Jokes for the day., Mysticism, reading, forums, Numerology, Sun Signs, Divination

Posts: 4397 · Posted: Fri Feb 12, 2010 12:33 pm

Jokes

The Laws of Golf, Part I

LAW 1: No matter how bad your last shot was, the worst is yet to come. This law does not expire on the 18th hole, since it has the supernatural tendency to extend over the course of a tournament, a summer and, eventually, a lifetime.

LAW 2: Your best round of golf will be followed almost immediately by your worst round ever. The probability of the latter increases with the number of people you tell about the former.

LAW 3: Brand new golf balls are water-magnetic. Though this cannot be proven in the lab, it is a known fact that the more expensive the golf ball, the greater its attraction to water.

LAW 4: Golf balls never bounce off of trees back into play. If one does, the tree is breaking a law of the universe and should be cut down.

LAW 5: No matter what causes a golfer to muff a shot, all his playing partners must solemnly chant "You looked up" or else invoke the wrath of the universe.

LAW 6: The higher a golfer's handicap, the more qualified he deems himself as an instructor.

LAW 7: Every par-three hole in the world has a secret desire to humiliate golfers. The shorter the hole, the greater its desire.

LAW 8: Topping a 3-iron is the most painful torture known to man.

LAW 9: Palm trees eat golf balls.

LAW 10: Sand is alive. If it isn't, how do you explain the way it works against you?

The Laws of Golf, Part II

LAW 11: Golf carts always run out of power at the farthest point from the clubhouse.

LAW 12: A golfer hitting into your group will always be bigger than anyone in your group. Likewise, a group you accidentally hit into will consist of a football player, a professional wrestler, a convicted murderer and an IRS agent -- or some similar combination.

LAW 13: All 3-woods are demon-possessed.

LAW 14: Golf balls from the same sleeve tend to follow one another, particularly out of bounds or into the water (See Law 3).

LAW 15: A severe slice is a thing of awesome power and beauty.

LAW 16: "Nice lag" can usually be translated to "lousy putt." Similarly, "tough break" can usually be translated "way to miss an easy one, sucker."

LAW 17: The person you would most hate to lose to will always be the one who beats you.

LAW 18: The last three holes of a round will automatically adjust your score to what it really should be.

LAW 19: Golf should be given up at least twice per month.

LAW 20: All vows taken on a golf course shall be valid only until sunset.

Parenthood

-- If it was going to be easy, it never would have started with something called labor!

-- Shouting to make your children obey is like using the horn to steer your car, and you get about the same results.

-- The smartest advice on raising children is to enjoy them while they are still on your side.

-- Avenge yourself -- live long enough to be a problem to your children.

-- The best way to keep kids at home is to give it a loving atmosphere ~~ and hide the keys to the car.

-- Parents: People who bare infants, bore teenagers, and board newlyweds.

-- The joy of motherhood: What a woman experiences when all the children are finally in bed.

-- Life's golden age is when the kids are too old to need babysitters and too young to borrow the family car.

-- Any child can tell you that the sole purpose of a middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.

-- Grandparents are similar to a piece of string ~ handy to have around and easily wrapped around the fingers of grandchildren.

-- There are three ways to get something done: Do it yourself, hire someone to do it, or forbid your children to do it.

-- Adolescence is the age when children try to bring up their parents.

-- Cleaning your house while your kids are at home is like trying to shovel the driveway during a snowstorm.

-- Oh, to be only half as wonderful as my child thought I was when he was small, and half as stupid as my teenager now thinks I am.

-- Adolescence is the age at which children stop asking questions because they know all the answers.

-- An alarm clock is a device for awakening people who don't have small children.

State Capitals

Well, there was this blonde who just got sick and tired of all the blonde jokes. So one evening she went home and memorized all the state capitals.

Back in the office the next day, some guy started telling a dumb blonde joke. She interrupted him with a shrill announcement,

"I've had it up to here with these blonde jokes. I want you to know that this blonde went home last night and did something probably none of you could do...I memorized all the state capitals."

One of the guys, of course, said "I don't believe you. What is the capital of Nevada?"

"N", she answered.