Jokes for the day., Mysticism, reading, forums, Numerology, Sun Signs, Divination

Posts: 4397 · Posted: Sat Mar 13, 2010 11:17 am

Jokes

Baggage

My dear friend, a divorcee, never remarried, and her daughter wanted to know why.

"The men I know would bring too much heavy baggage to the marriage and I simply don't want to put up with it," she explained.

Taking her mother's hand in hers, my friend's daughter said sweetly, "I hate to break the news to you, Mom, but you're not exactly carry-on yourself."

Playing with Meanings

-- Two antennas meet on a roof, fall in love and get married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

-- Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, "I've lost my electron." The other says, "Are you sure?" The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive..."

-- A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

-- Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.

-- A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

-- A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."

-- Two cows standing next to each other in a field, Daisy says to Dolly,"I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," said Dolly. "It's true, no bull!" exclaimed Daisy.

-- An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.

-- Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

-- A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says, "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?" "Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him." So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down." "What? Because he's cross-eyed?" "No, because he's really heavy."

-- I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

-- I went to the butcher's the other day and I bet him 50 bucks that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, "No, the steaks are too high."

-- A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't - I've cut off your arms!"

-- I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

-- Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

-- What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

-- A sandwich walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry we don't serve food in here."

Out of Order

A friend of mine was visiting a college, which had those security call boxes every few hundred feet. If you were wandering around the campus at night and felt uneasy about somebody following you, for instance, you could hit the button and have a security officer come investigate immediately.

On one of these phones hung a sign that said, "Out of Order."

Underneath it someone had scrawled. . . "Keep Running!"

Childbirth

After learning the Lamaze method of natural childbirth, I was admitted to the delivery room with my wife.

It seemed like an eternity before the doctor finally announced, "I've got the head now; just a few more minutes."

"Is it a girl or boy?" I asked excitedly.

The doctor replied, "I don't know. It's hard to tell by the ears."