and his wife were lying in bed the other night when he noticed she had bought a new book entitled, "What 20 Million American Women Want."

He grabbed the book out of her hands and started thumbing through the pages.

His wife was a little annoyed. "Hey, what do you think you're doing?"

He calmly replied, "I just wanted to see if they spelled my name right."

Posts: 52 · Posted: Wed Oct 20, 2010 6:39 pm

Ah, rules for the pets.