Jokes for the day., Mysticism, reading, forums, Numerology, Sun Signs, Divination

Posts: 4397 · Posted: Mon Feb 22, 2010 6:08 pm

Jokes

Managers' Quotes

Recently, a magazine ran a contest. They were looking for people to submit quotes from their real-life managers. Here are some of the submissions:

- As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday and employees will receive their cards in two weeks. (This was the winning quote from Fred Dales at Microsoft Corp in Redmond, WA.)

- What I need is a list of specific unknown problems we will encounter. (Lykes Lines Shipping)

- E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be used only for company business (Accounting manager, Electric Boat Company)

- This project is so important, we can't let things that are more important interfere with it. (Advertising/Marketing manager, United Parcel Service)

- Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule. No one will believe you solved this problem in one day! We've been working on it for months. Now, go act busy for a few weeks and I'll let you know when it's time to tell them. (R&D supervisor, Minnesota Mining and Manufacturing/3M Corp.)

- Quote from the Boss: "Teamwork is a lot of people doing what I say." (Marketing executive, Citrix Corporation)

- We recently received a memo from senior management saying: "This is to inform you that a memo will be issued today regarding the subject mentioned above." (Microsoft, Legal Affairs Division)

- One day my Boss asked for a status report concerning a project I was working on. I asked him if tomorrow would be soon enough. He said "If I wanted it tomorrow, I would have waited until tomorrow to ask for it!" (New business manager, Hallmark Greeting Cards.)

Millionaire

John is appearing on "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" with Regis Philbin.

Regis, "John, you're up to $500,000 with one lifeline left: phone a friend. If you get it right, the next question is worth one million dollars. If you get it wrong, you drop back to $32,000. Are you ready?"

John, "Yes."

Regis, "Which of the following birds does not build its own nest? Is it A)robin, B) sparrow, C) cuckoo, or D) pigeon."

John, "I'd like to phone a friend. I'd like to call Mary."

Mary answers the phone: "Hello?"

Regis, "Hello Mary, it's Regis Philbin from Who Wants to be a Millionaire. I have your friend John here who needs your help to answer the one million dollar question. The next voice you hear will be John's..."

John, "Mary, which of the following birds does not build it's own nest? Is it A) robin, B) sparrow, C) cuckoo, or D) pigeon."

Mary, "Oh, John. That's simple. It's a cuckoo."

John: "Are you sure?"

Mary, "I'm sure."

Regis, " You heard Mary. Do you keep the $500,000 or play for the million?"

John, "I want to play; I'll go with C) cuckoo."

Regis, "Is that your final answer?"

John, "Yes."

Regis "Are you confident?"

John "Yes; I think Mary's pretty smart."

Regis, "You said C) cuckoo, and you're right! Congratulations, you have just won one million dollars!"

To celebrate, John flies Mary to New York. That night they go out on the town. As they're celebrating, John looks at Mary and asks her, "Tell me, how did you know that it was the cuckoo that does not build its own nest?"

"That's easy, everybody knows they live in clocks."

Spelling It Out

My husband and I often spell words so that our small children won't understand what we're saying. I didn't realize what a habit this had become until one day when my husband and I were in the grocery store at the soup aisle. An aggressive young woman banged into our cart, then nudged me over, blocking my access to the soup. Annoyed, I looked at my husband and said, "Boy, is she r-u-d-e!"

"Yeah," he replied, "and I'll bet she can s-p-e-l-l."

Signs Your Mobile Home Is Haunted...

1. Your can of Skoal mysteriously floats through the air.

2. Blood drips out of your simulated wood paneling.

3. The eyes on the velvet Elvis painting move.

4. The room is spinning, and you're not even drunk yet.

5. That car in your front yard isn't on blocks -- it's levitating by itself.

6. Your dog, Bo, gets sucked into the TV set, and he's blocking your view of rasslin'.

7. That mysterious scratching below the floorboards? The Telltale Raccoon.

8. The chain the ghost rattles is attached to his wallet.

9. You feel an eerie presence every time "Freebird" plays on the radio.

10. The trailer is shaking, but there's no tornado in sight.

11. Your Dale Earndhart bed sheets have eyeholes cut in them.

12. The ghost is completely invisible except for the tobacco juice running down his chin..